CHAPTER 4. The Contest

Light-years away...

DIRK: Are you finished posing dramatically out there?

DIRK: I think Terezi wants a turn.

Rose:

> Rose: Enter.

ROSEBOT: She's more than welcome. I've had my fill.

DIRK: Feels good, doesn't it.

DIRK: Now get over here, we’ve got business to discuss.

Rose:

> Rose: Render yourself more symbolically this instant.

DIRK: Terezi, you too.

TEREZI: NO TH4NKS 1M GOOD

TEREZI: 1N F4CT, NOW TH4T W3R3 H3R3, 1 C4NT 1M4G1N3 4NYTH1NG WORS3 TH4N S1TT1NG DOWN W1TH YOU TWO FOR 4NOTH3R L1TTL3 CH4T

TEREZI: YOUV3 RU1N3D TH3 V3RY CONC3PT OF T4LK1NG FOR TH3 R3ST OF MY L1F3

ROSEBOT: Oh come on, it wasn't really all that bad, was it?

ROSEBOT: Dirk may be completely insufferable,

DIRK: (Thanks.)

ROSEBOT: But we had some pretty good times over the course of the journey, didn't we?

TEREZI: 1M STRUGGL1NG TO TH1NK OF 4NY

ROSEBOT: Oh, how you wound me.

TEREZI: 3 Y34RS OF 4N1M3 PLOT 4N4LYS1S 1S 3NOUGH TO TURN 4NY R3L4T1ONSH1P SOUR

ROSEBOT: Alright, that's fair. The anime was rather tedious.

DIRK: (Wow.)

ROSEBOT: But I posit that it could have been much, much worse.

ROSEBOT: At the very least, none of us succumbed to substance abuse. Or re-succumbed, I guess I should say.

ROSEBOT: The perks of not having an appetite or a liver, in my case.

ROSEBOT: In yours... I'm actually not sure. Perhaps the underlying cognitive dissonance or trauma you were originally trying to distract yourself from is no longer a going concern?

ROSEBOT: Or...

ROSEBOT: No, wait.

ROSEBOT: That's not right.

ROSEBOT: I'm thinking of a different Terezi.

ROSEBOT: Or maybe I'm thinking of a different me?

ROSEBOT: Maybe the different me is thinking of a different Terezi, and I'm just witnessing the thought happen as a bystander.

ROSEBOT: It's much the same thing at this point.

ROSEBOT: ...

ROSEBOT: And I suppose I'm also prematurely ruling out the potential of anime functioning as an abusable substance.

ROSEBOT: In which case I've got very bad news for all of us.

ROSEBOT: We may need to formulate a twelve step plan.

ROSEBOT: Let me know if you show any signs of withdrawal.

TEREZI: ROS3

TEREZI: OH MY GOD

TEREZI: MY PO1NT COULDNT H4V3 B33N M4D3 4NY MOR3 OBV1OUS 1F YOU S4T ON 1T

TEREZI: W3 M4Y B3 1N COMPL3T3 4GR33M3NT 4BOUT D1RK B31NG 4 T3D1OUS NOOKW1P3,

DIRK: (We are?)

ROSEBOT: (Shhh.)

TEREZI: BUT, N3WSFL4SH

TEREZI: YOU 4R3NT 4CTU4LLY 4NY B3TT3R!!!!!!!! >8O

TEREZI: SL33P W1THOUT SOPOR DO3SNT COM3 34SY TO MY SP3C13S, 4ND Y3T 1 SOM3HOW M4N4G3D TO SP3ND 4 GOOD CHUNK OF OUR THR33 Y34R JOURN3Y UNCONSC1OUS

TEREZI: TH4TS HOW FUCK1NG T3D1OUS TH3 TWO OF YOU 4R3

TEREZI: 4ND TH3 WORST P4RT 1S TH4T N31TH3R OF YOU 4CTU4LLY H4V3 TH3 D3C3NCY TO DO 4NYTH1NG L3G1T1M4T3LY 4WFUL

TEREZI: YOU JUST S1T TH3R3 4ND DRON3 ON 4ND ON, T4LK1NG 4BOUT TH1NGS TH4T DONT M4TT3R 4ND 4SK1NG QU3ST1ONS TH4T DONT H4V3 4NSW3RS

TEREZI: W3R3 ON 4 N3W PL4N3T, S331NG TH1NGS WH1CH H4V3 POSS1BLY N3V3R B33N 3XP3R13NC3D B3FOR3, 4ND 4LL YOU C4N TH1NK TO DO 1S HOL3 UP 1N 4 C4V3 4ND R3GURG1T4T3 COMPL3T3LY PO1NTL3SS BULLSH1T

ROSEBOT: It's called "philosophizing".

