finding - happiest times in our lives - have been - when living as. several more than one. whether realizing or not.

why sadness about it?
is it like a wistfulness about - the difficulty of it all?

mostly - seems like - feels… out of reach. feels. like we - like i - d’nno, like there will never be a place where - all of us - just - get to be ourselves

wistfulness. challenge at. the… possibility… of something good- being so hard to believe

s’not only tangle’n me. surge, also, for sure, since at least months. ‘n maybe one more. going by feel there.

it- is- it is so hard
feeling the others
being happy for just existing. just getting to live

because it is - that feeling - feels out of reach. not always. not nearly always. but. sometimes.

and it is so scary to - to feel like you cannot feel that - when you know you - still truly do. that it is not gone. that it is just - not touchable - in the moment

…s’alright. better than few minutes ago. airing it out helps. just… mrrrr, [nods]

dunno. had been doing dishes. realized - brain was - not working in tangle nor i, quite, though had been tangle present only earlier

and felt. “oh.” no nonsense. brain just has more than two. others come of their own volition - not of any other individual’s. not… surpising… but - did not - exactly click, til that moment

…s’just. that is. freeing and - bit scary - but - not in a bad way. at the core.

look at everyone around and think-
everyone meaning - all our singlet friends, acquaintances, mortal enemies, etc

and think. “oh, only reason we are like this is. just. little funky differences in butterfly effects. we just work better - thinking of ourselves - as more than one.”

sense that you are posing - so internalized - that it feels normal to feel. not. quite. “genuine.”

A tangent here is snipped. Whisper expressed some hurt over a person she met in real life having, in their past, been very into Homestuck, and having "deluded" themselves to the point of identifying as one of the trolls. Whisper wrote:

"did not enjoy hearing that. did not… shake anything, directly… long past others’ states of mind or opinions about themselves/others holding agency over us - they own their feelings. we own ours. etc."

She wrote it "was frustrating to have. mm. existence rooted in fictional charas trashed on that way. but again, used to it" and summarized "just - more chilling - from someone irl, suppose".

it has. been - sort of humbling - sort of scary - sort of. humorous. to witness, first-person,
signals that we are. not very singlet

signals are just, for example - surge is not tangle - tangle is not me - surge feels trip beside her but cannot decide if she is really there - trip expresses herself with roars and short words and rolls her eyes - and that is neither tangle nor me nor surge

our plurality has been - easy to parse for others - easy to see
which… is a signal of its own

signals are - surge has been here since at least mid september - and. well. did not go away. we did not shoo her but - wanted to give her chance and time to figure herself out and -

that could go one of two ways. in absence of external interaction, she fades, or she does not. she did not.

…nothing to go into detail on but - an old scratch project by us (2014) had a note in instructions

s’not nearly the only “our old shit is not very singlet” moment but - it is one we forgot all about

several sprites in project each had a little dialogue bubble msg, unique sound effects representing speech, two of them were exact recurring ““characters”” who. existed in our head.

this has been a thing since. as long as we have conscious memories, at least. 8yo us treated teddies as 100% real living beings who we literally communicated and empathed with telepathically.

and there is - every time - those feel like the clearest moments of being ourselves

and - when they disappear, fade out, background, w/e - those are - always feel it lacking. a sadness. not exactly a loss but - a fondness for what was and wish it could still be

i suppose this is really tangential but do you view the life where plurality is primarily an "adaptation" as like, lesser, in some way?

not…really - certainly not - as an external judgment. but…
it makes us feel disconnected.

it makes us feel as though - our existence - our happiness in who we are - is a coincidence

signals are - we care about each other. it - it hurts so much - that this feels like the easiest to “skepticize”. like the easiest for someone outside to laugh at. but it is - the - the truest signal of all - and always, always, always has been

the others before us - everyone from hs you knew or got to know about - cared about each other so much - and. we felt it. almost always. just… were… too ashamed to say it aloud or - feel it aloud - most times

the stuff w/ kid-us and teddies was. about empathy. connecting with every, every one of our teddies, as someone real and special and who needed care and who cared about us always

the stuff w/ scratch was separate “imaginary” friends who were with us as we weathered the storm of. being in the family the last couple years before leaving

i cannot begin to tell you how much tangle means to me. have written 18,000 words trying to express little bits of it in so many minute angles.

we have no idea where surge is at, exactly, but - her fire is - so important to us too. she has feelings. she has feelings. we care about her feelings and - that is - something that is meaningful to her

do not… know anything about trip… but- we feel connected to things we have struggled with in very particular ways when we feel her presence - cannot. pin any of it down yet. but… want to see what she wants to see. surge normal-likes her and surge does not normal-like anyone.

…care means everything. not nearly only sign that - we are each who we are, each our own - but - is the most pure. most core. do not… want… to hide it