(sorry if this page is empty that means I forgot)
there were trolls in here and let me say. you could tell
that's mostly how we roll in real life but even there it's like... oh i mean it's rough i sort of hate my life for having a maximum of one (1) person around us who actually knows any of us by name
but we our voices are so distinct that unless we're at work where we might more effectively mask into one sort of united face, whoever's listening to us can absolutely just identify us. it's 50/50 wording and voice, and that's saying something because our voices are so different
right now im role-playing me and just ignoring the parts of me that lock up when i do that, because. uh. ill get back to them in my sleep or smth
and it's very strange because we spent two years being four specific people and none of them was exactly the voice im channeling rn. the closest voice is lavender's (who i think you might not have met?) so that's almost the tone we hear ourselves in, buuuut that's. also a pretty crude approximation
i feel really mixed writing a capital j Jade voice again because i still don't actually feel like coming back as myself
what happened is that we got some bad trauma in 2021 that pretty much screwed our system at the time over, and most of the people besides "me" just faded out or back into me, and i stopped feeling like i had a specific person-ness at all
eventually we found some faces and being again for ourselves through tangle and whisper and lanolin and surge, and believe it or not i love each of them dearly, about as much as i would LIKE to love any part that's "of myself", and yeah i think they are
but i guess as time goes on we start to feel like we've still left stuff behind, and they pull me out of the dirt because im some kind of spiritual link or face for all of who we were, and thought we were just stuck leaving behind
i don't think it's true that we've left most of who we were behind, lots has naturally reformed into the faces who we are now
on the other hand i think there was a sort of deep-set compounding/chronic trauma from going to work as "Jade" and having a relationship as "Jade" (spoilers, that's the 2021 truama) and not being open about ourselves as a system in either context
and we ended up internalizing that to help ourselves cope/survive at all in those circumstances, and we're trying to like... well. i don't know if "delicately" is the right word. but we're TRYING to delicately orange peel that suffering now, i think. or if not the experience of it (rip) then the attitude we brought into us, like Jade became just a name, and the real jade is long-gone, and we have to detach ourselves completely from those times and those feelings, and etc etc
ig the way whisper and lanolin were going at this a few days ago - yeah, yeah, with me too - was thinking about the lessons, behaviors, habits, beliefs that she/i had learned and that we had left behind and forgotten about
just because it was out of our day to day the way it always WAS our day to day, before stuff fell apart
and also before i NATURALLY CHANGED as an ORDINARY HUMAN PERSON
but those two are serious as crap about everything so they're taking it upon themselves like it's some kind of fricking sin. to not pay your respect every minute of every day to everything that came before you. sheesh*
annnnnnnnnnd i get their point
(There's more before and after this excerpt, but all the stuff above is the part we're comfortable posting publicly.)
(Okay I guess I have to include this immediate follow-up disclaimer too.)
*jsyk the entire point of this is that im
EMBRACING
the unreliable narrator as a way of being free to just write whatever. and think about things. don't take what we say about ourselves as literal snapshots of objective truth