TEREZI: W3LL 1T SHOULD B3 1LL3G4L 4S F4R 4S 1M CONC3RN3D

TEREZI: ...

TEREZI: 4RGH

ROSEBOT: Hm?

TEREZI: STOP *C4LL1NG* H3R TH4T!! >:[

DIRK: ...

ROSE: ...

TEREZI: OK 1M DON3

TEREZI: SCR3W YOU BOTH

TEREZI: 1M GO1NG TO GO 4ND 1NTRODUC3 SOM3 PL4NTS TO TH3 TROLL 3MOT1ON W3 C4LL3D T3RROR

DIRK: Well,

DIRK: If you change your mind about the philosophy,

TEREZI: 1 WONT

DIRK: Ok.

ROSE: That was... odd.

ROSE: Even by Terezi's standards.

DIRK: She’s fine.

ROSE: Doubtless. But wouldn't it be best to wait for her to return before discussing our future plans?

ROSE: Whether she likes it or not, she is a part of this goofy expedition.

DIRK: She isn’t a part of this, though.

ROSE: A part of "this"?

DIRK: This.

ROSE: You mean she isn’t a god.

DIRK: She isn’t a ruler.

DIRK: She isn’t suited for it.

ROSE: And we are?

DIRK: Come on. You know that we are.

DIRK: But I think I can present a pretty convincing case if need be.

ROSE: So you wanted to have a dialectic about it first, just to be sure.

ROSE: I'm game.

ROSE: Where shall our allegory begin?

DIRK: Beg pardon.

ROSE: Oh come on. The cave?

ROSE: I have to say I’m a little disappointed in you. Three years, and not once did I witness you replacing any parts of the ship.

ROSE: How are we to jerk ourselves off philosophically if you don’t lean into your clumsy allusions?

DIRK: It's a fair question.

DIRK: But since the name you suggested was nothing more than a very juvenile play on words, I can’t say you’ve got much ground to stand on.

ROSE: What’s juvenile about The Kant?

DIRK: Nothing.

DIRK: At least, not when you say it.

ROSE: It’s not my fault you sound like a gay cowboy.

DIRK: Sigh.

See what I have to deal with?

And yes, I’m still here. For the time being I want to keep things brief, narratively speaking.

DIRK: Look, we can have this argument later.

ROSE: I’ll pencil it in.

DIRK: For now, we need to talk about Deltritus.

ROSE: I'd like to suggest a preliminary topic of discussion.

DIRK: Shoot.

ROSE: Or rather, a point of constructive criticism.

ROSE: That name.

DIRK: Yes.

ROSE: It absolutely blows.

DIRK: Ok.

DIRK: In the interest of open-minded discourse I'd like to counter by saying that I think it's pretty dope.

DIRK: But it's fine, we don't gotta settle for that.

DIRK: Do you have any better suggestions?

ROSE: No.

ROSE: I'm simply making an observation.

DIRK: Sigh.

DIRK: You could at least come up with an alternative.

DIRK: Making shit is hard.

DIRK: I think having a good name for this planet is an important first step in telling its story.

DIRK: Which is what we're here to do.

ROSE: I agree. Names are potent symbols after all.

ROSE: I just think we have a different understanding of what a good name entails in this instance.

DIRK: Huh.

ROSE: To be clear, I think it's the perfect name for this place.

ROSE: It's just that when it comes to habitable planets, I think there is some unwritten law of our reality which dictates that the names should be either boring...

DIRK: Like "Earth"?

ROSE: ...or insufferable.

DIRK: Like "Alternia" or "Beforus".

ROSE: ...

