okay… but um… does that make you feel like you dont deserve people to like, spend time thinking of you?

yeah i dunno it just like makes sense? or at least it's like self-defeating to expect it ig. i dunno i Am in an irrationally negative state

ya :( i mean i understand this feeling

uhhhhhh whisper and lanolin read a story and figured out their feelings about it like a month ago

lanolin was like “I’m so thankful that she’s deciding to support me and care for me, but what am I doing in return…? Why do I deserve this…?”

and whisper was like, silently, but completely earnestly, “I just like to see you smile”

i think we uhhhhhhhh
i think we do a whole lot more for people who care about us than we realize just by being ourselves

like its kind of dumb lol but thats sort of one of the really awesome things about caring about someone in the first place…

u see things in them that are them and thats special all on its own to you. you like them being happy, not just bc you genuinely want them to be (and you do!!), but also literally bc you just like witnessing and experiencing them being happy.

but i dont know theres something tricky about that too

bc like… idk what if someone is doing things for you and you AREN’T reflecting any “this has an impact on me” in any tangible way, or it’s more subtle or just smaller than it used to be / sometimes is...

its like okay well NOW am i undeserving?

i dont think so at all but its super weird to… conceptualize y’know… these are systems that build up in presence but they dont have to tear down in absence

sorry im totally rambling!!

i just know that like - sometimes im super disconnected from experiencing any positive feelings at all. so people do caring things for me and im genuinely grateful on some level, but i just cant express it at all

which honestly throws off your body and mind too

because they work off of having feedback just as much as irl other people do

but yeah on top of that

im just like… god ok then i feel like a Piece o’ Turd already, and i aint making it better by eating up peoples nice things they do for me and showing no one, not even myself, anything for it

i feel like thats an unrealistic absolutism but on the other hand it… you know, it also ISN’T that unrealistic, depression very much works like that and takes you to basically that extreme

or flares or what have you

its A Thing that Does Happen

so like… how do u make peace with that, its not a very peace-friendly thing to experience or be going thru akdkfkdkd

i think theres never any magic to it
or never any visible magic

to me its like… idk i think knowing that i have the power to help it come to pass, even if i dont feel anything at all for at least the first chunk (and maybe a long time or maybe it gets worse after it gets better or etc)… just being like

i do have power over this, on some deep level ive Decided this is something i want to be different, it doesnt matter if it feels like nothing right now. it wont feel like nothing forever.

i think thats been the turning point i kind of have to remind myself of (consciously or not) whenever things are hard like this

TBH the ofher thing is
once you acclimate to that being a fundamental truth
(lol)
it starts to get a bit easier for other people to remind you of it, and help you know its true even when you have a hard time feeling or seeing it on your own

so thats the upshot of an objectively tangible way things get easier even as they stay hard i suppose??

Ugh im so silly. Like

Im very great at being at least a little slightly emotionally useful :pray emoji:

But if u saw me irl

youd be like jesus frigging christ tangle why are you trembling like youre midway thru a ptsd attack

And id be like idk dude!! Its okay though im not midway thru a ptsd effect im fine!! my body just really really likes to express itself in certain ways inexplicably !!!

ouououou i think wwe gotta fall Asleep (lizard implications) (theres a wolf in my head whos telling me to equip my eyes in the closed direction) (weird phrasing tbh but good idea)

SO i hope you. get some rest and liiiiike… take care… youre incredibly cool and awesome and good and fun. i promise u so.

💜✨