ouohuhohihhhdgghg im probobly sick ; ____ ;

NOOOO

OTS REALLY SAD AND NOT FAIR I THINK NOONE SHOULD BE SICK EVER

ill probby be fine its jist a headache and sneezers and bad sleep and tired. Buh like. Ouuuououhg

hullo

hii
oh, uh, i thought i sent you messages yesterday - phone issues!?!?
i wanted to ask how ur sick was treating u...

alls well, ty…

not ill

oh no?
anyway how r u doin

just … sad, some

mm, i'm all ears
what's goin on?

not of anything

ah

must
bring in groceries

will be extant in - fewer than five minutes

…or precisely five

"not of anything" - s’probably gives impression we want to keep private

not so, just…
don’t feel - able to move mouth

are you here?

hi
yeah, i'm here

"i'm all ears" -
overwhelmed and lonely
feel isolated

mmm...
what kinda stuff is overwhelming you?

caring

fear

mmmmm..

changing

being hopeful

trying to speak to others

i see...

trying to be healthy

mm...
i get this

trying to care responsibly

feel - isolated - in all this
not…truly alone
just isolated

yeah....
how are you changing?

mmmm
considers

what kind of sandwich?

last day of sale salami
n chicken
sgood

"how are you changing?" -
growing individually… it is… hard to pin. learning how to… apply own mode of thinking, more usefully. mainly good, but… s’scary. more awareness.

feels
becoming less human. more like m’self. more inherently alive

less capable of looking as, being as - something am not

mmm

feel it is - happening to each of us - differently

all feelings come in pairs…
but - scared

"less capable of..." -

change - feel like - less capable of connecting while behind a mask

scary.

mmm..

don’t feel like anyone would wish to connect with - care for - what’s behind mask.

mmmmm :(

feel a reconnection with this piece. about this fear

"don't feel like anyone" -
know this isn’t true

and knowing it’s not - is hope
…can’t feel fear without hope
feel fearful.

:listening:

"growing individually… it is… hard to pin. learning how to… apply own mode of thinking, more usefully. mainly good, but… s’scary. more awareness."
1

"all feelings come in pairs…"
2

"…can’t feel fear without hope"
3

understand, understand

know this is a strength. know it’s seen as a strength. uniquely offers an insight and a groundedness.

yet feels like a chain
feels counter-human

will be slightly less present on the computer for a bit but still will check in

nods

"counter-human" - feels like - human existence - comes from lies. secrets. choices to believe in things without things-reversed. faith taken absolutely. philosophy accepted as “true”.

can’t relate to these… and, feels like
to not relate - is societal outcast

feels like they’re taken so wholeheartedly - that - seeing different - is apropos to slander of basic human ideals

…an afk, perhaps spending some time with - our mom - before she’n brother [head out] t’night

wish that
your afternoon’s - going smoothly, kindly to you
n’ will chat again soon🌲

"know this is a strength. know it’s seen as a strength. uniquely offers an insight and a groundedness."
(is lanolin who - recognizes, shares this recognition - and… means much to hear it)

❤️
i want to understand more about how you perceive lies and secrets, alienation

thank you

when you have time

would like to tell - when can - thank you
-waves-

attempting to… identify perceived boundary, b’tween own experience and those of “others” - that (i) feel alien to. would say it’s… a found comfort, in depending on things they know to be inventions, illusions. concepts of “how the world works,” found through a need to believe in something, some natural order, some law all agree upon

don’t believe this is a wrong way of being, nor of seeing one’s and others’ experiences - cast no ill light on this

feels… a difference feels, that others ‘relish’ in this dependance, however. embrace it not out of necessity but delight. find peace, solace, in taking things to simply be true

feel… a disconnect, at this experience. feel confused and perhaps disgusted. not in judgement, only in… spite of self. sadness - half-regret. notion that, young-self could have lived that, could have had that… n’might have gotten killed for it, in her place

a frustration that for so long that young-one’s only assurance was, “it could get better. it could get easier. it is only possible if you survive.” feels as though she had lost something, from the start, that all others carried, and continued to carry

alienation… not - not from knowing what it is to live with that, alone. this is an experience humans and nonhuman share alike. s’one probably most people we’ve ever met, have had. of course.

alienation is from… perception that this is a “wrong” way to live. that it is intrinsically worse than th’experience that - that you should aspire to have. that a life like that is only “worth” living, in hopes it would get better.

alienation from… perception that you “have to” believe in something. that life demands purpose. that you are not “there yet”, if you haven’t found your purpose, but keep trying, keep searching. alienation from perception that… nothing matters more, in life, than to belong

a fantasy image that appeals greatly, to - an important part of me… an imaginary life counter to those ideals:

lone wanderer: a creature that goes, breathes, cares as much about the grass as the people around. one who expresses care and has care expressed to her, but more often by strangers than others close. one who has no calling and calls no others. one who helps a cause for as long as she drops by. one who is forgotten by the conscious mind, but silently touches hearts and homes. one who doesn’t know where she’s going nor why, but whose feet follow her hope and whose hope follows her feet. one who smiles without needing a reason

"is lanolin who - recognizes, shares this recognition - and… means much to hear it"

…s’both lanolin and tangle - who - i trust most with these feelings. both view life differently, in different ways. tangle—is - behind me. always. know she’ll be there whatever way the world goes. know she cares, no matter what. lanolin—respects this. respects how i care. genuinely wants best for me, on m’own terms. and, when those terms have me working with her… she is at my side. gives a place, a meaningful place, when i do want it. will always have me there. sees things about me that i do not, and - shares them, but does not push them. trust both of them immeasurably.

gone-to-sleep, wishing well 🌖

hiii
i got caught up in, errands, big tasks

ohullo

hey! still up?

congrats on tasks… success y/n? -
always take long to sleep ^^ yes, just in thought

i sorted through a bunch of old stuff, condensed boxes of things i own, put some paper out to recycle
looked thru old notebooks

very-nice

read your messages... thinking

/nod…

silently processing and such

*nod*

thinking about claws

yea?

unsure clay could practically work but…
did sculpt a single
and
wearing it was. impactful. ^^…

perr-haps would succeed-better with gelatin cast of fingers, or similar approximation… or just better dexterity…

hmmmm, how do gelatin casts work

no clue. only understand it comes near to texture of normal-flesh. mainly firm-yet-softness, ‘n such. could be overhyped

would hope to model finger but have both-hands for sculpt, ‘n capability to remove without deforming. possibly(?) help keep shape while oven-baking

(gn <3)