DIRK: Or "Deltritus", alright, I get it.

ROSE: Insufferably boring gets you bonus points.

ROSE: I think that's partly the point of it. It's a name to be lived on. It becomes a kind of furniture, so to speak.

ROSE: Or I suppose you could see it as a place of origin, the absolute zero-point of growth. Kind of like a family name.

ROSE: A name some people are always trying to leave behind, because it's the only way to be sure that one is moving at all.

ROSE: It's the dirt beneath your feet.

ROSE: So I suppose, in a way, every planet is Earth.

DIRK: ...

DIRK: Right.

DIRK: We're not going to call this planet Earth as well, though.

ROSE: No, that would be far too cliche. Quadruply so, even.

ROSE: Deltritus it is.

DIRK: It's amazing how you managed to both shit on my idea and make it seem a lot better justified in hindsight.

ROSE: Well, of course.

ROSE: I'm an author.

ROSE: I ply my trade on well-justified bullshit.

ROSE: Anyway, to business. Again.

DIRK: Yeah.

DIRK: The point is, we will be building intelligent life on this planet from scratch. That was one of our key mistakes with Earth C. We should have started our guidance from the very beginning, instead of letting it grow organically in our image.

ROSE: I’m not sure I agree, but go on.

DIRK: No please, knock yourself out. We stayed on topic for a few seconds and I'd hate to make it a habit.

ROSE: Our own world was abandoned by its gods. Or, I suppose, its gods never reached it.

ROSE: The trolls beat their game, but were unable to actually claim their reward and take their places in its pantheon. In a sense, our creators abandoned us.

ROSE: And while I can’t say that our world developed “well”, I don’t think it would have been better off being “guided”. Especially considering who would have been doing the steering.

ROSE: Although I guess you can’t prove that kind of negative statement.

ROSE: Anyway, what exactly are you proposing?

DIRK: Ever heard of the Watchmaker analogy?

ROSE: Yes.

DIRK: Damn, ok.

DIRK: Humor me anyway.

DIRK: Say you’re an alien and you’re walking on a beach.

DIRK: An Earth beach, if that wasn’t clear. You’re an alien who has never come in contact with the human race before.

DIRK: So say you’re an alien and you find a pocket watch on the beach.

DIRK: You've never seen anything like it before, so you pick it up and open it and try to figure out how it works.

DIRK: You see all of the gears moving smoothly, all of the pieces fitting together in a flawless, interlocking pattern.

DIRK: Looking at the face, you realize that it keeps perfect time.

DIRK: You, the alien, ask yourself: how could something so perfect, with a flawless form suited to its task, have come into being?

DIRK: And, so the argument goes...

ROSE: Someone created it. Time needed to be told, so a craftsman made something to tell it.

DIRK: Exactly.

ROSE: This analogy always struck me as extremely contrived.

DIRK: Yeah that's fair. I mean, how many fuckin' pocket watches does one usually stumble across on the ground randomly.

DIRK: Fuck it, who stumbles across a pocket watch *anywhere*.

DIRK: This isn't the goddamn 1800s.

DIRK: That point in history when people were famously tripping over errant clockwork every time they went outside.

ROSE: And don't forget, there are aliens in this version of history too.

DIRK: Yeah.

DIRK: I think I might have made up that part, though. Probably wasn't part of the original.

DIRK: Although, considering the version of Earth's history I was familiar with, I guess the aliens end up being the most believable thing in the whole setup.

ROSE: I suppose, in a way, this argument's own existence fulfils the same philosophical premise as the analogy itself.

ROSE: It's a scenario perfectly suited to its function, which is to convince you of the existence of intelligent design.

ROSE: One that is so unlikely to have arisen by chance that the presence of an artificer is the natural conclusion.

ROSE: It's this weird spiral of a concept, really.

ROSE: It's creators all the way down.

DIRK: Haha, yeah.

ROSE: But I guess my response here would be that this is an argument in favor of intelligent design being a factor in the creation of a universe.

ROSE: It's not an argument that intelligent design should be a factor in the creation of a universe. That's a question of (*shudder*) morality.

DIRK: True.

