we decided to stop doing our math courses proof problems because they arent
teaching us anything, lol. theyre a pain and we dedicate hours upon hours to
fumbling away at them for aaages on end and its like, yo!!! this aint helping
us learn shit!!!!! so no more proof problems for us! until we find a better
course to focus on geometry and get better at in general. i do think most of
the problem here is just that the course isnt providing the tools to actually
get better at it, so hopefully switching to some well-recommended other will
help out a bit. maybe it wont make it as enjoyable as were hoping it COULD be,
but at least, like, well be learning *something*?? maybe!! anyway, deciding to
stop math for now and get back to the (non-proof) problems tomorrow. its pretty
late and we havent journalled yet, so.

*brb's*

okay back! irl is loud and noisy so we cant focus superrrr well. got somea that
labyrinths heart playing in the background tho baaaybee, it should help.
tbh half just sleeping right now though, im sleeeeeepy. not literally or anythn
like that, just letting myself betm in the music, while waiting for something
to happen. irl to quiet down, me to get ideas, me to just fall asleep lol

i mean i know what i wanna write about but im tirerererrrrrerrererrrd and dont
super duper wanna, its easier to sleeeeeeeeeep

TH1S 1S NOT R3COMM3ND3D

thank you i *know* :P

tryna decide if i wanna pass this to vriska...... ill work on it myself for now

-

the way weve (ive?) been relating to exploring plurality has been a bit more
reminiscent to a past iffy experience than id like! its not a problem with the
subject matter or anything -- the issue is how im... letting myself stagnate in
negative feelings, instead of actually seriously letting myself learn about
things, discuss with myself in a constructive manner rather than a "oh god this
is all terrible and im being bad for even thinking about it" kind of way.

and i know that this is a problem because i ran into what was essentially the
same trouble back in 2018! the authors behind floraverse, a comic pretty core
to my experiences with figuring out my identity at the time (particularly with
regards to gender), had a shitty call-out written incriminating them of some
really bad stuff. well, shitty though it was for the people who made it to do,
i didnt realize that at the time; it felt like a genuine warning to me, so i
decided to distance myself from floraverse. it wasnt until over a year later
(actually almost exactly my sixteenth birthday) that i eventually absolved
myself of any guilt over relating to or learning from them!

but lets not skip to the end; the span between matters a lot, since its where
i feel im basically at when it comes to exploring plurality. you know the
context; whenever i thought about floraverse, about the way it influenced who
id become (who i was comfortable being, in spite of what lead me there!),
about the love that *still* remained in me for its characters and world and
story and music and apparent passion... i just felt terrible! i felt like i
couldnt bear to be *inspired* by the work of people who had done such shitty
things. buuuuut....

but the thing is, that moral quandry - is it ok to have found goodness in a
work or community authored/lead by someone who turned out to be terrible in
ways you could never forgive - that wasnt the actual problem at root, past
maybe the first couple months. what was bothering me was that i just could not
decide whether glitchedpuppet and eevee were *actually* shitty. id read the
callouts, id lurked the threads of people stalking them; all that pointed to
them having done terrible things. but id also read lots of their own thoughts,
their responses and their history by their *own* accounts, and... well, they
were painting themselves as people who were getting harrassed by a shitty
group of teenagers and the like who had gotten swayed by a culture of abuse
built around callouts.

for a long time i just couldnt decide who to trust! i knew what they were
saying COULD be true, but i saw what everyone else was saying, and it seemed
impossible for me to just accept that yes, the claims of abuse and the like
were misplaced or badly founded. how could i, when there were so, so many
people shouting out that all those claims were true? but how could i DENY the
possibility that they werent? i would spiral over it for hours, many days;
it was terrible to spend so much time on and keep myself from channeling myself
into whatever daytime endeavors i had fully, but i couldnt *stop* thinking
about it, not when i felt such a strong connection to the comic and community.

annnd that sort of feels like where im at with plural things right now.
its like in my heart i *want*, so strongly, for it to be true, for it to be
good for me; but i have so much self-doubt over it that ive kept myself from
coming to a positive conclusion, despite how much that might actually be able
to do for me. (heck, it would free me from obsessing over it so much, and that
in itself would be a pretty good benefit!)

the conclusion, with floraverse, came when i decided to let myself read through
the latest updates, the latest responses by glitchedpuppet to what theyd been
going through through that year. i figured hell, even if it doesnt end up
changing anything about the way i see floraverse, was i really going to be
losing anything by hearing their side? and... well, it didnt really change
anything. what it did was solidify the suspicion that had already been growing
in my head for a while, by that point: nobody putting this much emotion, this
much transparency and openness into everything they had gone through during
their life, could be lying - especially not for the sake of hurting the people
they supposedly "lure" into their community, as the accusations framed.
id figured that could well be the case since reading their responses and
frustrations on twitter and mastodon; the art animations theyd posted recently
were what finally pushed me to treat it so.

but that push was just the breaking point; i dont think it was core to the
final outcome. i was already forming the gut-felt conclusion -- i just wasnt
letting myself face it, until then.

i dont think im quite there yet, with plurality. i think the *emotion* is
there, to be certain; i very highly doubt im going to turn around and say naah,
turns out actually im 100% singlet no plural yo!!!. but i doubt ill be able to
accept plurality - whatever form it is - as the absolute truth of me until i
learn more about it, build more confidence, both mechanical and emotional.
it sucks to let myself fall into self-doubt so frequently. if i can build ways
to avoid that (and to get myself out of it when it happens...and to let myself
feel bad or directionless or hopeless without it having to rip away my base of
"yes, i am plural, and this is not changing") --- i think then ill be able to
really lay down that yeah, im plural.

but maybe part of that is accepting that i (probably) am in the first place.

---

woof.

im z'sssss i msleepy ok look i WROTE is this enough lol

Y34H 1 TH1NK TH4T'S F41R

but like!! now what!

W3 SHOULD S4Y H1 TO [Tactical Substitution: close friend]

but that will be hell :( im going to be so tired and i wont have anything at
all to SAY and i,

OK4Y
DON'T FR34K OUT 4BOUT 1T.
W3 DON'T N33D TO DO 1T
1T 1S L4T3, 4ND 1T WOULD NOT B3 PRODUCT1V3
BUT L3T'S TRY TO B3 4ROUND TOMORROW, OK4Y?
1T SUCKS TO G3T STUCK 1N 4 LOOP OF B31NG OFFL1N3 4ND NOT T4LK1NG
BUT YOU DON'T H4V3 TO BR34K YOURS3LF OUT OF 1T *NOW*
NOT WH3N YOU DON'T H4V3 F41R CH4NC3S TO DO SO CL34NLY
SO, TOMORROW.
SOUND GOOD?

...
yeaah

its a little scary because its like
ive been delaying things a lot but
those are unrelated things, really
i think it will be ok tomorrow

H3LL Y34H 1T W1LL B3!
SH3'LL B3 H4PPY TO S33 US
4ND SH3'LL UND3RST4ND 1F W3'V3 GOTT4 T4K3 SOM3 SP4C3 FOR OURS3LV3S SOM3T1M3S
1'M CONF1D3NT 4BOUT TH1S, S3R1OUSLY.

yeah
thank you tzzz

'COURS3 >:]

<3

<3

---

aside: new tweet from valerie halla, lol

  '"wanting to be a girl" is a thing that girls do. if you have a deep longing
   for girlness, but insist you can't possibly be trans, well… the former is a
   facet of who you are, and the latter is a semantic issue. you may have an
   easier time getting over one of these than the other!'

thanks valhal