Meerp, wow

Meerp?
Whatsup

I'm going through a tanglelog to finish bringing what she wrote on a day that was really important to her

Mm?

Being plural's a little fucked up TBH. /fuckedup
I'm speaking dry sarcasm^

[gestures early]

I'm like, I just... wow. I get that we're not completely separate from each other or anything like that

But it's still super wild that one Thing is hosting four people and we're like... we are somehow individually coherent entire beings of our own, you know

Yeah

Is it weird knowing four of us LOL
That's not a loaded question at all I promise

Hmmm! I dunno I know four other people

Holy shit, really?
I... oh...
No way...

I'm kidding. I don't

I do too.
Oh okay.
I don't either. You heard nothing

Frankly it's pretty normal. It can feel like interacting with a sort of formalized group of friends like "the five people i meet for movies every week" or something

I know you all separately sure but the context we interact with is merged and I know you in a way closely tied to the others

I know & like you individually, some more than others (Know you more than others! Not like. Lol)

Hahaa yeah... Uh huh, yeah
Thanks for the frank reply too. That's like
Checks out. I appreciate it

Yeah

Okay sorry Tangle, I quit. I'm getting off the big screen. (And getting on the small screen. Sheep maxing)

i think since i interact similarly with each of you it's like not weird or overwhelming in the way i usually get overwhelmed by having four other friends

which is like.. a poorly defined line but rather that i present the same myself because we talk in the same structure

You can tell I’m on mobile because my punctuation is suddenly angled

lmao.. apple..

Yeah I definitely hear that. I appreciate that perspective too.

tldr well i'm just one guy so it's easy

It’s not like you’re literally “the same you” with each of us, but you’re like… working with a lot of the same foundation, in a way that sounds like it comes naturally

ya

Did we tell you about our brother more or less berating our entire life* for an hour or so, the other day

(*JK, just the last four years)

Uhhh Maybe
It sounds familiar but I don't actually think I heard much

I still(!) don’t have much to say about it but
Mhm, yeah

By which I mean, you told me something like this, but it might have been separate

But it helps to like… get… a bit of normalizing perspective. Both as in “making me feel halfway normal” and “framing on a normal plane/scale”.

It was a bit destabilizing, if not fundamentally shaking, y’know

Mhm
nods

Mmmmm
I’m like…

My brain is in weird spaces. Not off spaces, just a little weird. For me. Um,

How’s up with you tonight…

mmm?
Oh uh
Just journalin

Oh shoot. The journaller
You are truly the fsck -fy of the 21st century…

She shares a photo of her journalling.

Handwriting moment :/

Handwriting owns
I like your journaling

Thanks
It's rare

I haven’t journaled in a minute.

There’s a lot of stuff I’m not keeping a tight grip on. I think…

Yeah, me too

I think I’m like
Finally figuring out how to frame that differently… There’s a lot of stuff I am keeping a light touch near

That’s terrifying.

Other than journalling I'm mostly simmering. I'm sad about a lot of stuff that happened in my life the past year and I don't know what to do. That's how it is I guess

What scares you?

I can’t believe there’s something more natural for me than, than, what seems like I’m supposed to be.

Man

...and I don't know what to do.
I’m sorry. I hear you

I’m in such a weird space. I have been
I just

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how I’m doing anything. I definitely don’t know if I’m doing anything “right”, by any metric

That should be crushing me. That would be my normal response. It would be how I’ve adapted myself.

It isn’t. I feel like there’s room inside me but I don’t feel hollow

mmmmmm

I don’t really feel like anything belongs in that space, either.

That feels ridiculous. I shouldn’t have leftover. But I do, in some, some, some way, and I think it needs to be there

Okay ramble done
Sorry’s what I’d say but I’m not supposed to say sorry for rambling…

I'm listening hey now!

Mergh

I think I understand like abstractly

I’m an abstract kinda gal.
Until you meet meeeeee

I feel mostly good about my art

Mhm?

It’s a kind of expression I don’t really… have elsewhere. It’s free, and I know we have a lot to learn in a lot of ways but

I can draw us and I can draw textures and materials and make something that looks basically real. We couldn’t have done that, half as naturally as it comes now, a year ago

I like how “I” look in my outfit. I can definitely feel a grounding here that is slowly feeling more “me”, even as it’s shared. But

At the end of the day this is still more ‘me’, you know?

I like that it’s… not so hard to convey that, now

Nods yeah
Having like a voice
I feel missing a voice often..

Yeah, yeah. Yeah…

My favorite thing about our system is that it’s us

I can like
I can joke that turning into four fictional characters is totally what saved us whoop-dee-doo all problems solved? And it’s a funny joke because it’s clearly true on a very basic level

But it’s silly. The only thing that saved us was us being open with ourselves. (And having, and finding, support in doing that.)

I like that Whis is Whis because holy shit, she’s actually herself, and I’m actually myself, and we get to be together? What?

I like that we’re us.
I like that you’re you

I try to be me when I can!

