Oh man, we’re fine, but I think we might have had some of the worst personal rejection/exclusion dreams we ever have. Most of the feelings are associated with Surge POV—and mine too I guess.

Our sister spoke to our face about a problem she and our mom and maybe our brother had all discussed and identified. (We had a huge sense of dread coming.) She said it was a problem we raised our voice when we were upset with any of them, but even moreso… that when we were yelling, they never knew who was yelling. They pinned that as our fault.

I felt aghast and incredulous. It just seemed cruel. We make all these cues! We look like ourselves! We tell you earlier on! Why would we suddenly be someone different when we’re upset at you? Why would you take away our ownership of our own feelings, like that, if not to willfully disempower us?

But in the dream we took it to heart. The rest is blurry and feels more like Surge. We spent the rest of the day (or however long) just… accepting that we were completely worthless, and hypocritical, and undeserving. In retrospect I just… I don’t think I’ve felt that hollow, that carved out, in forever. But it feels so familiar to Surge. Might as well be home.

And I guess that’s, uh, I’m kind of crying right now and that’s why. No shit that’s more familiar to Surge than me, her whole world, in the comics, was having everything she said twisted to be inconsequential, everything she did reframed to fit her faux-father-abuser’s narrative. Over and over again. Memories wiped, but not their imprints. Feelings turned, but not their imprints.

I’m just… I’m just sad realizing that that’s something so core to her and real to us that she would be so much part of that dream about it. And that it would feel normal to her.

It’s rough. I guess most of the mistreatment a person ever suffers is invisible, completely translucent, from their own perspective. Then your awareness shifts and it comes out and it’s just… yeah

FWIW this is not at all directly grounded in our nowadays-experience, except maybe that our brother’s shit a week or so ago might have brought older feelings to the surface. It’s probably related to rejection or skepticism over our plurality, from direct family, back in 2021 or so. But mostly the feelings seem deeper and longer-settled than those. I think it’s mostly a reflection of trends that have been with us probably our whole life - at least Surge’s response to the rejection, I mean.

Okay, ramble done.