18. 2026-07-25 / index

Well frickin hell y'all, we've been getting more isolated. Right now s' a bit too late in the waking day for much, so I got only one channel in which I feel able to do anything about it. Here's some communication.

Y'know every time we try to write about something that's hurting us, we get this nagging sense that, what if we're overblowing it? What if this is only one perspective and if you take us as a whole, we're not having nearly the problem we think we are right now. Yeah. It's a pain in the ass. I probably learned it somewhere. Well, here's your grain of salt. I can't give you a holistic perspective. Take me as I am, disclaimer included.

There's four big pressures on us right now. I'm writing in public so three of them are private and I'm gonna have to step around them pretty briefly. But here's the list.

1. We're releasing a music wiki update in November. It's on a set date (the tenth), so we know when we have to have it just about done. We're telling ourselves we're OK with however it comes out, but we aren't sure we're gonna be OK unless we try our best. That puts a real pressure everywhere else, cus we're working a lot almost every day (seriously, usually 4-6 hrs if we aren't at our job, and we usually ain't at our job).

   And here's the thing: "Our best" doesn't count if we overdo it and burn the hell out. We have to take care of ourselves. We're figuring that out. It's going good some ways and tough some others, mostly on the front of no, fucker, we CAN'T take care of ourselves. We need care given to us, too. Shit ain't solo. Well, in a lot of little ways, it has been going kinda solo. Guess we've gotta do work, about that. Guess some other people will have to, too.

2. There are technically sort of concerns with our housing situation. I mean, they're supposedly all wrapped up. We're beholden to forces outside our control and the present life circumstances seemed like they mighta moved those slightly vindictive-like. It turns out, no, probably everything is fine. Probably our rent is just a bit weird this year. Probably life goes on, largely uninterrupted. But hell on earth, we tasted the anxiety for well on a month or two there, and it takes its toll. Yeh?

3. On the grander scheme of things we have no darn clue where we're gonna be in two or four or ten years. So it's the same dealio on above, just not as urgent, except actually we do need to figure it out, because the more we procrastinate, the less time before shit does fly off. Or we miss our moment. Whichever.

   Means questioning what we like and don't like about where we are now. There's a helluva lot we do like. And man, there's also stuff we don't. Sorry, detailing it here borders on doxxing. I can't. But the job's a big part of it, on both counts, maybe most of it, and it's weird figuring yourself out when you've been doing half the same thing just about two years there now. Good for us being twenty or so I guess. It's still scary.

4. And there's just the work, the work, man, I think it's work, but CHRIST it is hard to call it work, the WORK in taking care OF OTHER PEOPLE, right now. You know the only way we feel we deserve care is if we can partake in reciprocation? That's where it's at. No, we don't believe that, but we feel it. We feel it every time we think someone could be caring for us right now, but no one bloody is. Weirdly enough, though... we don't feel it when we DO give, and don't receive in return, from those same people. In fact we don't feel it often at all. Just when we feel lonely. Just when that loneliness has to be right. Just when we've gotta deserve our life hurting us like shit. It ain't every day but man, it's often enough.

   So yes, we're working to care for our people, and those people are pretty much only in real life, because they're the ones who need us and who we know how to reach right now. Guess y'all could say the same. That's kind of my point in writing any of this. Better get on with my point, eh.

We're not talking much about those pressures with anyone, except a bit with our mom, but it's hard with her because fuck me man everything hurts when your feelings are a quarter as big as ours, and she doesn't like it when we hurt. Doesn't want us hurting like that. Does everything she can, and it helps, and we tell her it helps, and we still keep some stuff to ourselves.

I don't even want to open up to you. I don't want to spill my beans. Dude, I'm trying, here and there, and it hurts, and I feel crazy, insane, and like a wet bloody mop, and I dunno. I just want to get strained out. By someone else. Like, more than once a month. Fuck me. I'm gonna bleed everywhere and you don't need to worry about the details, okay? I'm gonna be fine. It ain't anyone's burden and even WHEN it's mine, none of it is mine on my own. That's not some system bullshit, it's literally not just mine.

I wanna trust that people care and every time I tell myself they do I feel a bit less alive inside. Cuz, I don't want to tell myself. I want you, them to tell me. I strain my trust every day. Then the trust works out. They do care. And I feel like a fuckin' dog who's just not putting its skin up thick enough, or whatever. Just take it a little harder. It's gonna be fine. Your friends still care about you. Idiot.

It really ain't the narrative I want on me, yeah.

I dunno how much of this is just me. Hi fuckers, Surge here. I'm sure plenty of it IS just me, I just don't know how much. We experience a lot of loneliness and we kind of try to bury it with a mix of work and overburden. Sometimes we draw some shit here's a cool art man FUUUUUUUUCK

She's called Coral she got a day or two in the realzies just recently. It was sick and stuff. Had fun. Uh, it's fairy lights in the drawing.

Anyway we keep having little baby panic attacks and one of them recently, we dealt with reading about three paragraphs of Polysecure, and that's some fuckin bullshit book ass book there. Right. Calmed us down anyway. S'just a pain because I can't tell when my feelings are probably just an adaptation to throw a tantrum and get some attention and say, hey, actually, MY feelings matter too, pay me some ATTENTION!!! And I'm like, sick. Cool. Expressing myself as an avenue to getting care is literally the point. But then there's the coldness like, no, this is another thing worth hating yourself over, you could be so much calmer and better about this, you should be sad that the only way you know is pretty much just venting for an hour, because that pushes people away. And I go, aw. Really? Really? Wow. Should I like, do you think I should target myself some really mean slash-commands in Minecraft then? /effect @s minecraft:nausea 40s, you know? No. No, I shouldn't. Well, there you go. I AM sad that the only shit I got is venting right now. But I don't hate myself for it. Hope y'all don't hate me either.

I'm serious. Y'all I'm checking Signal and I think it's been pretty fuckin' literally one week since ANYONE asked us how we were doing. Well, there's the one or two people around us every day, the ones we live with, the ones we're here for. Their support counts... uh, a lot. But we need support from people we AREN'T supporting in turn, too. That's what I meant by the reciprocity thing. We need easier shit. We all do. Well, I think you should ask your fuckers to care about you, unconditionally, pragmatically, with TEXT MESSAGES OF CHECKING IN WITH LOVE. You're my fuckers. I want you to care about me, unconditionally, pramgatically, with text messages of checking in love. Please do that. Makes me fuckin live better. Means a lot. And I miss ya. Even when I don't bloody do anything about it.

Sorry. Here's my text message of love.

Sending love.