CHAPTER 8. A Daughter Astray
JANE: Assassinations, open warfare, so-called "revolution," and where has everyone gone?
JANE: They've ABANDONED me. They've taken our precious son. And now...
JANE: Good gravy... Even my former BFFsie's home has become a pit of vipers.
JANE: Oh, Jake. Are you the only loyal one left? :'B
JAKE: Um......................
DIRK: This is just delicious.
DIRK: Your sorry ass is serving my ailing soul three michelin stars' worth of irony right now, English.
DIRK: I'm slurping this shit up like it's a piping hot bowl of udon.
DIRK: Itadakimasu.
JAKE: AHEM,
JAKE: Look here, janey...
JAKE: Things might seem a bit maudlin right now but im sure theres some explanation for all the chicanery afoot!
JAKE: Wouldnt it be good to drop them a wire, pull a few strings and set up a good old chinwag, so we can all hash it out like a cosy cabal of bosom pals???
JANE: Jake, you're sweet. Foolish, empty-headed, deluded by hope, a slave to your instincts... but sweet.
JANE: Now is not the time for sweet.
DIRK: Said the former baking empress.
JAKE: But...
JAKE: Jeepers janey, the way you make it sound. You couldnt possibly mean...?
JANE: Oh, but I do.
JANE: It's time I gave the rebellion their just deserts.
JAKE: B.. but i thought you said that now wasnt the time for sw-
JANE: It's an expression, Jake.
JANE: Here's another:
JANE: "An eye for an eye."
JANE: Once we have rescued our son from their clutches, I'm going to take something of my own; something as valuable to the rebellion as Tavvy is to me.
JANE: Two can play at the hostage game. That loathsome daughter of theirs should fit the bill nicely.
JANE: Then those naughty rebels will cease this unruly tantrum, and do what they are told.
JAKE: (Gulp.)
HARRY ANDERSON: so...
HARRY ANDERSON: um. vriska?
VRISKA: The one and o........
VRISKA: (Ughhhhhhhh)
VRISKA: I mean, yeah. That's me!!!!!!!!
HARRY ANDERSON: i've heard a lot about you. my name's harry anderson egbert.
HARRY ANDERSON: but my friends just call me harry anderson.
VRISKA: And what do incredi8ly hot and 8adass alien girls call you? ::::)
VRISKA: 8ecause there's no way I'm saying Harry Anderson every time. That's like... 8 whole letters too long.
VRISKA: From now on your name is just Harry.
HARRY: o... k?
VRISKA: Gr8.
VRISKA: So what's your deal, Harry?
VRISKA: If I had to 8et, I'd say you're the thing that pup8ed after a 8ar8aric act of human sexual intercourse 8etween John and some Lalonde or other.
HARRY: ok.
HARRY: ew.
HARRY: i do NOT want to think about that.
VRISKA: Too 8ad, chief. It's 8asically all I've 8een dealing with today.
VRISKA: "Welcome 8ack, Vriska. Your friends have spent the last who-knows-how many sweeps producing an army of freakish offspring, all while steadily getting uglier and LESS COOL."
HARRY: lol. gottem.
HARRY: but um, yeah. john and roxy are my parents.
VRISKA: Ugh, "parents".
VRISKA: I didn't care a8out all this alien shit when John first tried to tell me a8out it, and I DEFIN8TELY don't care any more.
HARRY: hahaha...
VRISKA: What?
HARRY: i don’t know, i’ve just never talked to a troll who didn’t grow up around humans.
HARRY: you sound like vrissy, but if vrissy was from like...
HARRY: ok, so have you ever seen the musical calamity jane?
HARRY: i guess you probably haven't.
HARRY: but so there's this part at the beginning, where the title character comes back from chicago, and she talks to all of the old-timey locals about how bizarre and new-fangled everything was, and
VRISKA: Godddddddd it really is like talking to teenage John all over again.
VRISKA: No I haven't seen Chastity Jane or whatever the stupid title was. It sounds like a total snooze!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: And anyway, what are you trying to say?
VRISKA: That I sound outd8ed?
VRISKA: There WERE no humans on Alternia, okay? There were no humans, and no human "musicals", in my entire UNIVERSE.
HARRY: it sounds like a horrible place. ):
VRISKA: Yeah, it 8lew so un8elieva8ly hard.
VRISKA: And while we're at it: don't compare me to Vrissy either!!!!!!!! She's no 8etter than the rest of you.
VRISKA: She's soft. I can tell.
VRISKA: None of you weenies would have survived even a day, 8ack where I came from.
HARRY: i bet i would have.
VRISKA: HAH!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: No way, kid.
VRISKA: I mean, I can tell that you think you’re hot shit, and I can respect reckless 8ravado.
VRISKA: 8ut only if you can 8ack it up. :::;)
HARRY: i can back it up.
VRISKA: Oh yeah????????
VRISKA: Ever killed any8ody????????
VRISKA: Ever even thrown a P8NCH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
HARRY: well... no.
HARRY: i mean, we've done stage fighting before, but never the real stuff.
HARRY: but i bet i could learn. i took kickboxing with my mom for a month and half when i was nine.
VRISKA: Pffffffff.
VRISKA: Well, at least you aren’t a coward. I’ve known guys softer than you, 8elieve it or not.
VRISKA: John, for instance!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: He totally freaked out the first time I told him I killed some8ody.
HARRY: haha, that sounds like my dad.
VRISKA: He came through, though. I guess. When it actually counted.
VRISKA: He was there to punch me in the face when I needed it most.
HARRY: hehe...
HARRY: ...
HARRY: wait.
HARRY: like... literally?
VRISKA: Yup!
Harry doesn’t really know what to think about this past version of his father. He knows the stories, the legends, the lore. He’s seen John’s old fetch modi, the ugly blue pajamas and all the hammers. Most of them are in museums. That his parents are literal gods has always been a basic fact about his family life, about as interesting as who sits where at the dinner table. It’s all normal to him. Every detail of that part of his parents’ lives has always seemed to lie on the other side of an insuperable barrier, cut off from the people they are now. Harry had always assumed that this dividing line was simply an effect of the passage of time. Being boring and two-dimensional just seemed like it came with the territory when you were an adult.
But now he's not so sure. Ever since hearing that one of his dad's old friends had turned up, that border between past and present has felt fainter by the minute. And as they talk, he begins to think that Vriska seems so much... fresher. More real. An actual, authentic, bona fide god from another universe. Harry can’t imagine his dad even talking to someone like her, let alone punching her in the face.
Freaking out about murder, though; that's definitely something Harry can see his father doing. And, speaking of which...
HARRY: not to cast doubt on any of these stories about my dad that you're telling me vriska, but he's probably going to freak out a bit about this whole clown situation.
HARRY: as well as... you even being here?
VRISKA: John already knows I'm here, num8nuts!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: And as for the stuff with Gamzee,
HARRY: no, listen, i mean the fact that you're HERE here. the fact that you're involving any of the rest of us.
HARRY: my mom probably won't be happy about this either!
HARRY: i'm not allowed ONE vriska in my bedroom.
HARRY: i don't even want to THINK about how much trouble i'll be in if she finds out i had TWO of them up there.
VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha oh my god. And you expect me to 8elieve you'd survive on Alternia?
HARRY: well, i'm not there right now!
HARRY: right now i'm in my mom's house with my girlfriend, her boyfriend, and another god damn version of my girlfriend, and all of us are probably now on the run from the fucking GOVERNMENT!!!!
VRISKA: Ooooooookay, so YOU'RE freaking out a8out it now. Cool.
HARRY: of course i am freaking out vriska!
HARRY: i'm freaking out what i think is probably a good amount about this. the fashionable amount of freaking out.
HARRY: the coolest possible amount of freaking out to be doing about the present situation, is the amount of freaking out i'm doing right now.
VRISKA: >::::|
HARRY: but my dad ISN'T cool!!! he just spent like an hour on driving me around in his car and talking about emotions and stuff.
HARRY: he's going through some kind of personal epiphany at the moment. he even shaved off his MUSTACHE before coming here.
HARRY: this is really serious, and now i'm implicated in it as well!
HARRY: you guys were at my school, so he'll realise immediately that you were trying to meet up with me!
HARRY: he's going to absolutely flip his fucking lid if he ever finds out about this!!
HARRY: or worse, it might just make him as miserable as before, and he'll be really disappointed in me, and then he'll just leave again, or... or SOMETHING!!
HARRY: and that's not to even MENTION--
Harry is not even able to mention the thing he was about to mention, because at this exact moment his phone starts ringing.
BECAUSE JELLICLES CAN AND JEEEEEEELLICLES DO JELLICLES DO AND JELLICLES CAN JELLICLES CAN AND JEEEEEELLICLES
HARRY: oh fuck.
JELLICLES CAN AND JEEEEEEELLICLES DO JELLICLES DO AND JELLICLES CAN JELLICLES CAN AND JEEEEEELLICLES
HARRY: it's him.
VRISSY: Check it out, someone's already cospl8ying my fit from tod8y.