DIRK: But if intelligent design is a reality--and I think our experiences indicate that yeah, there’s a pretty good chance--then wouldn’t failing to continue it be an abdication of our responsibility?

DIRK: If we can order this world and we fail to, is that really any better than smashing the watch ourselves?

DIRK: You don’t want to be responsible for screwing it up, and I get that. But failing to act isn’t any more morally justifiable than acting wrongly.

ROSE: So it's really a moral argument that you're making.

ROSE: It sounds like we've detoured into the Trolley problem here.

ROSE: Or maybe derailed is a more appropriate descriptor?

ROSE: I hope nobody is tied to the tracks of this conversation, at least.

DIRK: Rose.

DIRK: You're avoiding the question.

DIRK: You came to this planet. You saw it in your mind's eye and chose to come here.

More or less.

DIRK: Wasn't that because, on some level, you wanted to have a hand in its future?

ROSE: Maybe.

ROSE: At least, I think so?

ROSE: It's a bit hard to weigh my motivations for coming against the reality of what we're proposing to do here.

ROSE: In the sense that I'm not sure quite how to even go about making that kind of calculation.

ROSE: I want to create something wholly new. Something that's ours.

ROSE: But I can't help but wonder: what right do the two of us specifically have to do that?

DIRK: We won the game though.

DIRK: We're literally fucking Creators.

DIRK: We have as much of a right as anyone possibly could.

ROSE: I'm not sure I feel good about putting that victory on my resume.

ROSE: Especially not since so much luck was involved, while the conclusion was simultaneously determined from the very beginning.

ROSE: A paradox which is typical of the complete mess that is our lives, and which possibly makes no sense to anyone but us.

ROSE: I suppose that's the point I'm trying to make.

ROSE: We quite possibly know more about our reality than anyone else ever could, which you could say makes us plenty qualified.

ROSE: But it's that selfsame knowledge that tells me that maybe nobody could ever be "qualified" for this kind of creative endeavor.

She's avoiding the question again. It's amazing how one can technically have the maximum amount of metaphysical personal awareness possible, and still not notice these sorts of things. It's stuff like this that makes me wonder sometimes whether there's anything about myself that I'm missing. Then I throw that wonder in the garbage can and turn the incinerate setting on.

That was a little bit of ironic self-deprecation on my part. I know that recently I've made a habit of simply discarding things that are pointlessly difficult or irritating, or if you're so inclined, "uncomfortable". It's something I learned in order to cope with... well, never mind. It's better this way, and I'm not gonna air my "trauma" or whatever in front of all y'all. The point is that knowing about it doesn't mean that I don't do it, and nor would it necessarily make it easier for me to stop if I wanted to. Personal failings, if you can call this one, don't work that way. I would know.

I also know Rose is probably just the same. She sees it happening and can't stop it, and takes a strange pride in knowing herself so well. And at the same time, she feels hurt to be so utterly predictable to herself. But that's a pain that you have to lean into when presented with the sum total of all possible self-knowledge.

I suppose this actually kinda answers the question about ultimate self-awareness? Damn. Did we just identify and then immediately solve a mystery in the space of a few paragraphs? I think we mighta. Good work us.

ROSE: Even so, I want to do this.

ROSE: I have to want it.

ROSE: How could I not, after everything we gave up to make it happen?

ROSE: Walking away at this point would be...

ROSE: Well. Regardless, we don't have the option.

ROSE: The Theseus is totalled.

ROSE: I almost want to make a joke about us not getting it insured.

ROSE: Though I'm worried it might indicate what Dave would call early-onset responsible adult syndrome.

DIRK: It's easy for him to make fun of us. He's immune.

ROSE: Possibly. He certainly wasn't showing any symptoms at his last checkup.

ROSE: But that was well over three years ago at this point.

Rose looks off into space, seeming to exist at a very great distance for a while. And then, at a perfectly calculated moment, she chuckles quietly, almost mournfully to herself.

ROSE: I'm rambling again.

Told you so.

DIRK: It's ok.

DIRK: I'm sure there was some good reasoning buried fuck deep in there somewhere.

ROSE: Future archaeologists will unearth it eventually.

DIRK: It sounds like you've made up your mind though.

ROSE: Maybe.

ROSE: I'm...

