interpersonal

GG: i keep screwing with people by not respecting their time or plans we make together and end up hurting their feelings for it, in ways theyre completely right to feel hurt by
GG: then i try to pick up the pieces and make everything alright again, but i think thats kind of transparent and maybe not what i should be doing - the way i am at least - because not everything is just fine and from a distance isnt usually the way to heal emotions
GG: (but otherwise im just ghosting them, which feels worse.)

GG: mostly i wish i cared more. or had the energy to care more, i guess. every time stuff like this happens i just want to hole myself away and stop being friends-who-interact-with-people
GG: i tell myself its to stop hurting people but maybe i just dont want to put in the effort to interact with people normally, to consider their plans and feelings
GG: ...i dont know

GG: that frames it selfishly, which it is in a way i think, but its also kind of unfair to me
GG: ive hurt people like this enough times - a lot of different people, all multiple times - that i think i just dont feel capable anymore
GG: quitting on the whole interact-with-friends thing isnt mature or healthy or probably the most responsible thing but i just
GG: dont feel like im able to become someone who can do that well
GG: not when i keep flubbing it up so spectacularly, especially in ways that i feel i couldve prevented if id just tried a little harder. but never do

interpersonal, mh (-)

GG: wow i feel like a bitch for having notifications off fucking constantly
GG: need to keep myself from spiraling before work but. hoogh

interpersonal (-/+)

GG: drastically overestimating the scale to which other people are actually hurt/affected by these things as usual, or like, if not that, then the effort required to heal and genuinely make things okay again
GG: i think i may have some bad experiences around this?

GG: [i was going to say "i think i may be traumatized" and im still going to because i think thats more to the point]
GG: [you know i know its not the same as the much more significant trauma a lot of ppl including myself and probably anyone reading this have had to deal with]