TAVROS: I'm sure it's very good, but there's,
VRISSY: Good? It's Infuri8ing!!!!!!!!
VRISSY: UGH! So many f8ke accounts pretending to 8e me. Stealing my hard-earned Clout. Fakey f8ke F8KES.
TAVROS: So,
TAVROS: Not that that isn't important,,, but, we should really talk about
VRISSY: Damn Right it's import8nt Tavros! Image is a8out as Important as it gets.
VRISSY: If you understood that a little better then m8ybe we'd have gotten to Third 8ase already.
TAVROS: Th,,,,,,
TAVROS: W,,,,,,,,,,
TAVROS: (Vrissy,,)
TAVROS: (We haven't,,, even,,,,,)
VRISSY: My Point ex8ctly. ;;;;)
TAVROS: Oh,, i see,
TAVROS: Just a wee joke,, to, lighten the mood,, or something,
VRISSY: 8ingo.
VRISSY: Relax Tavvy.
VRISSY: You're starting to Sweat Nervously. You know I H8te it when you Swe8t Nervously.
TAVROS: Thank you,,
VRISSY: Th8t wasn't a Fucking H8mance Complim8nt, I do genuinely Hate it and not in a Fun Way.
TAVROS: Oh,,
TAVROS: I'm,, sorry,,,,
VRISSY: Ugh. Whatever.
VRISSY: I'm just... 8eing a 8itch. Forget about it.
TAVROS: ,,,,
VRISSY: ........
VRISSY: The two of Them seem to 8e Getting Along.
TAVROS: You mean,, harry anderson and vriska,
VRISSY: No Tavros, The *Other* Two People In The Room With Us.
VRISSY: Yes Harry 8nderson and Vriska!!!!!!!!
VRISSY: They seem like a 8unch of pals Already.
VRISSY: I'm Glad.
TAVROS: You don't sound,,, happy about it,
VRISSY: Not Happy? Tavros, I'm Over The Fucking Moon a8out this. See? I'm smiling So Hard my F8ce hurts! ::::))))))))
TAVROS: That does look like it hurts,, yes,
VRISSY: This is Gr8. This is all Gr8! It's all Just GR8!!!!!!!!
VRISSY: The Way she just cannon8alled into our lives out of nowhere was gr8.
VRISSY: Killing that Clown? Without a Doubt the 8est thing I've ever Fucking Seen.
VRISSY: Dragging his 8ody through Harry Anderson's school, 8eing drenched in W8ter, and Hiding in a Clos8t?
VRISSY: The Picture of Gr8tness incarn8!!!!!!!!
TAVROS: I might be imagining it, but,, i believe i detect the merest smidgen of insincerity, in the way you're describing these events,,
VRISSY: 8ut you know wh8t's the Gr8test thing of all?
VRISSY: It's the F8ct th8t they can Just Stand There and Ch8t, like it's Not Even a 8ig Deal!
TAVROS: Is it a big deal,,
TAVROS: Other than, the various ways in which basically everything right now,, could be said to constitute a deal that is somewhat developed,,, in the sense of, bigness,,,,,
VRISSY: Of Course It's A 8ig De8l????????
VRISSY: I mean!
VRISSY: UGH!!!!!!!!
VRISSY: Just LOOK 8t Them.
TAVROS: I am,, looking,
TAVROS: But,
TAVROS: I do not see it,
TAVROS: Whatever it is about the two of them, that you want me to be observing,,
TAVROS: I cannot help but note, though,, that you seem a little,,,,, on edge about something,
TAVROS: Similar to how you get,, when there are people who you would describe as,, uncool, in the general vicinity,,
TAVROS: Other than me, i mean,
TAVROS: Or when someone,, who you were mutuals with, on some social media site or other,, unfollows you,
TAVROS: Betraying what i can only assume is a sacred bond of trust,
TAVROS: And,, it makes me wonder if this might be another such occasion,,, where some unspoken social contract has been shamelessly torn asunder,
VRISSY: Okay. Fine.
VRISSY: You make a Good Point, Tavros.
VRISSY: I just........
VRISSY: Sigh.
VRISSY: It's Vriska.
TAVROS: Ok,
TAVROS: Would it make you feel any better, if i pretended to be surprised about that,,
VRISSY: 8ite me.
TAVROS: Listen,
TAVROS: I know you don't like to talk about these kinds of things,,
TAVROS: Having said, on previous occasions, stuff like,,
TAVROS: "Feelings are for adults and babies, not real people,"
TAVROS: And i'm not,, necessarily, saying that you have some unaddressed feelings,
TAVROS: But,, maybe if we're going to be around her,
TAVROS: You should try to be honest, about the feelings, that you don't have,,
VRISSY: TAvros, It's Nothing.
TAVROS: ,
VRISSY: I mean... okay, look.
VRISSY: Much as I H8 to admit it, you're Right.
VRISSY: Her being here, it m8kes me Feel Something.
VRISSY: It's Something about the W8y she Looks at him.
VRISSY: The Rest of us too.
VRISSY: Like we're not even Real.
TAVROS: Yes,, this is good,
VRISSY: Ever since she showed up, it's 8een o8vious that Nothing Here M8tters to her.
VRISSY: Like... I don't Matter.
VRISSY: And to 8e Honest, I think I Understand why!
VRISSY: Everything Here is so dwee8ish and 8oring!!!!!!!!
TAVROS: This is a good level of honesty, that you're displaying here,,
TAVROS: I'm absorbing everything you're saying,, in a very non judgemental way,
VRISSY: And with her 8eing here, Talking to Harry Anderson...
VRISSY: I get this sort of frustr8ed feeling in my Chest.
VRISSY: And if I H8d to say Why,
TAVROS: You can do it,,
VRISSY: I guess it would 8e 8ecause........
VRISSY: ........
TAVROS: Because you're worried harry anderson thinks she's cooler than you,,
TAVROS: Because you're jealous,,,,
VRISSY: W8.
VRISSY: What?
VRISSY: No!
VRISSY: Tavros, were you Listening to 8NYTHING I was Just Saying?
VRISSY: I'm not worried a8out Harry Fucking 8nderson right now!
VRISSY: Hell, I'm so Unconcerned that I think I'm going to start just calling him Harry from now on! It'll Save Everyone a lot of Valua8le Time!
VRISSY: Listen Tavros, Vriska will get 8ored of Harry in a Heart8eat!
VRISSY: That's the whole point!!!!!!!!
VRISSY: She shouldn't 8e w8sting her Time on someone like Him!
VRISSY: SHE SHOULD BE T8LKING T8 ME!!!!!!!!
TAVROS:
VRISSY: I MEAN,
VRISSY: Sh,
TAVROS: ,
VRISSY: Oh just
VRISSY: Forget it.
VRISSY: What were you Trying To Tell me a8out?
TAVROS: Um,,
TAVROS: Oh,
TAVROS: Right,
TAVROS: Yes,
TAVROS: You should,,, probably come and take a look out the window,
TAVROS: We appear to be in,
TAVROS: If you'll pardon the expression,,,
TAVROS: A bit of a fudging pickle,
DO YOU LAND ON YOUR FEET ARE YOU TENSE WHEN YOU SENSE THERE'S A STORM IN THE AIR
HARRY: ok everyone, my dad's calling.
HARRY: if he finds out you're here then he will definitely put two and two together, so PLEASE just keep quiet and let me do the talking.
VRISKA: Sure thing.
HARRY: er,
HARRY: hi dad.
VRISKA: HI JOHN!!!!!!!!
VRISSY: Hi Mister Eg8ert!!!!!!!!!
HARRY: oh god dammit.
HARRY: um.
HARRY: so.
HARRY: i guess.
HARRY: first of all,
JOHN: HELLO SON!
JOHN: I AM
JOHN: SO
JOHN: VERY
JOHN: PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!
HARRY:
JOHN: PHEW, that felt good to say.
JOHN: or to yell, i guess. heheh.
JOHN: sorry about that, harry anderson.
JOHN: i just didn't think i'd be seeing your handiwork all over the news quite so soon!
HARRY: so...
HARRY: you know about it.
JOHN: yep! you think i wouldn't have recognized your school?
HARRY: right... and you're not like... mad? about the dead body and vriska and stuff?
JOHN: son,
JOHN: it looks like you tried to pull one of the biggest pranks i can think of.
JOHN: and it backfired!
HARRY: y... yeah.
JOHN: but that's ok!!!
JOHN: it could have happened to the best of us.
JOHN: ok, so maybe it wasn't the most original idea.
JOHN: and you should probably have steered clear of such a blatant nod to weekend at bernie's without seriously planning some of the logistics in advance.
JOHN: i know that they make it seem so easy in that movie, but it's important to remember that not everything on the big screen translates easily to real life.
JOHN: ESPECIALLY when dead bodies and clowns are concerned.
JOHN: but these are all mistakes that any amateur prank master has to make some time.
JOHN: and besides, you managed to keep quiet about it the whole time we were chatting earlier. i was completely fooled!
