the thing, -

i just feel broken

the thing, -

i dont know it really shouldnt have affected me as much as it did but i cant do affection at all anymore

i feel awkward and isolated and i cant connect with those feelings or desires or... or just anything lovey at all anymore, anything touchy, anything like it at all

and i dont WANT to and it fucking scares me to think about and i cant stand the idea of ever being able again but

but it was like a switch and now i cant and everyone around me can and i- i cant!

the thing, -

i still LIKE people and i dont feel disconnected from the other ways that my relationships are good but-

but affection always played such a big part of our expression and understanding and it just makes me feel twisted and awful and tired and sad inside now

and she has a girlfriend who i also care about a lot and we all spend time together, but theyre just so affectionate towards each other, and- and i can hardly be part of that at all, and i dont WANT to be but i also dont want to be awkward and gross and wrong and different from what people liked me being before

the thing, -

she and i had (non-irl) sex one time (a month or two ago) since the thing with the guy happened (like back in may i think)

we had already talked at least a little about how things had been difficult for me since then, and shes always been super respectful around that. but afterwards she was like, she said, in a completely understanding and compassionate way, and explicitly without any future expectations— that she had missed it and was glad we had the chance to that night

and i just. i know she didnt mean anything expectant of it, but it felt like- feels like she saw the beginning of a path where i was healing, because that was what i had said i wanted, that it looked like i might comfortably go back to something like normal one day, and she was happy for me

but im not, i dont think ill- i dont know

but i dont want to think about it, there are a billion alarms that ring every time i think about affection and sex and touch and romance and the way i feel right now is that i never want to be part of any of it again

the thing, -

bleh ;____;