hi! my name is florrie. but don't tell anyone that, that would make things worse.

i hate it when people use he/him pronouns for me - i would much prefer they/them. but don't tell anyone that, that would also make things worse.

i am perpetually frustrated by my lack of doing specific things, even when i am actually doing things. just don't tell anyone that. it always makes things worse.

i hate my face, and my voice. i don't know what i'd prefer, but what i've got doesn't seem to be it. please don't tell anyone though.

(sorry)

?OTRv23? [snip] has requested an Off-the-Record private conversation (https://otr.cypherpunks.ca/). However, you do not have a plugin to support that. If you are using Pidgin in Debian or Ubuntu, install the pidgin-otr package. See https://otr.cypherpunks.ca/ for more information.

i guess you're not otr-ready right now?

Nope, sorry

what happened?

Not much

okay that's a lie :p

yes :p

I went on a walk with family and accidentally segued into discussion that was not great

See – i am perpetually frustrated by my lack of doing specific things, even when i am actually doing things. just don't tell anyone that. it always makes things worse.

i'm sorry :S
yeah

Wasn't even big of a deal, to anybody but me

Basically,
I've got a YouTube account
Which I share with my mom (mind you she doesn't know its password :P)

Because she occasionally finds the recommended videos on that account interesting

But she mentioned that I hadn't been watching much stuff at all lately, so there wasn't really anything interesting there anymore

I think what mostly hurt was So I've quit that, "that" being watching my YT recommendations

Obviously she didn't mean it to hurt, but it kinda made me feel bad

Also, people referred to me in third person, ugh.

wait
I don't follow the problem with the YT account?

I used to watch interesting science videos on YT - PBS digital studios, SciShow, stuff like that

My mom found those videos interesting, so she's logged into my YT account on her phone

But now I don't watch much on YouTube anymore, so there aren't being any more recommendations of videos mom finds interesting

You're growing up, no? :P

yeah?

I guess I don't understand why this is bothering you. I'm not saying it's wrong that it is, but I'm trying to understand

Since I can't be especially helpful without the context

Yeah, yeah, sorry for not being totally clear, I suppose 😛

So I've always been distraught by the whole "I'm not doing as much as I want to be doing" thing. (See my socialization post, remember?)

Mm
I guess here's what I'd ask
Sure, you're not watching science videos anymore,
but are you doing other things in place?

(I'm guessing the answer is "no" or else this wouldn't be bothering you so)

The thing is, the answer is.. yes, I think. I am doing things I like doing now. I worked on a project I hadn't worked on for a long time (but have always kind of wanted to) yesterday.

So it seems weird that it'd bother me, right?

But I guess the reason it does is that I still don't watch YouTube videos, and now.. well, that's affecting someone else, not just me. Someone else isn't getting to watch as much interesting stuff as they usually would, because of me not watching as much.

So, that's a silly reason, though..
Because it's unfair for me to feel bad about myself not doing something that doesn't interest me.

Somebody else was relying on me watching the videos that were interesting previously, but they weren't really relying on me, and it's not that bad that I'm not watching those videos anymore (which leads to them not getting to occasionally see the videos they were interested in).

Obviously if they really wanted to see those videos they'd just watch them on their own YT account, right?

As a general rule, only do things if you either want to do them (like some of your coding projects or volunteer work or whatever) or have to do them (like school or a job). Don't feel guilty for saying "no"

Right, exactly.

Yes, they could find the videos themselves.
And even if they couldn't, you have no obligation to them here.
You might enjoy helping them with the videos -- in which case, go for it -- but then you wouldn't be conflicted now :P

I think the reason it makes me feel bad is just that I used to find videos of that type interesting, and it's hard to say no, I don't find them interesting anymore, which is the reason I'm not watching them. Right?

It's hard to convince myself that it's alright to not do what's not as interesting as something else at the time 😛

Yeah
I mean, I'm probably the wrong person to talk about this with, since I deal with depression

I get that science videos feel lame now, but that's because everything feels lame, which doesn't seem to be the case here

It's more like, lame..lamer than other things at the time.

mm

For a while it was
"This definitely isn't lame, and I always enjoy watching/doing it, but right now I can't convince myself that it's not lame before I've started."

That's basically the internet-ritual view

mm
*offers florrie a hug*

I hate physical contact?????? (Good thing it's not physical and just a statement of emotion etc)

(Read: thanks)

:p
and, um,

my name is florrie i hate it when people use he/him pronouns for me i hate my face, and my voice. i don't know what i'd prefer, but what i've got doesn't seem to be it.

this sounds a lot like dysphoria to me :S

..in the sense that it's like, "I have no idea what is best but this doesn't feel right" and "I'm not sure if any of that stuff I'm feeling actually means anything, because it seems a lot more real for everyone else" and "Do any of my feelings actually count if they're biased because of my experiences, and not feelings I've had since birth"

i mean
sec
gah why did wikipedia update

because anyone can and will update it (:

heh
why are the government sites so fucked up

sites

GOOD point

well, just going by the definition of dysphoria, those statements fit a lot of the symptoms
I would not be surprised if you're non-binary, for instance

My question is, when did you decide you where attracted to, and-are-going-to-date, the same-gender, years before your legally able to marry (or really, even be in love with someone)

I didn't decide that; it was decided for me at birth.

..so does anything I'm feeling actually mean anything if it's biased because of my experiences and what I've read about other people??????

my response was only partially true
since I know if I answered honestly they'd nitpick
and I don't have the energy to deal with assholes

Fair and true 😛

Would it be helpful to talk to one of my NB friends?

Would it help??? I don't know, probably, but it's kinda tough to talk to anyone who isn't, er, you 😛

I'll rephrase
Would you like me to ask them about what you've said without using your name or specifics?

Yes, that'd be nice~

aight
(they're super cool, though, if you ever warm up haha)
(Talking to them now)

"i hate my... voice. i don't know what i'd prefer, but what i've got doesn't seem to be it"
I don't know if this sounds interesting or not, but voices are pretty malleable
It's difficult, but you can train for whatever sound you want
male, female, Mickey Mouse, whatever :p

That's interesting, but I have no idea what would be not worse :p

well that's the good thing
you could just experiment
sec

that sounds nonbinary yeah but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are

some specific labels to look into might be agender and neutrois, if they are the kind to want to find people with similar experiences
and/or like labels
which it sounds like they might not be

don't pressure them to put a label on themself though

Okay, note to self, try to not be pressured
and yeah, I'm not really that type :p
I'm curious though, I've never heard of neutrois

there's not very much you [i] can/should do here

🎉