JOHN: but you had to get one up on the prankster's gambit against me someday. honestly, it feels like an early birthday present or something!
JOHN: so i guess what i'm saying is that... you should be proud of yourself.
HARRY: ok dad.
HARRY: um, thanks.
JOHN: so. you're still at your mother's house?
HARRY: yeah... i couldn't think where else to go.
HARRY: you obviously just heard, but both vriskas are here. tavros too.
HARRY: i think the girls are fighting? i don't really know. it's very confusing due to the fact that there are... well.
JOHN: two of them?
HARRY: yeah.
HARRY: i think two vriskas is more than enough for anybody.
JOHN: heh. two vriskas is NOTHING.
JOHN: when i was your age i lost count of all the vriskas i had to keep track of.
JOHN: it was probably some preposterous number.
HARRY: hahaha.
JOHN: and tavros? is he ok?
HARRY: i think so.
HARRY: he seems his, uh,, usual self,,,
JOHN: now, harry anderson, i know that you and tavros haven't always gotten along.
JOHN: but i am going to have to ask you to try and look out for him for the time being.
JOHN: your uncle jake and i... well, i'll explain later.
JOHN: let's just say that gamzee isn't the only family member jane is losing today.
HARRY: dad... if you wanted me to KILL tavros, you only had to ask.
TAVROS: (Um,,,)
HARRY: couldn't resist.
JOHN: can you see out of the window?
HARRY: yeah, i'm looking right now. the place is heaving with reporters.
JOHN: i thought so. the press didn't take long to come to the same conclusion i did. you're on the news already.
JOHN: and it's the same story here. people with cameras are crawling all over the yard.
JOHN: which means jane's secret police are there too. the drones won't be far behind.
HARRY: oh fuck.
HARRY: sorry, i mean. oh... farts.
JOHN: harry anderson egbert.
JOHN: the word "fuck" was invented for moments like this.
HARRY: haha?
JOHN: but anyway, you need to get out of there, fast.
JOHN: try to create some kind of distraction or something, and then head for the bell tower.
HARRY: you mean the one they hang the dirk strider memorial effigy from every year?
JOHN: yes, that's the place.
JOHN: i'll meet you guys up there.
HARRY: um,
HARRY: ok dad.
JOHN: oh, and harry?
JOHN: just some small pieces of advice.
JOHN: some guidelines that any budding prankster or newly fledged fugitive should know.
JOHN: don't panic,
JOHN: don't make a scene,
JOHN: and whatever you do...
JOHN: don't get caught!!
Two commanders stand on the bridge of a rebel ship. The Maryam-Lalondes are characters of legend, beheld not in awe but in fascination, and this place of command is for them like a stage. All around them bubbles the hustle and bustle of an army on the boil, a hundred ready hands dashing to and fro with the frantic busywork of battle. In amongst the confusion, they occupy a solitary vacuum, an oasis of calm amid the storm. As the world seethes with the acid sting of war, they have stood steadfast and resolute; when hope has seemed at its most distant, they have shone as a beacon of possibility.
Individually, they each represent immeasurable gains for the rebel faction. The rebellion's stratagems have never had a fiercer bite; their uniforms have never looked so fucking sharp. But it is together, united, that their true strength is made apparent. Their bond, a union of love between troll and human, is not only a foundation for the rebel cause, but an integral symbol of its purpose. And now, deep in enemy territory, in this moment of intolerable anguish and suspense, these two symbols stand firm. Unshakeable, immovable. Nay, even unflappable.
Well, almost.
KANAYA: Try Calling Her Again!
ROSE: I HAVE tried, but she's not picking up!!
KANAYA: What About Harry Anderson Or Tavros!
ROSE: Kanaya, nobody is answering!!!
KANAYA: Rose I Feel Like I Must Sink To The Level Of Stating The Obvious But This Is Terrible!
KANAYA: This Is Awful!
KANAYA: This Is!
KANAYA: Just!
KANAYA: Aaaaaaargh!
KANAYA: I Cant Think Of Any More Related Adjectives!
ROSE: It's...
ROSE: Kanaya, I don't want to resort to idle, baseless platitudes.
ROSE: So I won't.
ROSE: I don't understand what's going on any more than you do, and I'm sorry.
ROSE: I'm sorry!
KANAYA: Rose Our Daughter Is In Danger And We Are But Powerless To Help Her!
KANAYA: I Do Not Understand Why This Is Happening Or What Precise Series Of Events Led To This Predicament But I Doubt That They Are Directly Or Indirectly Your Fault!
KANAYA: I Feel Like Your Apologising Is Serving As The Very Baseless Platitude Which You Sought To Avoid!
ROSE: No, I know.
ROSE: I know, dear.
ROSE: I just wish I had answers!! My useless powers aren't being any help, and what's worse,
ROSE: I can't see ANYTHING useful on this stupid news channel!!
KANAYA: I Think It Is A Cruel Irony That We Are Forced To Depend On Crocker's Branded Coverage Of Our Own Daughters Headhunting!
KANAYA: Not To Mention That The Quality Of This Broadcast Leaves Something To Be Desired!
KANAYA: I Know That We Are Enemies But I Really Expected Better Of Such A Shrewd Businesswoman!
ALFONZ: excuse me mA'Ams
ROSE: I just don't understand what Vriska was doing there in the first place...
ROSE: Forgetting the fact that Gamzee's dead for a moment,
KANAYA: No I Cant Do That Theyve Just Started Showing The Picture Of Him Again
ROSE: Ugh, god.
KANAYA: For Once The Thought Of His Putrescent Corpse Does Nothing To Quell My Anxiety!
ALFONZ: if i could just tAke A moment of your time
ALFONZ: its A mAtter of some urgency
KANAYA: This Is All So Upsetting That I Cannot Even Find Satisfaction In His Death!
KANAYA: Not When They Have Started Using It As Justification To Call Our Daughter A Terrorist!
KANAYA: And All That Is Without Even Mentioning The Fact!
KANAYA: That Somehow!!
ALFONZ: (*deep breath*)
KANAYA: The Other Vriska Is Also Here!!!
ALFONZ: MA'AMS I HAVE AN URGENT REPORT TO DELIVER, PLEASE FORGIVE MY YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALFONZ: the reconnAissAnce teAm is bAck eArly, mA'Ams
ALFONZ: the ship docked A few moments Ago
ROSE: And the scouting party???
ALFONZ: i expect she's Zipping her wAy up here now, mA'Am
ALFONZ: should be here Any minute n
ALFONZ: oof!
ROSE: Jade!
KANAYA: Oh Thank God
ROSE: We weren't expecting you to get back so soon.
KANAYA: What Is Going On Down There
ROSE: What happened to the rest of your scouting party?
KANAYA: What Is Another VRISKA Doing Here
ROSE: Where is John?
KANAYA: Where Is Dave
ROSE: Where is our *daughter*?!
KANAYA: (Rose I Think We Must Try To Remain Calm And Give Jade A Chance To Answer Our Queries Difficult Though It May Be In This Moment Of Intolerable Anguish And Suspense)
ROSE: I... yes, of course.
KANAYA: Jade It Is Okay
JADE: its........
JADE: *sniffle*
KANAYA: Please Take Your Time
JADE: we dont HAVE any time!!!
JADE: its too late!!!!!!
JADE: janes forces were just too fast...
KANAYA: Oh No
ROSE: You don't mean...
JADE: theyve taken her
JADE: THEYVE TAKEN YIFFY!!!!!!! D:
Okay. While Jade and Rose are busy relieving that moment of intolerable anguish and suspense, let's check back in with the kids for a moment. Planning their escape is going about as well as you might expect.
TAVROS: We appear to be,,, in no uncertain terms,,, completely surrounded,
TAVROS: I don't wish to come across as pessimistic,,, but,
TAVROS: It's hard to see what possibilities we have, for a plan of escape,,,
HARRY: there has to be something we can do!
HARRY: my dad is counting on us to get out of here and meet up with him.
TAVROS: Well,,,
TAVROS: I'm also not wishing to be rude, but,,,,,
VRISSY: It's Ok8y Tavvy, I don't Give A Shit a8out being rude.
VRISSY: Harry, your dad's plan fucking SUCKS.
VRISSY: There's no Easy w8y out of this.
VRISSY: It was simple enough for him to Tell us to escape, 8ut we're the ones th8t Have to 8ctually DO it!
VRISSY: And that advice he gave you?
VRISSY: It was All a load of Meaningless 8ullshit!
VRISSY: "Don't get caught."
VRISSY: Yeah, No Shit!!!!!!!!
HARRY: ok, wow. :/
HARRY: vrissy, i know this is a stressful predicament but i think that's going too far.
HARRY: my dad believes in us.
HARRY: and if he thinks there's something we can do, then there has to be a way!
HARRY: it's the only possibility.
VRISSY: Ok8y, how A8out This for an alternative explan8tion.
VRISSY: Your dad is Giddy and High on the Thrill of Something Interesting h8ppening in his life For Once!
HARRY: i don't believe this.
