13. 2026-03-02 / index

we put on the purple underwear last night and we woke up and sooner or later i was tangle i was lavender. total coincidence. how funny is that

OH why hello there and welcome to thread

hey watch this im gonna put an image on my page

heheheh

anyway... the big pit of sadness comes for us all, and i think our ultimate lesson right now should be... it's 2026. it's okay. everyone's sad. shhhh.

i wanna have this year be a year where we're okay with being sad. a year where everyone gets better at just being sad. a year where you're not a problem just because you're sad.

i want to stop looking at sadness as a feeling you're supposed to overcome. or move on from. i don't want to leave any of my sadness behind me. i want to bring it with me. i think it needs a friend.

i want to stop looking at sadness as something to be ashamed of. i mean, i don't think we should be ashamed of any of our feelings, but sadness... oh. it's so easy to hide. we think we're a burden. we think we're weighing each other down. we think it's responsible to make it invisible...

but it's not responsible at all
it just sucks

i want to name some small things i'm sad about. naming small things is enough on its own, but it's also good practice. i want to be familiar with the surface of my sadness. (i can't cheer on my friends if i don't know the surface of what they're proud of, so...)

i joined a little community space for some dragon quest stuff today, because i wanted to share my project which i am really close to finishing a big step on, and i want to give it to people who maybe play that game or would find it useful, and give me comments and compliments and i hope constructive feedback. i got let into the server from the lobby channel after an hour or so, and i wrote a nice couple paragraphs in the introductions channel... and no one replied to that or said hello. i'm sad that i feel ignored and i know it's not even anything i did. i'm also sad that i might have got here too late and the server is almost completely silent in general, lots of the channels for specific games haven't got any new messages in years and years. it's a server structure i really like and the space itself seems inclusive and pleasant and laid back and nice, but it's also empty. i hope i'm a little bit wrong, but i'm sad that my first real impression is that this server is pretty much dead. i really wanted it not to be, and i got hopeful when i came in, and then let down.

i'm sad that i think i almost scared someone off, and basically just fumbled an interaction, in another space i actually personally care about. i wanted to get to know them and i went off on completely different tangents that were basically just about me and not them, and i wasn't thinking very clearly, and i definitely didn't learn anything about them because they hardly were there or messaged at all. (this one was a few days ago i think, probably a week.)

i'm pretty sad that there are a lot of real spaces i've been which still live in my head, and they all feel so out of reach. i haven't travelled in forever. i love where i live, and i might feel wistful about here, eventually, too... but i'm pretty lonely and i feel like locations want to be my friends, and they're so far and sort of scary and i don't know if i'll ever go to any of them. (i think dragon quest is helping me... i like adventuring and going back places i'm familiar in those games and i don't feel scared. but i'm sad i don't know if that's ever going to be very accessible in real life...)

i'm sad that we're all sad and i don't know how to make it better, heh

i'm sad there's not much of any sex in my life right now. no no, not even between us in my head. not even JUST me. there's pretty much none. i really like sex and it's something i feel like i'm good at. i like giving the kind of joy and ease and spice and energy that i really find in sex myself. so not really "giving", more like sharing, heh. here, im putting another image...

(now that i look at this again i think there's a z-index problem and either the left leg needs to be in front of the tail or it needs to come way less toward the camera. heheh. i like learning an eye for that. yeah, prolly the latter)

i'm sad that i think about fun ways to spend time together more broadly, not just sex, and i feel like... so... tired. it's not a tiredness from doing those things. nope. i feel the tired i am from everything else. and i feel sad that i feel tired, and it gets in the way. i'm sad that i am tired. i want to be able to find and give and get and share, and i don't have a whole lot in me to do any of that, no matter if i'm on my own or with someone else. i'm so tired. that makes me sad.

it's a little easier knowing that i drew that drawing and now it exists, though. i wrote a bunch of stories and now those exist. they aren't going anywhere... except from my screen to yours, check 'em out... heh

it's a little easier knowing my porn is gonna help someone get off eventually, even if it doesn't right now

(i can't really use my body for any kinds of sex in real life. i mean, okay, that's silly, i use myself for lots and it's lovely and sweet and usually pretty steamy, but it's also safe and different and thirdway in our head. it's not with people outside of us. it's not even usually with past or future us. i guess i'm sad that i feel like i'm not really hitting my stride, doing as many cool things i think i really can with only who i am, but... it's more than a little easier, knowing i draw and i write, and those are just as much "only who i am" and that because of that, they're also expressions of my body. not just my big enlightened mind's eye or whatever, or my feelings or emotions or thoughts, but my body. that's pretty cool to me. so yeah, i want to keep making things that affect people this way... but i'm really glad i just have this BODY (wink) of works already doing a bunch of my future effect for me, heheheh)

i like writing like this... i like being open about it too. i actually think doing a little bit of public writing, public sharing the stuff that's making you sad, would be good for everyone. maybe people microdose that by sharing on social media? yeah probably. sorry, im a blogger now, lol, i'm out of the loop. oh my god, i do mean using your own words, though... i remember that people supposedly mostly just share all the really awful huge things that are always happening, and i...

we've all got to take care of each other and we can only do that if we take care of ourselves

and taking care of ourselves is a lot easier if we have someone helping us, too. maybe everything is a lot right now, like it kind of always is, but maybe it's more crushing than normal. it's okay. i want to listen anyway. i want to reciprocate. i want to remind you what you mean to me, and i want to remind you why being open with each other is pretty awesome, even if it hurts.

that's thread! seeya! hearts and hugs, lavender.