CHAPTER 9. How Goes The Eulogizing, Dear?

JANE: (Where is he?)

JANE: (It's a question I've found myself asking many times in recent days.)

JANE: (Where now is our merry savior?)

JANE: (Where is the horn that was honking?)

JANE: (Where is the cape and the codpiece, and the...)

JANE: (The...)

JANE: (Oh, fiddlesticks.)

JANE: (Okay, poetry is out.)

JANE: (What else?)

JANE: (Hrm...)

JANE: (I've always been pretty good at crying on cue.)

JANE: (Could I try staging an emotional breakdown?)

JANE: (That could work; playing to people's humanity.)

JANE: (Or whatever is the more inclusive term.)

JANE: (It could work.)

JANE: (One really good and calculated weep could do it, I think.)

JANE: (But then there's the danger that I might get carried away and do it for real.)

JANE: (And I can't risk that.)

JANE: (No... no, I'll have to stick to an ordinary eulogy.)

JANE: (As ordinary as it can be, under the circumstances.)

JANE: (Alright, let's see.)

JANE: (What can I say about him that will stir up their emotions?)

JANE: (Do I mention the stuff about the milk?)

JANE: (Think Crocker, think.)

JAKE: Ahoy over there!

JAKE: Er... how goes the eulogizing, dear?

JANE: In a word: awfully.

JAKE: Ah.

JANE: It turns out that it's mighty difficult to find touching things to say about a person, the relationship with whom was predicated on deep-seated mutual loathing.

JANE: I imagine this is one of the reasons no funerary tradition was ever established on Alternia, besides the barbarism of their culture.

DIRK: Jesus christ.

JANE: Not only did a significant proportion of their interpersonality depend on romance in the form of hatred, but it was a society based on cruelty and violence.

JANE: What reason could they have had to provide for the dead?

JANE: What kind of last rites could they have even imagined?

JAKE: Um...

JAKE: Could i have that once more, sans the raci--

JAKE: I mean,

JAKE: In laymans terms?

JANE: Sigh.

JANE: Jake,

JANE: I can't think of anything good to write about him because deep down, I hated his guts.

JANE: But he was and is beloved of the multitude, so I have to think of something regardless.

JAKE: Im not sure i understand.

JANE: Don't worry your pretty little head about it.

JANE: This is politics, Jakey.

JANE: Lying through your two front teeth about people you hate is about as good a definition as it's possible to get.

JANE: But, by gum, is it tiring work.

JANE: Work to which I need to return this instant.

JANE: The funeral is tomorrow, after all.

JAKE: Right you are.

JAKE: ...

JAKE: I um... brought you some coffee?

JAKE: Ill just... put it down... here...

JAKE: ...

DIRK: Dude, the bowl.

JAKE: Hm?

JAKE: Oh, right.

JANE: What is it now, Jake.

JAKE: I brought something for our guest as well.

JANE: You mean the prisoner.

JAKE: Y...es.

JANE: Well, go on then.

JANE: She's over in the corner.

JANE: Don't worry, she won't bite.

JANE: I've seen to that already.

JAKE: Here you are.

JAKE: Its only mac and cheese, sorry.

JAKE: Its all I know how to make, haha.

JAKE: ...

JAKE: I um... hope you can safely partake of cheese?

JAKE: ...

JAKE: Well,

JAKE: Bon appetit.

DIRK: Bon appetit.

DIRK: Seriously dude?

JAKE: (What? Did i pronounce it wrong?)

DIRK: Jake.

DIRK: You put the food in a fucking dog bowl.

JAKE: (It was all there was, ok???)

JAKE: (I feel awful enough as it is without you getting on my case about it.)

DIRK: All I'm saying is that this is full-blown, bona fide evil minion behavior you're getting up to.

JAKE: (Well whose confounded idea was it for me to come back in the first place, brain ghost dirk?)

JAKE: (So far ive yet to see anything come of that brilliant plan of yours.)

JAKE: (Are you sure sending that message to the others was enough?)

DIRK: Patience, Jake.

DIRK: Rome didn't fall in a day.

DIRK: Besides, are we really going to hash this out now, in front of dear, sweet Yiffany?

JAKE: (No, i guess youre right.)

JANE: What are you mumbling about over there?

JAKE: Ah, nothing dearest!

DIRK: "Dearest."

JAKE: (Oh shut up!!!)

JANE: If you're finished, I'd appreciate being left to my work.

JAKE: ... Of course, dearest.

JAKE: Good night.

JANE: ...

JANE: !!!

JANE: I hope you're not expecting dessert, young lady.

YIFFY: GRRRRRRRRR...

JANE: Oh no you don't.

YIFFY: GRRR *BZZT* RRRR *BZZT* AAAA *BZZT* AAAA *BZZT* AAAA *BZZT* AAAA *BZZT* AAWW *BZZT* OOOO *BZZT* OOOO *BZZT* OOOO *BZZT* OOOO *BZZT* OOOO *BZZT* OOOO *BZZT*

JANE: Are you done?

YIFFY: ...

JANE: That's more like it.

JANE: You've been a thorn in my side ever since I agreed to enroll you at the academy, little madam.

JANE: Back then, I was doing a favor for two old friends who made a disgusting mistake.

JANE: I'm no longer going to play nice with you just because of your parents, however.

JANE: That truce is over.

JANE: Do I make myself understood?

YIFFY: ...

JANE: Hmph.

JANE: Out cold.

JANE: Maybe I should reduce the voltage a trifle.

JANE: We don't want you passing out during the ceremony, do we?

JANE: Now, be a good hostage and get some rest, Yiffany dear.

JANE: We've got a big day tomorrow.

JANE: Night night.

JANE: Hoo hoo.