HARRY: i've been waiting for my dad to start talking to me again for what feels like forever.
HARRY: you KNOW that!
HARRY: and you couldn't just be happy for me this one time?
VRISSY: Oh my GOD Harry 8nderson.
VRISSY: I know you've spent So much Time crying into your d8tenight Popcorn a8out this but Please give it a 8reak!
VRISSY: Just LISTEN to me for once.
VRISSY: This isn't a8out your hangups with your Dad, okay?!
VRISSY: We're in the middle of a WAR.
VRISSY: A War th8t is, in some part, His Fault!
VRISSY: And instead of Taking Responsibility and 8cting like a Grown Up, he decided to Rope us all into this Ins8ne Game he thinks he's pl8ying!
TAVROS: Vrissy,,,, i don't think that's fair,
TAVROS: Uncle john isn't to blame for this,,,
HARRY: yeah, no shit tav.
HARRY: this whole situation is because of YOUR insane hitlermom.
TAVROS: Ok, now,,,
TAVROS: That was uncalled for,,,
VRISSY: Yeah Harry, not cool.
HARRY: oh what, so you're gonna just pretend that his mom *isn't* a literal dictator?
HARRY: he doesn't need you to stick up for him, vrissy! he's fucking loaded!
VRISSY: Harry, all of our families are O8scenely Wealthy.
VRISSY: We're standing in your mom's 8outique living room! You can't exactly pl8y a Privilege Card here!
VRISSY: And Tavros, you don't have to Defend Mister Eg8ert just 8ecause you feel weird a8out him trying to kidnap you that one time.
VRISSY: If 8nything, you should 8e on My Side here!
VRISSY: John's clearly got a Tr8ck Record of doing 8nything for a moment of excitement without thinking of the Consequences.
VRISKA: (Grr........)
VRISSY: And Look wh8t h8ppened!
VRISSY: Remember what he did on Harry's 8irthday that one time?
TAVROS: (I told you that,,, in strictest confidence,,,)
VRISSY: Tavros, he could h8ve Killed you!
VRISSY: Why Else do you think you're such a Wimpy, Traumatized 8a8y?
TAVROS: Ok, that,,, isn't the reason for that,,,
TAVROS: And,
VRISKA: (Grrrrrrrr........)
TAVROS: I feel like your implied, "concern", for my childhood wellbeing,
TAVROS: Is less sincere,,, than it is,,, an attempt to weaponize something difficult for me,
TAVROS: In order that you can win an argument,,, with harry anderson,,,,,
VRISKA: GRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: WILL YOU ALL JUST
VRISKA: SHUT!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: UP!!!!!!!!
TAVROS: :O
HARRY: :O
VRISSY: :O
VRISKA: I feel like I'm going fucking insane.
VRISKA: Is it weepy wiggler tantrum hour, or are the three of you always this pathetic????????
VRISKA: No8ody answer that, it was 8ulge-achingly rhetorical.
VRISKA: Just keep quiet for a moment while I insult you some more.
VRISKA: Vrissy, you're cool and all, 8ut I'm getting tired of this teen nonsense.
VRISKA: John's "advice" totally 8lows, 8ut at least he understands what needs to 8e done.
VRISKA: Don't insult my friends. Only I get to do that.
VRISKA: Tavros, stop 8eing such a wimp.
VRISKA: No8ody has time for this pansy clownery!
VRISKA: Do you remem8er what happened to the last clown I had to deal with?
TAVROS: (Gulp,,,)
VRISKA: Yeah, I thought so.
VRISKA: And Harry, listen.
VRISKA: Neither you nor your friends have anything really important going on.
VRISKA: Your lives and your planet are a total 8ore!
VRISKA: 8ut somehow John loves you anyway.
VRISKA: Try and be fucking gr8ful for that every once in a while.
VRISKA: Not everyone is so lucky.
VRISKA: Anyway, forget his advice. John wasn't counting on you to get us out of this.
VRISKA: He was counting on me!
VRISKA: So from now on, everyone just follow my lead and do what I say.
VRISKA: And if that doesn't sound like a good enough deal to you, then...
VRISKA: Just,
VRISKA: Stay out of my way.
HARRY: ...
VRISSY: ...
TAVROS: ,,,
VRISKA: Alright! I'm glad you can at least recognize when a grown-up is talking.
VRISKA: Harry. Go to your room.
HARRY: um... what?
HARRY: no??
HARRY: you're not my mom.
VRISKA: And no8ody is more gr8ful for that fact than me!
VRISKA: You need to arm yourself, stupid.
VRISKA: None of you even have a way to fight!
HARRY: oh.
VRISKA: Here. Take this.
HARRY: what is it?
VRISKA: It's your stupid face is what it is!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: Hahahaha, just kidding. It's a spare strife speci8us.
VRISKA: You wanna prove you'd make it on Alternia?
VRISKA: Take this and go gra8 a weapon.
VRISKA: Meet us 8ack here in a min8.
HARRY: a... what?
VRISKA: A MINUTE, GOD!!!!!!!!
HARRY: alright alright, i'm going.
-- thespiansGlamor [TG] began pestering adamantGriftress [AG] --
TG: alright, i'm back in my room.
TG: there's just one small problem.
TG: i don't think i own any weapons?
TG: there's the prop swords in my closet...
TG: but they're all made of foam and plastic.
TG: argh, this is so hard.
AG: Hey Dum8ass, why are you messaging me from your 8edroom.
AG: We are Literally in the Same House.
AG: We were just in the Same 8RGUMENT.
TG: yes, i know, i know.
TG: um.
TG: sorry about that.
TG: the argument, i mean...
AG: It's Wh8tever.
TG: i didn't mean to get so mad at you and tavros.
TG: well maybe i did mean to get mad at tavros.
TG: but i still feel bad about it.
TG: everything's just been so stressful today.
AG: Harry, I said It's Wh8tever!!!!!!!!
TG: ok.
TG: but...
TG: i need your help here.
TG: i only have a minute, and i can't think of ANYTHING to assign to the strife specibus.
TG: can't you ask vriska if she has any ideas?
AG: No.
AG: I'm not going to 8other her with such a Pointless Question.
AG: And 8esides, I think she's 8usy right now.
AG: She's sort of huddled in a corner, muttering to herself.
TG: huh.
TG: maybe she's nervous?
TG: either that or...
AG: I don't think she's nervous.
AG: 8ut it reminds me how You get sometimes when you're Practicing your Lines over and over.
TG: huh.
TG: ok.
TG: weird.
AG: Time's Ticking, Harry.
TG: fuck.
TG: i'm still all out of ideas.
AG: Ugh, Come On. There's 8ound to 8e Something up there.
AG: Anything can 8e a weapon if you know how to use it.
TG: that's easy for you to say.
TG: on account of all the ACTUAL WEAPONS you have in your room.
AG: Look Harry.
AG: Just 8ecause I Happen to own a lot of Incredi8ly Deadly Armaments, doesn't mean I couldn't improvise if Necessary.
AG: It's part of what m8kes Me 8adass enough to 8e a mem8er of the Rebellion!
TG: blah blah blah.
AG: Anyway.
AG: You've got a 8unch of Sewing Stuff in your room, right?
TG: yeah.
TG: feel free to skip the part where you make fun of me for it.
AG: No, Dongface, I wasn't Going to!
TG: oh.
TG: then i don't understand.
AG: You need a weapon, remember?
TG: OHHHHHHHHH.
AG: /ROLLx8
TG: ok, there's a bunch of sharp things here.
AG: Pity You aren't one of them! Lol.
TG: oh har har.
AG: So, Wh8t are we Working with?
TG: it's mostly just pins and needles.
TG: i doubt they'll be much good.
AG: Are you Kidding????????
AG: Needles are awesome!
AG: They're wh8t my Mom uses.
AG: She could pro8a8ly skin you Alive with a pair if she w8nted.
TG: well, i don't doubt that.
TG: but maybe not this type of needle.
AG: Come on, you Know you want to.
TG: no, that would be so dumb!
TG: these things are way too small.
TG: i'd be the world's worst acupuncturist or something.
TG: i think i'll just go with this pair of scissors instead.
AG: 8oooooooo.
You CAPTCHALOGUE your trusty pair of SEWING SCISSORS. You've brought many a colorful character to life with these babies. You're pretty sure you could bring just as many to death with them as well.
TG: ok, there we go.
AG: I Knew All Along That You Had It In You.
TG: so i guess this means...
TG: i've allocated the strife specibus with the scissorkind abstratus?
TG: hm.
TG: using this weird vocab and stuff feels... well, weird.
TG: i'm not sure why, but it seems as though everything that's about to happen is that much more important now.
TG: or maybe it already was, but i just didn't understand just how important until this moment.
TG: sometimes maybe all you need to bring a feeling home to you is some nonsense sounding words that possibly don't mean anything.
TG: this is what we learn in the theatre.
AG: Sounds f8ke as Shit to me.
TG: well, yeah.
TG: sigh.
TG: i think...
TG: it's just a sense, but,
TG: i have a feeling it's going to be...