Does that include now?

Yeah

Okay. Sneak attack kiss.

Aaaaa!!!

Gotcha

evil!

BS
It’s midnight, whisper awoos.

I feel missing a voice often..
What makes you… feel like you do have a voice? Like that

I dont know! It doesnt happen very much

Nodding…

Forms of art, sometimes, not anymore so much, writing, musical expression (a voice i find frustratingly lacking!)

Sometimes walking around works. Sometimes not

Having experiments. Being alive
But it's hard. Lately. to be alive

(For me it’s having people (including the others) show that I… still belong, even if I change. Or if I don’t change much. I guess, me being able, finding ways to hear that, which - isn’t a guarantee by default)

Yeah. Nodding.
I wish it were easier…

I'm rigid and interact.. rigidly, lately. I've like, dried up, in how I interact with others

Dry sponge.
Sorry!

I have interacted with sponges recently. The dry ones are less… interact-y. I get it

Yeah

What’s that rigidity feel, or look like to you? If that’s something you don’t mind trying to answer.

it's so hard to answer my own thoughts lol, i keep going, well what does it feel like to be myself? it feels like acting like myself

Oughh
Yeah. Um, I hear that

rigidity... i feel my desires and actions with others no longer have substance, and largely exist in performance

Does acting… yeah
That kind of answes what I was about to ask

i largely reenact. i reenact my romantic relationships and my relationship to myself, i yearn for fresh enactment but rarely find it

Which is, does “acting” feel like… a layer or two removed from the experience of being. Does it feel like you’re just following motions to resemble “you”, and addressing feelings or… more, life-y things, becomes almost foreign

"it feels like acting like myself"
in this sentence "act" just meant "perform actions"

Okay.

but idk at my worst i'm a broken record, at my best, when like i have a voice, it's when i do something weird / experience something and then it jolts me out of that an i act with clarity

Nodding, understanding

It sounds foggy. Mostly metaphorically but a little literally

I am certainly foggy when I am voiceless

I dunno. I think I'd like to play an instrument, have another practiced and learned voice. I'd like to write more intently too

When you have a voice, and you’re avove the fog, does it feel like it matters that you’re surrounded down below? Or does that just disappear, because now you can see past it, even if just for now. If the analogy holds.

The fog is omnipresent

I dunno. I think I'd like to play an instrument, have another practiced and learned voice. I'd like to write more intently too — I hear you

Right now I’m questioning if anything to do with skill and learning is what I need. But it makes sense that it might be really valuable for you

Yeah

You care about your creations. You care about creating

I don't really want it to be about skill, or creation perse

I've largely given up on desiring creation in favor of desiring being

I will never make a thing again so be it but i guess more so those things feel like muscles

But having that kind of voice feels… like a way of being? “Being” as an action and state

What’s with your “so be it” stuff.
You’ve said that more than once
It… I don’t know if it is how it sounds

when else have i said it?

But it sounds like giving up on whole swathes of stuff that could matter to you, even if it doesn’t feel like it does rn

I guess never. Sorry. I misheard

nah, in my current phase of life the idea of creation as like a thing with a product does not concern me in the way that the act of mindfulness in art and creation does, and i am trying to focus on the latter by disavowing the former, for now

i stopped pursuing long term structured goals of production, or even shorter ones, very intentionally because it's not where the thing i want is

Okay. Alright. That’s… pretty cool

i'll probably make something but it's the other part i need

Thinking about thoughtful doodling for thoughtful doodling’s sake

i try to learn to play music instead of pushing to write it i try to draw but aim fundamentally to see, i don't want to write anything in particular but i do want to be writing

Humm.

i don't know exactly what any of it means to me but i'm looking

M-hm. Yeah, I get it

Hm
I know that’s inherently, like, less easy to share, because it’s the process that counts, not the result

I’d like to be in your room when you’re searching and trying, you know, if you’d have me. And if I were able to be there. (this is an expression of a sentiment)

Fcourse
U r welcome to
I think creation for me does usually produce like results as scraps, and i like having and observing them..

If you have… like, visual canvases or recordings or photos of whatever, though, and those are easier - yeah…

Easier to transfer over the net?
Then I’d love to see, to get to see

I gotta grab drawing photos sometime soon

One sec. In that spirit

Of course, tragedy is as follows: I don't practice this. At best I bike around. I don't draw or write like at all lol

Quick Whisper face I did earlier.

The rest didn’t turn out as much of anything but I like this.

ooh
:)

She is displeased 👍

:(

tragedy is as follows...
Yeah I hear that. I am saved by sharing a brain with three assholes who keep me drawing by keeping us drawing. Only way it works out for us

Shortly later.

Anyway I'm gonna fall asleep

Uhhuh
Same.
Hey
Hey. Hey

Whaaaaat

Hope y’a get some nice rest. I’m wishing you good dreams ‘n stuff.

I appreciate you. Thank you for chatting and hanging out with me

Yeah I really enjoyed tonight. Thanks Lanolin :)