(april 13th, 2009)

ohhh my god. SO MUCH happened today!! i got to meet all my friends! i really really did and oh wow, im so happy :)

i am... pretty much beat now though lol. all of us had to do all SORTS of things, staving off baddies and exploooring and alchemising soooo much! not to mention all the pressure to get out before the scratch happened!! but let me tell you, searching for frogs for like two whole hours? theyre very cute but it is not easy to keep it up that long!!!

were now on a big ol ship!! its from prospit so i basically get to be familiar with all the gold walls and super long hallways and statues for free. john never woke up on prospit, and dave is from the spoooky dark planet, so...well its not the moon itself so i dont have AS much to show off, but ill have to help both of them get used to this place anyway :)

oh YEAH!! thanks to all the shenanigans of sburb, well.... ok first of all let me tell you about sprites. they basically let you turn anything, or anyONE, into a magic spirit ghost! but whats even more magical is that you can actually combine two things in the sprite! well...you can even put YOURSELF into a sprite >:) which dave did!! not exactly our dave i mean? hes from an alternate timeline, but oh gosh theres sooooo much i cant detail all of this lol

anyway point is there are two daves now, and one is part bird ghost!! annnnd...... that kinda happened to me too!! i mean not really? im definitely not a ghost :D buuuuttttt thanks to MORE really weird stuff i now have bec inside me!

oh wow that sounds bad. noooo i didnt eat him :)) i mean i KIND OF did?? oh whatever! he got turned into a sprite and then that sprite kind of merged with me because she was my dream self and i god tiered, and that means im part becquerel and part dog!!!!

it kind of makes sense too because ive always been better at just lying down and playing with bec than talking to people. i mean sure the ears and tail are going to take some time to get used too, but wow!! have you ever even TALKED to people before, in real life??? that honestly feels way more magical to me!! i mean i know its normal for everyone else but still!

its also not super easy when youre exhausted from everything thats gone on in the day..... i didnt think it through super well, i thought i was probably going to die when i called up alllll those consorts and people and sprites and everyone and they all started nakking and glubbing :D we all agreed to go to sleep just about as soon as we got on the ship :)

which is just about what im doing now!!! i may not show it but i am REALLY tired. i wanted to get this stuff journalled while its all still fresh in my head but ill have more to say tomorrow!!!!

-jade!

(april 18th, 2009)

FUCK

(september 17th, 2011)

aah ha__________

i have to write dont i

i dont

but i want to

god im going to fucking run out of space before saying anything! whateverr

:(

id really rather sleep now. i dont have the energy to do this

thissss sucks

WHY AM I JUST WHINING ABOUT EVERYTHING??? COMPLAINING ISNT GOING TO SOLVE ANYTHING AND IM NOT DOING ANYTHING GOOD FOR MYSELF OR ANYONE ELSE EVER BY JUST FEELING BAD FOR MYSELF. I HAVENT TRIED TO FIX ANY OF THIS OR FEEL BETTER FOR AGES. I DONT FUCKING DESERVE TO FEEL BAD FOR MYSELF. its just

lying here is so fucking selfish

writing about being sad?????? l   o   l

look i know its important to have a grip on your feelings, to understand what they mean and where theyre from and all that

but it doesnt fucking matter if im not trying to do anything about it!!! im just sitting in front of a diary i havent touched for months and im filling it up with what, a bunch of whining???

i KNOW i need to make myself have goals or plans or whatever

i KNOW i need to get up and tell myself im going to do a little more than the bare minimum!!!

i know

but that doesnt make it easy

but i mean look at what im saying! ohhhh yeah, its not EASY??? WOW!!! wow jade!!!! why arent you just FUCKING DOING IT ANYWAY!!! you cant even fucking say its HARD when you arent TRYING!!!

woof :(

hhhahhaahaaa!!!!! wow look at me

what am i going to do when they find me

i mean when i get there, when the ship arrives, GEEZ

ive got things to do! i

i mean i dont but when i get there i

you know what

thats fucking easy

put on JUST enough of a smile that they dont fucking go like, oh geeeeeeez jade, wow, youre so sad, howd you get this sad??? oh you were all alone for a few years? oh that actually sucks

ughh :(

i want that but what the fuck can anyone actually do for me

i mean

why should i want anyone to help me? im not doing anything to help myself, its not fair to put fixing my stupid head on other people

who cant even do anything anyway??? im just a big wreck and the only way to unwreck myself is to put my fuckin mind to it

which i havent been able to do so far :/

sigh

here, i wrote a fucking journal entry! i did it. weeeee

but its not going to fix anything and its not going to prompt anything and it doesnt actually mean anything unless i put myself to do something about myself

and im not going to do that

i mean i want to

because its the only thing i can do

otherwise im just a lump sitting here not able to do ANYTHING

but like

the trend is here, im not going to help myself

sooo

yeah

no fucking optimistic outlook or whatever, these years have SUCKED and theyre going to keep sucking and while theres lots i can do about it god knows im not going to do anything

siigh

i guess ill try

i guess this is something

i guess i actually fucking got myself to write this like i said i would even though i really didnt feel like it

didnt have the energy to

but here it is!

so i guess ive tried.

i dont think im going to try again

soon enough for it to matter anyway

but fuck it maybe i will

so i guess ill try

-jade