TG: ...
AG: ?????????
TG: bluh, nevermind. lost my train of thought.
AG: Okay, well it Can't have 8een that import8nt.
AG: 8ut either way, we don't have any more Time for this.
AG: Hurry 8ack downstairs.
AG: Vriska's w8ing.
HARRY: ok, i think i'm as ready as i'm ever going to be.
HARRY: which isn't really saying very much.
HARRY: how about you guys.
VRISSY: Well, in simple terms, We're Fucked.
VRISSY: We still don't have a way out, and more and more Reporters are showing up every second.
VRISSY: And the moment we step outside, we're Targets for the Crocker Cops.
TAVROS: We must evade them at all costs,,,
TAVROS: They are,,, with some certainty,,, under orders to capture vrissy,,, and,,, also me,
TAVROS: And,,, i'm not sure whose punishment is likely to be worse,,,
HARRY: how are you holding up, tavros?
TAVROS: M, me,,,?
TAVROS: I'm,,,
TAVROS: I'm quite well,,, harry anderson,,, thank you for asking,,,
HARRY: ok...
TAVROS: However,,, i must admit,,, the thought of our impending pursuit,,, and potential capture,,, makes my blood run cold,,,
HARRY: yeah. the more i think about it, the more nervous i feel.
HARRY: i've had stage fright before, but this is ridiculous!
HARRY: haha...
HARRY: ...
TAVROS: ,,,
HARRY: ...
HARRY: look, tavros.
HARRY: in case we don't make it out of this,
HARRY: i just wanted to say,
HARRY: that
HARRY: i'm so--
VRISKA: Alright, are we done here?
HARRY: um.
VRISKA: Forget it.
VRISKA: I've been stuck in this room for what feels like a month and I'm at my fucking limit.
VRISKA: I'm outta here.
TAVROS: B, But,,,
HARRY: you can't just-
VRISSY: Vriska, we're Tr8pped!
VRISSY: How are we supposed to Le8ve?!
VRISKA: You guys are free to do whatever you want, 8ut I'm just going to use the front door.
VRISSY: *Excuse Me*????????
VRISKA: L8r 8itches.
HARRY: oh my god?
TAVROS: T, There she goes,,,
VRISSY: Vriska!
VRISSY: W8!
VRISSY: I'm coming too!!!!!!!!
HARRY: oh fucking christ.
REPORTER 1: ...join live from a neighbourhood in the Carapacian Kingdom, where the perpetrators have finally decided to show their faces...
REPORTER 2: ...are alleged to have killed the beloved salvational figure Gamzee Makara, may his boots jingle forever in paradise...
TAVROS: (T, this is awful,,,)
REPORTER 3: ...denounced by government sources as a band of violent rebellion extremists...
REPORTER 1: ...children of creators, themselves rebellion leaders...
REPORTER 2: ...outfits could at best be described as only moderately fashionable...
HARRY: (oh god oh god oh god)
REPORTER 3: ... Hey, excuse me?
REPORTER 3: Miss Terrorist?
REPORTER 3: Care to give a statement?
VRISSY: (No, don't....)
VRISKA: Thought you'd never ask, 8uddy.
VRISKA: You want a st8tment? Got one right here.
VRISKA: (Ahem.)
VRISKA: Hey!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: Hi, humans!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: What’s up!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: Get all your fucking news gru8s turned up to the max 8ecause I’m only going to say this once.
VRISKA: Do you want to know who I am?
VRISKA: My name is VRISKA SERKET, and I'm the cre8tor this world never knew it had.
VRISKA: I left my home behind and put a stop to the demon who 8urned two universes for fuel, all so that this plan8 could come into existence.
VRISKA: Without me, none of you would even 8e here.
VRISKA: Capiche????????
VRISKA: Now, you may have heard people saying a lot of things a8out us.
VRISKA: They want you to 8elieve that we are violent terrorists, who want to destroy your religion and your very way of life on this planet you call home!
VRISKA: So I just wanted to take a moment to clarify the situation.
VRISKA: *deep breath*
VRISKA: YOU FUCKING 8ET WE ARE!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: I've done and seen things that would make every single one of you piss yourselves dead, so I've seen enough to know that this planet is a FUCKING DISGRACE!
VRISKA: It's a joke!
VRISKA: AND NOT EVEN A VERY GOOD ONE!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: This planet is a sad little joke of a world squatting inside of the 8IGGEST, LAMEST JOKE in the HISTORY of EXIST8NCE!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha...
VRISKA: Haaaaaaaa.
VRISKA: ........
VRISKA: You know...
VRISKA: I 8et no8ody here even knew who I was.
VRISKA: Everything I did, I did for you.
VRISKA: You didn't need some idiot clown to redeem you.
VRISKA: Everything you needed was already here!
VRISKA: 8ecause I fucking 8UILT IT FOR YOU!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: And after all that, you couldn't even have the decency to 8e 8oring and nice to each other.
VRISKA: So guess what.
VRISKA: The carnival is over!
VRISKA: I killed that harlequin son of a 8itch, and I hope he 8urns in clown hell forever.
VRISKA: 8ut for the crime of falling for his disgusting lies?
VRISKA: Your society... no, your whole planet... it deserves to 8urn str8 to MEGAhell, and I'm gonna 8e the one to fly it there!
VRISKA: I'm gonna shatter your paradise into pieces with my 8are hands and SHIT IN ITS GRAVE!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: HOW'S THAT FOR A FUCKING ST8MENT!
VRISKA: YOU GOT ALL THAT, JANE CROCKER?
VRISKA: DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT'S COMING FOR YOU????????
VRISKA: YOU'VE MESSED WITH
VRISKA: ********VRISKA********
VRISKA: ****FUUUUUUUUCKING****
VRISKA: ********SERK8T********
VRISKA: AND SHE!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: HAS *HAD*!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: Enough.
A whole bunch of things start happening at once. Here are just a few of them:
In the blink of an eye, Vriska is airborne. She has evidently, and by her own admission, had enough. She reaches out with incredible speed and grabs the microphone that was brandished at her a moment before. In one smooth motion, she helicopters it around her head by the cord and sends it hurtling into the face of the witless journalist whose needling questions had been so, SO irrit8ting. He sprawls in the driveway, two rivulets of red starting to spring from his expertly broken nose.
From its hole in the wall of Roxy's house, the bullet that flew over Vriska's shoulder seethes with indignant rage—furious to have missed such an easy shot. It is swiftly joined there by half a dozen more: the Secret Police has begun to open fire with a vengeance, if not a great deal of accuracy.
Even before her first victim hits the deck, Vriska is already winding up a punch to the jaw of the next; she has wedged some of the signature octahedral dice between her fingers as a makeshift knuckleduster. There is a deliciously pointed crunching noise when her fist connects.
In his hiding place behind a moderately sized garden gnome, Tavros Crocker lets out a small rodential squeal, and puts his hands in front of his eyes.
Fearing gunfire, the few paparazzi who aren't currently getting their asses handed to them by the world's angriest traffic cone start to trip over each other, diving for cover. A small fortune's worth of very expensive recording equipment is dropped and promptly shattered on the ground in the ensuing scuffle. The instantaneous loss of such a large sum of money causes a substantial drop in the ambient air pressure and conjures up a stiff breeze.
Tucked inside of a small yet accommodating shrub, Harry Anderson worries that he might be forgetting how to breathe. He takes a series of gasps, in and out, just to be sure, and clutches his scissors very tight.
The stiff breeze comes in at a cheerful 5 on the Beaufort wind force scale—"Fresh".
Tavros wishes he had chosen a bigger gnome.
Bullets continue to fly stupidly wide, and Vriska tosses her dice into the air without even looking. In a single beat of her fairy wings she zips over to a nearby car, reaches underneath the front fender, and LIFTS. The fluorite octet tumble end over end, and the gunshots seem for a moment to coalesce into the sound of a thunderous roulette. Vriska is now holding the car end-on above her head, its burglar alarm wailing in protest. In a dance-like motion she spins in space once, twice, before loosing the vehicle skyward like an olympian might a hammer.
The press are fleeing for their lives, their professionalism and trashed equipment abandoned. As one of the snotty-faced and terrified reporters attempts to hide in his shrub, Harry gives her a cautious jab in the leg with his scissors. Then, he curls into a shaky ball and tries to remember the advice John gave him. "Don't panic..."
The dice land. A booming, wordless voice pronounces:
CANONS DE 8 GRIBEAUVAL.
The car approaches the apex of its trajectory, and as it slows it appears to hang in the air, in a manner quite uncharacteristic of motor vehicles yet to be fitted with hover technology. It winks coyly in the afternoon sun.
Far away, in her lair, Jane Crocker grabs the two sides of her computer monitor with enough strength to snap it in two. She can't believe what she's watching. Behind her, from a shadowy corner of the room, there is an agitated growling noise and the rattle of chains.
The ground begins to shake, as a battery of naval cannons materialize in flashes of cerulean light and drop into formation behind Vriska. She cracks her knuckles one-by-one with each impact. The vibrations cause Tavros' gnome to fall over.
