i am not in an emotionally strong enough space to talk about my emotions, so i avoid doing that... but im not realistically going to get anywhere better in at LEAST the next year or two and i cant explain how soulsucking that is

im just too tired man.

i cant believe i have all these options to learn cool things and make myself a better place in the world but something as core to existing as "talk about the ways others impact you" is totally inaccessible to me

vent, deliberately negative, im fine

i am not even THAT complicated of a thing to exist but i will never be able to convey anything really true about me and as a result i will never feel fully, honestly comfortable around anybody

i will always form connections that are about what i can do for others and never what they want to do for me

i will never get to express any sexual parts of me because when my ability to do so was shattered, the rest of me was deeply hurt as well, and i will never be able to heal myself

i will never be able to work with others to heal because every time i open up to anyone i get hurt, belittled, seen as a child, treated as though im stupid, pushed away, set aside, ignored, hurt

i will never get an opportunity to experience anything sexual with another again because i am seen as repulsive for being honest to myself and to those who are close to me

nobody will ever consider i mightve done anything to grow because they have decided i am a hopeless, ruined cause to begin with

being able to take an external appraisal of myself and recognize the links and connections which cause and reinforce my pain—being able to REALLY see it all, take it in, understand and feel that my pain isnt just nothing, that it comes from somewhere—makes me feel sick