quirk [GG], mh (-), memory

i dont like the way my memory workssss

quirk [GG], mh, memory, ableism i guess???

usually my sense of memory doesnt bother me but today it feels like everyone is attacking the way it works at a fundamental level and it is making me more than a little suspicious it does not work the same way everyone elses does

but like how tf do i actually figure out if thats true or not, people think im crazy for paying any attention to this kind of thing in the first place

quirk [GG], mh, ableism

today has just been "guess everyone else thinks im fucked up in the head and theres nothing i can do about it" nonstop

quirk [GG], mh, ableism

yall i have a hard enough time dealing with myself being worried about that, pleease give me a break

mh, memory, long
re: a friend

its hard to talk about it with any confidence that im overstating what i think could be differences, because i dont have the experience of being anyone else, but i can still totally cover the things ive noticed. also its kinda hard to organize these clearly, ill do my best but its inherently just a bunch of loosely-tied observations :P but with those disclaimers in mind...

if someone tells me anything i need to remember -- whether something i should do in a few minutes or keep in mind for a few days - i dont remember the sensation of them telling that to me. i have to conceptualize it as an abstract Thing To Keep In Mind, or else im going to forget. but usually it slips from my mind anyway! and then when it becomes relevant again im like, oh fuuuck, i was supposed to do/remember that, wasnt i? but if you asked i wouldnt be able to tell you anything about the setting i was told it in or any context stuff like that.

mh, memory, long

on the particular scale of day-by-day, i cannot tell you what happened on any previous day. if i do have memories of stuff that have happened "recently", they usually arent associated with any particular day. if you ask what saturday was like, i draw a blank! ...checking masto, all i posted were a couple boosts and one dreamlog thing? and, well, i remember the dream more or less, and MAYBE a tiny bit of conversational context around the boost from [another friend], but those dont tell me anything else about the day. i have no idea what else i was up to.

mh, memory, long

and like, this trouble remembering shit runs across everything. i can understand myself forgetting mundane stuff like what i ate yesterday or which day i felt like i wasnt stopping eating all morning as the time flew was, because those dont really matter much. if my brain doesnt need to file them under Important, it may as well not file them at all. but: it affects stuff like, what has my emotional and mental landscape looked like the last week or so?? i KNOW ive been tired and a little frustrated and have been posting more mh stuff than i normally do, but i virtually cannot explain it at a level more granular than that.

mh, memory, long

at best, all i can do is make observations like "yesterday i was tired and went on a walk outside, because i was upset at being deadnamed and having conversation around that go badly." i remember the walk and how the sun was burning me alive and how i had to turn back sooner than i wanted to, but i couldnt tell you what any of the emotional feelings were like, or any of the words we traded. all that is just like an ocean of blur effect was poured over the whole thing, with a couple moments on the landscape just happening to get submerged a little less.

it feels like the same type of effect holds at any and every scale. half the year is gone and i literally dont know what i spent most of my time doing. i guess i started my journal at the beginning of this year? it feels like a lifetime ago. but my therapy appointment just last thursday feels the same way! its only been five days, but it feels like it may as well have been a year.

mh, memory, long

(and i have no memory of the specific experience of talking to my psych, last week. i can roughly remember what we talked about -- i know we left off kinda cut off because of tech issues and knowing that we would have more to cover next time, regarding uhhh my mental guard rails i think??? or maybe the sensation of getting overwhelmed? -- but the experience? its blank space, in my mind.)

mh, memory, long

all these effects work together to make me feel disconnected from everything i have done in the past year, month, week, day, hour. i remember some stuff, i forget most. it all feels patchy, like its only held together by the strings i happen to have sewed (consciously or otherwise) moment to moment. when those strings disconnect or fade away because the hour or day or whatever has passed, i look back, and its just... fog. if im lucky, ive written notes or posts or journal entries, but those let me remember only the patches that they transcribe; they dont dispel the surrounding fog, rarely retie lost connections between patches of memory.

and to reiterate, day by day this does not affect me that badly! i can usually get by living in the moment (and whatever strenuous ties ive built to recent memories). if i dont pay attention it basically doesnt affect me.

mh, memory, long

but sometimes people tell me about a memory ive just, completely forgotten, and its like, what the hell? i dont remember this happening! i dont remember saying anything about this! -- because to me the patch of that memory has no connections.

i guess the tl;dr is... it seems like everyone else builds connections between memories far more automatically and effectively, leaving them a much better picture of their days, conversations, and experiences than i ever have.