The enfilade is halted without recording a single hit. The Secret Police, perched strategically in trees and behind mailboxes, are now doing a synchronized slowly-take-off-your-badass-shades-and-gawk-at-the-sky type routine.
The car seems to regard the laws of gravity as mere suggestion.
"Don't make a scene..."
Vriska Serket laughs.
The guns roar.
********
To all of this and more, Vrissy is blissfully ignorant. She doesn't register the tearful and snivelling faces of the hapless journos as they beat a hasty retreat; nor the bruised and bloody faces of the ones writhing about on the ground, their purpling eyes and gasping mouths giving them the look of particularly wronged fish. In the mayhem, she doesn't notice Harry, or Tavros, or even the toppled gnome; all these details and more sail above her head like a home run over an especially stubby shortstop.
The only thing that registers to Vrissy Maryam-Lalonde in this moment is a pair of brilliant orange eyes, framed by azure tinted lashes and cut under with a sharp smirk. The sounds of gun- and cannonfire soak half-heartedly into her auricular sponge clots. The world beneath her is shockingly still. And all the while those eyes seem to burn something deep into her, leaving pitch-black scorch marks in parts of her psyche she didn't even know existed.
In all her life, Vrissy has never seen anyone look so cool. And it drives her nuts.
As the blossoming fireball above wilts into an angry, smoky cloud, and flaming bits of ex-car begin to absolutely pelt it down all around her, she feels someone grab her wrist. It's Harry Anderson, wearing a expression of animal panic. His mouth moves to form words she can't hear, but the message gets across all the same. It's time to get the fuck out of here.
The Crockerite fuzz has more pressing things to worry about than giving chase: the good fortune keeping the kids safe from the deadly automotive volley does not seem to be contagious. So they flee. Through the suburbs and into the spindly checkered streets of the central Carapacian Kingdom, the four of them tear their way towards the belltower in the distance. Vriska flies out in front—a polestar the color of carrot. Immediately behind her is Tavros, whose many years of morning jogs (with his father) and emotional torment (his mother) have given him a frankly stupid degree of endurance, though you wouldn't think it to look at him. His glasses are beginning to slip, and bounce on his slickening nose with every stride. A short way behind him is Vrissy, who is hanging back a little: Harry, still clutching her arm, is starting to lag. He has his eyes squeezed shut as he runs, and Vrissy thinks she can hear him muttering something to himself over and over between staggered breaths: "Don't get caught," GASP, "Don't get caught," GASP. Vrissy turns away as a mixture of pity and embarrassment threatens to join the worsening stitch in her side.
Nobody gives chase. No one shouts "stop those kids!" in a commanding voice, or implores some poor taxi driver to step on it. But they dare not slow. Tavros feels as though some dark and sinister shape is lurking just out of sight—it reminds him of the nights at home when he would sprint through tall, imposing trophy rooms and mirror-walled hallways, racing for the miserable safety of his bedroom's glow after turning the kitchen light off. What he wouldn't give to be back there now. With their old lives quite exploded, he's unsure whether they're running out of the danger or into it; the brightness radiating off of Vriska has all the safety and comfort of a supernova.
Vrissy, meanwhile, is considering growing her hair out.
After a stomach-churning amount of frantic hightailing, the kids turn a corner and an esophageal road vomits them—finally!—out into the central plaza. Compared to the cramped city streets, this wide open space feels agoraphobic, exposed. The belltower thrusts itself into the clear sky from the other side, all gnomonic and pointy, and its lengthening shadow beckons them to safety. Between, in the center of the large and perfect square, is the familiar Dirk Strider memorial statue, standing stoic and still. Surrounding his plinth is a circular fountain, and around the circumference dozens of knee-high cherubic figures piss angelically inward. His affect is unreadable. Is it apathy? Boredom? Contemplation? As the kids hurry past, the shimmering particles shaken from Vriska's wings dance in the polished bronze of his shades, and for a moment his reflective face is suffused with an aura of conspiracy. Nobody pays him the slightest bit of attention.
The four stop a while at the tower's base, chests heaving for air. Nobody says anything, they just sort of stand there and ache in each other's company for a bit. Vriska alights on the ground, rakes her throat, quietly spits out a little wad of blue, and wipes her mouth unceremoniously. Tavros pats Harry Anderson tentatively on the arm. Vrissy tries to be badass and cough up something too but she doesn't really make it work. Harry simply rests his hands on his knees, doubled over and shaking his head. Tavros looks at Vrissy over Harry's arched back and puffs out his cheeks with wide eyes. She gives him a tired half-smile in return. Vriska quietly massages a crick in her neck and rolls first one shoulder, then the other.
It's unclear who cracks first, but someone does, and in an instant all of them are dissolving into a bout of relieved giggles. It starts off as a light, bubbly kind of mirth, before the sheer enormity of what they've just done sets in, and they progress to full on belly laughing; the adrenaline in their blood turns to helium and begins to fizz, and all at once they feel lighter than air. They survived. They're fugitives. Tavros has to take his glasses off to wipe his eyes. Vrissy laughs so hard she thinks she might be sick. Harry Anderson has to go and be actually sick, which doesn't so much kill the mood as vaguely envelop it in the smell of puke. He has a wobbly grin on his face as he wipes the spittle from his chin though. Vriska shakes her head, getting rid of her smirk like a wet dog would its water, then puts her hands on her hips and huffs loudly up at the tower.
VRISKA: Well, I'm not hauling all three of you up there.
She walks over to the little oak door set into the bottom of the campanile. Before she can grab the handle, Tavros pipes up.
TAVROS: Ah,,, we won't be able to get in that way,,,
He starts to recount how, ever since the Incident, the little oak door to the helical staircase which runs from the bottom of the tower to the belfry has been securely locked—to prevent copycats, he speculates. Vriska gets bored halfway through the explanation though, tries the latch anyway, and is the only one who isn't surprised when the door swings politely open. Everything's coming up Serket. She bows theatrically, gesturing for the others to make their way inside, and then leaps into the air with a beat of her wings.
VRISKA: Last one to the top is a clownfucker!
They run like the wind.
JOHN: you made it!
JOHN: i knew you had it in you.
HARRY: aw, thanks d-
VRISKA: Of course we made it, John.
VRISKA: It was a walk in the park!
VRISKA: I had some of my 8est moves planned out, gave them the speech of a fucking lifetime, and then they all just ran away without even TRYING to fight 8ack properly!
VRISKA: Frankly, I'm a little insulted 8y just how easy it was.
VRISKA: 8ut you must have known it would 8e a piece of gru8cake.
VRISKA: After all, we had me there.
JOHN: haha, oh vriska.
JOHN: it's nice that you're basically the same exact person you always have been.
VRISKA: You're welcome.
JOHN: honestly i'm still a little bewildered by your being here?
JOHN: but guess i'm happy to see you anyway.
JOHN: especially in a context that doesn't involve any amount of kissing a clOUCH!
VRISKA: (Not right now, you fuckhead!!!!!!!!)
JOHN: (oh, crap.)
JOHN: (sorry.)
JOHN: um, anyway.
JOHN: thanks for helping out, i guess?
JOHN: i can take it from here though.
VRISKA: 8e my guest!
JOHN: okay.
VRISKA: ::::)
JOHN: ...
JOHN: um... if you don't mind, vriska?
VRISKA: Hm?
JOHN: i'd like to talk to my son please.
VRISKA: Oh!
VRISKA: Right.
VRISKA: Sure.
VRISKA: Don't let me get in your way!
VRISKA: I'll just 8e over here, 8asking in the knowledge of a jo8 well done and plotting acts of violence.
JOHN: haha, thanks.
VRISKA: (Mutter) (mutter) limping to a respecta8le distance (mutter) (mutter) right this second (mutter) (mutter).
VRISKA: (Mum8le) (mum8le) h8 to 8leed all over your touching reunion (mum8le) (mum8le).
JOHN: sorry about that harry anderson.
JOHN: where were we.
JOHN: oh, right, your escape!
JOHN: i guess i already said, but i knew you had it in you.
HARRY: yeah, i guess so...
JOHN: i realize that it was a lot to handle though.
HARRY: you can say that again.
JOHN: it wasn't until after i hung up that i even remembered that i never gave you that strife specibus for your 16th birthday!
HARRY: oh, it's ok... vriska had a spare.
HARRY: i put my sewing scissors on it.
HARRY: it was all i really had at the time.
JOHN: haha, that sounds familiar.
JOHN: i kind of stumbled ass backwards into getting stuck with my first hammer. but after a while, i couldn't imagine having picked anything else.
JOHN: i'm sure you'll do some amazing things with it. you already did, in fact!
JOHN: i'm sure jane is feeling really butt hurt about things this very minute.
JOHN: the prankster's gambit is tipped back in our favor, that's for sure.
HARRY: haha, yeah...
HARRY: if it's alright dad,
HARRY: i don't... really wanna talk about it all that much right now?
HARRY: you're right, it was kind of a lot to go through.
JOHN: that's okay!
JOHN: we don't have to talk about that if you don't want.
JOHN: honestly, who cares about strife specibi or the pranksters gambit or whatever.
JOHN: that's not what's important.
JOHN: i'm just glad to know that you're safe.
HARRY: ...
HARRY: dad?
JOHN: yes son.
HARRY: can i ask you a question?
JOHN: anything son.
HARRY: ok, cool.
HARRY: so...
HARRY: how come you're wearing that... thing?
JOHN: thing?
HARRY: you know.
HARRY: the windsock.
HARRY: i thought it was busy getting eaten by moths in a museum or something.
HARRY: please don't tell me you broke in there just to get it back.
JOHN: oh!
JOHN: oh haha, the god tier outfit.
JOHN: don't worry, i can just sort of manifest this whenever i want.
JOHN: although now that you mention it, the guys at the museum will probably be wondering where it went.
JOHN: or... maybe it's still there? to be honest, i have no idea whether this is the same outfit.
JOHN: i don't think it follows the same laws of physics and stuff that normal clothing does?
JOHN: they are just your basic magic pajamas at the end of the day.
HARRY: and it didn't occur to you to, y'know, magic them any bigger?
HARRY: you just look like, well, a grown adult wearing clothes for a kid.
HARRY: it's kind of embarrassing to look at...
JOHN: blargh, you're right.
JOHN: i admit, i didn't give it a whole lot of thought.
JOHN: it just felt like the right thing to put on at the time.
HARRY: i'm pretty sure no such time has ever existed.
JOHN: i don't BELIEVE this.
JOHN: what have i EVER done to deserv both of you in the same place at once!
JOHN: oh man...
JOHN: now that i think about it...
HARRY: (dad...)
JOHN: this feels like the perfect conditions for some identical twin type shenanigans.
JOHN: like in the parent trap or something!
JOHN: i'm not sure how either of you would feel about being played by lindsay lohan though.
HARRY: (oh my goddddddd kill me now)
JOHN: but anyway, vrissy.
JOHN: your moms called me a while ago. they sounded very worried that you weren't answering your phone.
VRISSY: O8viously.
VRISSY: I was 8usy!
JOHN: well, anyway, they're on their way here. jade is coming too.
JOHN: they should arrive any minute.
VRISSY: Oh you're kidding.
TAVROS: (H, here they come now,,,)
TAVROS: (I can see them,,, over there,,,)
VRISSY: Uuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh.
JOHN: hey guys!
JOHN: ahhh, rose it's so good to see you.
JOHN: even though i guess we saw each other not even a day ago, haha.
ROSE: Yes. Hello again, John.
ROSE: It's good to see you too.
JOHN: oh wow, that has to be the smallest number of words you've ever greeted me with!
JOHN: and jade! it's um... been too long?
JOHN: i'm glad you're here.
JADE: hi john
JADE: um... me too?
JOHN: i knew you were involved with the troll rebellion as well, but i didn't think you'd turn up looking quite so cool, haha.
JOHN: i think the camo really suits you!
JADE: ...
JOHN: ...
ROSE: ...
JOHN: ...jade?
JOHN: is everything okay?
JOHN: you seem a little out of it.
JADE: oh!
JADE: oh haha
JADE: im fine john!!
JADE: everything is fine!!!
JADE: its just
JADE: um
JADE: (rose... a little help here?)
ROSE: I... think what Jade is trying to say is that... uh,
ROSE: To stay within your chosen topic of outfits for the moment,
ROSE: The two of us are currently experiencing a sudden bout of speechlessness that is not entirely unrelated to the present state of yours.
ROSE: Which is to say:
ROSE: The pajamas.
JOHN: ah.
ROSE: I've heard of "sun's out, tum's out", but this is a little extreme.
ROSE: Anyone would think you didn't know that there's a war on.
ROSE: Not to be rude, of course.
JOHN: no, it's alright rose.
JOHN: i've already heard the same thing from harry anderson.
JOHN: in fact, if anyone else would like to criticize the clothes, now's your chance!
JOHN: please feel free to form an orderly queue right here.
JOHN: kanaya, i'm sure you've got something to say about it, right?
JOHN: ...
JOHN: kanaya?
KANAYA: Do Not Mind Me John
KANAYA: I Am Simply Making Quite Sure That My Daughter Over Here Is Alright And Not Causing Any More Trouble Than I Am Certain She Already Has
VRISSY: (Hissssssss)
KANAYA: And Not The Good Kind Of Trouble Which Involves Acts Of Misbehavior Towards Figures And Structures Of Immense Corruption Or Maleficence
KANAYA: Such As The Kind Of Trouble We Are In Presently And Will Continue To Be In While Our Cause Remains True
KANAYA: Meanwhile I Trust My Wife Whom I Love Utterly To Make Known To You Everything That Is Happening At The Present Moment
KANAYA: Without Tactical Omission
KANAYA: In A Manner That Is Comprehensive
KANAYA: And Unexpurgated
JOHN: haha?
ROSE: ...
JOHN: um, alright then!
JOHN: so...
JOHN: what's up rose?
ROSE: That does seem to be the question, doesn't it.
ROSE: The situation is... difficult to describe.
JOHN: aw, i'm sure it's not all that bad.
JOHN: i mean, sure, i guess we are in a bit of a complicated mess.
JOHN: especially ever since vriska showed up, killed gamzee, and declared herself and the rest of us terrorists or something?
VRISKA: (You're welcome.)
JOHN: but it's nothing we shouldn't be able to think our way out of, now that we're all together!
JOHN: right?
JADE: john
JADE: theres something i need to tell you
JADE: theres something i need to tell you
JADE: theres no point in hiding it any more
Jade's words, spoken in a nothing more than a dramatic whisper, nevertheless seem to echo in John's ears. Her face is somehow in shadow despite the sunny day, and John swears there's even a unexpected chill in the air. He feels a nervous prickling sensation crawl its way up his spine.
The windmills in John's brain slowly start to creak into motion. It must be something big. Something really big. Something so big that his sister would come all the way here to tell him in person, abandoning her scouting mission in the middle of an armed conflict to do so. As well as her husband, John realizes with a start, as Dave's curious absence finally brings itself to his attention. Hot on the heels of that realization is another, and another, and then another. Jade's mouth moves without a sound now: the wind that only exists in John's head is drowning out everything she's saying, as it whips itself up into a gale and his mind races frantically towards a conclusion. All at once he reaches the eye of the storm, and then, from somewhere out of a half-remembered dream, comes the sensation of falling. A burning golden city. A girl's screaming.
There is only one thing that Jade Harley has ever valued so highly above everything else, even her own life.
Family.
JOHN: jade...
JOHN: are you pregnant?
Jade finally looks up at him. Her face is wide-eyed and... angry?
JADE: what?!
JADE: no!!
JADE: no john im not fucking PREGNANT!!!
JOHN: oh.
JADE: putting aside the fact that thats completely impossible for a whole bunch of different reasons, why would you even SAY that?
JADE: werent you listening to what i was saying??
JOHN: i was
JOHN: um
JADE: ARGH, now i have to start all over again!!!!!
JADE: john... i have a daughter
JADE: shes almost harry andersons age
JOHN: ...
JOHN: ...
JOHN: you have a daughter.
JADE: yes
JOHN: you've had a daughter.
JADE: yes john!!
JOHN: i...
JOHN: wow.
JOHN: i'm... a little shocked about this?
JOHN: i mean...
JOHN: ...
JOHN: you have a daughter?!
JADE: yes john!!!
JADE: i have!!! a daughter!!!
JADE: i have a daughter john!!!
JADE: in fact i have had a daughter for quite a while!!!
JOHN: i'm sorry, i'm struggling to process this a little bit.
JOHN: if she's nearly harry anderson's age, then that means you've had a daughter for... what...
JOHN: i guess that must be about fifteen years?
JADE: yep!!!
JOHN: wow.
JOHN: i'm not sure how to feel about this j
JADE: JOHN I HAVE HAD A DAUGHTER FOR FIFTEEN YEARS AND I DIDNT TELL YOU ABOUT IT I AM
JADE: SO
JADE: VERY
JADE: ***SORRY***
JADE: IF THAT HURT YOUR OH SO PRECIOUS FEELINGS!!!!!
It is deathly quiet.
JADE: YOU of all people dont get to judge me, okay????
JADE: everyone was getting married and having babies at the time and i just
JADE: i wanted that for myself so badly
JADE: you have NO idea what it was like, living on that fucking island with my dead grandfather, waiting for forever for you to finally wake up, and then
JADE: and then i went through all of that NONSENSE all over again on the ship through the yard
JADE: and THEN when it was over i thought MAYBE i could have something like a normal life
JADE: but then you just vanished on everyone for years!!!
JADE: everyone was busy building the lives wed all been working for
JADE: rose and kanaya, roxy and callie, jake and...
JADE: and dave and karkat were
JADE: they were
JADE: *sniffle*
JADE: look, i knew, ok?
JADE: i knew that on some level they just didnt want me there!
JADE: i knew the plans they had for each other even when they didnt!!!
JADE: and it was clear that i didnt fit into those plans
JADE: but they just wouldnt ADMIT it!!
JADE: i tried SO hard to get them to see what they wanted but it just didnt work
JADE: and then karkat left and
JADE: *snuffle*
JADE: and i couldnt just leave dave by himself after what happened to dirk
JADE: so i stayed
JADE: i tried to be the good person and stay
JADE: but then he
JADE: *snuffle*
JADE: he
JADE: *sob*
ROSE: Jade, it's alright. I can take it from here.
Jade leans soggily into Rose's shoulder.
JOHN: jade, i'm...
JOHN: *sniffle*
JOHN: i'm sorry, i-
ROSE: John, if you start crying as well we shall never get anywhere.
JOHN: r-right. sorry.
JOHN: um... so...
JOHN: i'm sorry, i got a bit lost in all of that.
JOHN: could we rewind a little?
ROSE: I think that might be for the best, narratively speaking. We got a touch sidetracked.
She gives Jade a gentle pat on the back as she says this.
ROSE: So, to rewind.
ROSE: Jade wanted a child of her own, but while she was with Dave and Karkat the three of them were unable to conceive one due to a number of reasons.
ROSE: They looked into adoption, but...
ROSE: Well, let's just say that if the administration was getting uncomfortable about an adoption between a troll and a human, they were starting to be outright obstructionist when it came to one between a troll and two.
ROSE: Having exhausted all other options for producing or fostering a child between the three of them, Jade had to look elsewhere.
JOHN: you mean...
JOHN: find a surrogate or something?
ROSE: Correct.
ROSE: It was at this point that Jade came to me.
ROSE: I could understand her pain quite acutely, and so...
ROSE: I agreed to carry a child on her behalf.
KANAYA: .
ROSE: ... Without telling Kanaya.
There is another heavy silence. Vrissy is stunned, all eight pupils staring at her mother in shock. Harry and Tavros are trying to find somewhere to look that isn't straight at Rose. Vriska meanwhile is sporting a grin as wide as a bus, and looks like she wants to give someone a high-five.
Jade is a picture of misery. Kanaya doesn't seem to be surprised, or angry, or even disappointed. She just folds her arms, expectantly. John is discovering that he can't decide what to do with his hands. He feels impossibly embarrassed.
ROSE: I'm... not sure why I made that decision.
ROSE: I regret not telling Kanaya, of course.
ROSE: But I can't say that I regret going through with it.
ROSE: At the time, it didn't feel as though the deception was even all that prolonged. The whole affair was... short.
ROSE: Purely physical, and nothing more.
Kanaya finally moves to stand next to her wife. She places a softly glowing hand on the shoulder that hasn't been generously watered by Jade.
KANAYA: Rose And I Have Already Discussed This In Private Before Coming Here And I Have Therefore Already Said Everything That I Would Like To Say On The Matter
KANAYA: And Vis A Vis The Matter I Think Thats Really All That There Is To Say
KANAYA: I Wanted To Be Able To Tell Vrissy This In Person However
KANAYA: Moreover For Her Benefit And For That Of Everyone Else I Feel In My Capacity As A Mother And Leader I Should Make It Clear
KANAYA: This Is Not Something That Will Undermine Roses And My Relationship
KANAYA: Neither As Comrades
KANAYA: Or As A Couple
KANAYA: I Am Upset At Being Lied To And For No Other Reason
KANAYA: And In Particular I Would Like To Make It Understood That I Do Not And Never Will See Jade As Having Jeopardized Our Marriage Through The Simple Crime Of Wanting To Be A Mother
KANAYA: If Anyone In This World Understands The Lengths To Which A Person Will Go To Achieve Such An End
KANAYA: Then That Person Is Me
As she says this, Kanaya looks at Vrissy, and it's a look all filled to bursting with two universes' and countless lifetimes' worth of love and maternal devotion. To all observers, Vrissy is either on the verge of bursting into tears, or gagging. It really could go either way.
JOHN: so, just to get this straight in my head.
JOHN: um... rose, if you're the mother...
JOHN: then since obviously neither dave or karkat is the father...
JOHN: ...
JOHN: who is it?
Rose's expression has the patience and tranquility of a mountain. Jade's is made of knives.
ROSE: John, there isn't a father.
ROSE: Jade and I are the sole parents of this child.
JOHN: oh.
JOHN: ...
JOHN: OH.
JOHN: oh i'm so sorry, i didn't th-
ROSE: That's quite alright John, although you might like to direct that apology more towards your sister.
ROSE: All I will say is that if you would like to take up the particulars with us,
ROSE: Some *other* time,
(Here Rose looks pointedly at the various teens dotted about the belfry, all of whom are remarkably interested in the local architecture all of a sudden.)
ROSE: Then I'm sure Jade and I can walk you through some basic concepts.
JOHN: i uh
JOHN: no, it's
JOHN: i'm
JOHN: ...
ROSE: About to change the subject?
JOHN: haha.
JOHN: ok.
JOHN: so... how did you hide the pregnancy?
ROSE: Oh, that was simple.
ROSE: Jade's genes being, as they are, part canine, the gestation period was substantially reduced.
ROSE: I carried the baby to term in just under two months.
ROSE: Since she was unfamiliar with human pregnancy at the time, I assume Kanaya simply thought I was looking a little more... substantial than usual, and didn't think it polite to comment.
KANAYA: In Defense Of My Observational Skills I Feel Like I Should Point Out That You Had Recently Recovered Miraculously From A Debilitating And Potentially Fatal Illness
KANAYA: A State In Which You Were Exceptionally Malnourished To Say The Least
ROSE: Well, quite.
ROSE: Anyway, with the messy part finished, all that was left was the trifling matter of Jade and I raising the child together in secret for fifteen years.
ROSE: A task that we performed flawlessly until a few short moments ago, when she became the political prisoner of a certain Jane Crocker.
JOHN: oh my god.
JOHN: that...
JOHN: no offense jade, but,
JOHN: that BITCH!!
JADE: *sniffle* hehe...
ROSE: So this, finally, is the predicament that we are presently faced with.
ROSE: Jane has taken Yiffy hostage in retaliation for our supposed kidnapping of her son, and the murder of her former favorite clown.
ROSE: The fact that only one of these things actually happened, and that the rebellion is responsible for neither of them, will not matter to her in the slightest.
ROSE: The woman means murder.
JOHN: christ.
JOHN: ok.
JOHN: i think i understand everything so f
VRISSY: WAIT!!!!!!!!
VRISSY: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME
VRISSY: NOT ONLY DO I H8VE A SISTER
VRISSY: 8UT YOU NAMED
VRISSY: YOUR ****SECRET CHILD****
VRISSY: ********YIFFY********????????
Vriska quietly settles on herself as a high-five partner. With geological slowness, Rose turns to face her one reasonably-named daughter, a tinge of embarrassment coloring her face for the first time this afternoon.
ROSE: Well... no.
ROSE: We didn't call her Yiffy.
ROSE: That would be a quite ridiculous thing with which to burden a child.
ROSE: Her full name is Yiffany Longstocking Lalonde Harley.
Vrissy looks as though she is about to shit the belltower they are standing in, brick by brick.
ROSE: It was, in hindsight, a monumentally terrible decision acting as the final chapter in a long series of novels, each one full of progressively more terrible decisions than the last.
ROSE: But that is the name that we decided upon.
ROSE: You have to understand... this whole situation ended up playing out a bit like an ironic game of chicken between the two of us.
ROSE: Something that far outstripped anything that the Strider fraternity could have produced in their wildest, most jpegged creative wet dreams.
ROSE: But in the end that triumph of irony came back to bite us in the fucking ass, as irony is wont to do.
ROSE: There was absolutely no possibility of us casually letting you all know that, by the way, we had had a secret daughter named Yiffany Longstocking.
ROSE: At least, not right away.
ROSE: But carapacian change-of-name paperwork is so complex and circuitous that, eventually, keeping quiet forever just seemed like the more reasonable option.
ROSE: So...
ROSE: Here we are.
Everyone lapses into a third meaningful silence, one which has an air of finality about it, as they collectively contemplate the here that they are.
They have plans to make. Even now, Yiffy is likely being held at spoonpoint, subject to the mercies of a power-crazed tyrant in pagliaccial mourning. The war for the planet is only just getting started, and the worst is likely still to come. And yet... when Rose slowly wipes a single tear from her eye and leans to touch foreheads with Kanaya, John suspects that the whole thing might just have brought them all closer together.
Beside him, Harry Anderson stifles a sleepy yawn. The day which once threatened never to end is now fading from the world. As the sky above starts to purple, the heaviness of the events hanging over them dissolves in the warmth of the evening sun, and a refreshing current of air seems to blow the last traces of it away like the merest dust.
It's only later that night, in the mess hall on-board the rebellion ship, that John absent-mindedly turns to Jade and asks:
JOHN: so where's dave?