She hesitates again. "Not sure?" Oh c'mon, Rose. Yes, you are. You know this is what you want to do. More than that, you know that it’s the *right* thing to do. Might as well get it over with.

ROSE: Fine.

Excellent.

What? Don't look at me like that. She was already on board with it in all but name, and we both know it. So why waste our time. You’ve got better things to do, and as of right now, so do Rose and I. I cordially invite you all to fuck off with your judgemental attitude, by which I mean fuck off right back here because we've still got important exposition to deal with.

ROSE: You mentioned playing a game together.

ROSE: I take it that this is involved somehow.

DIRK: Bingo.

ROSE: And I take it you have a format of play in mind as well?

DIRK: Yup.

DIRK: So, I guess the basic premise is: yeah, we could establish a new civilization on Deltritus. Cook up a new freakish alien species and steer them towards playing the game at a distance using the command terminal.

DIRK: It would certainly be a challenging application of our combined skills.

DIRK: But it doesn't strike me as being all that fun by itself.

ROSE: For clarity’s sake, the second “game” you're referring to here is the game that we played ten years ago?

ROSE: Sburb. Or Sgrub, I guess. Whatever it’ll be called this time around.

DIRK: Yeah. That's the Game. Gotta be careful with those capitals.

DIRK: The game between the two of us is going to be different.

DIRK: I propose that we turn this into a contest of sorts.

DIRK: Each of us takes responsibility for creating our own, separate species, each with their own design, society and culture.

DIRK: Then we pit them against one another to see which will ultimately play the Game.

ROSE: For the love of god, please let’s call it something else.

ROSE: If only for the sanity-fraying memories of memes long past.

DIRK: That's our culture you're talking about.

DIRK: Have some goddamn respect.

ROSE: Actually, it was my culture. I think it's more accurate to say that you appropriated it, 400 years later.

DIRK: You're right, I'm sorry.

DIRK: Meme-a culpa.

ROSE: I regret everything.

DIRK: Bullshit aside, that's the contest I'd like to propose.

DIRK: Two gods, two species, one copy of the Game.

DIRK: We have a lot of time to kill before it's ready to play. Might as well have some fun in the meantime.

ROSE: I’m intrigued.

DIRK: That's good. Intrigued is good.

ROSE: I have a few questions before we begin.

ROSE: First and most pressing: how do you propose we go about doing this? What are our raw materials?

ROSE: Unless you’re planning on giving me a rib, I’m not sure what we are going to work from.

DIRK: That's fair enough. There doesn't appear to be anything in the way of animal life on this planet for us to use.

DIRK: But that's not important. We've got all the raw material we need already.

DIRK: Quite literally, in fact.

DIRK: We're going to make the new species out of us.

ROSE: ...

ROSE: I... see.

DIRK: Don't worry, it doesn't imply actually breaking ourselves down into usable matter or anything like that.

DIRK: What I mean is that we have two humans' worth of genetic material to start from.

DIRK: And, more importantly, the technology to use that material to synthesize something new.

ROSE: So ectobiology, then.

DIRK: That's part of it, yeah.

DIRK: Let's take this into the lab.

ROSE: The lab.

DIRK: Yeah.

DIRK: ...

DIRK: It's just another fucking cave, ok?

Dirk and Rose:

> Dirk and Rose: Proceed to lab.

ROSE: This cave has a lab-like ambiance, I’ll give it that. And I’ve seen a few labs in my time.

DIRK: Sweet. It's got the Lalonde witticism of approval.

DIRK: No honor could be higher.

ROSE: I’m sure I could have come up with something better if I wasn’t still internally reeling at the prospect of us becoming our own biblical progenitors.

DIRK: Yeah.

DIRK: The old bearded man in the sky *wishes* he had one of these babies though.

ROSE: All he had was heterosexuality and a very long con.

ROSE: Although I guess they're both essentially the same thing.

DIRK: Oh shit.

ROSE: There's something so delicious about the two of us being the ones to populate an entire planet from scratch.

ROSE: The irony doesn't get much sweeter.

DIRK: How quickly you learn, my child.

DIRK: I am so proud of you.

DIRK: Anyway, that horseshit aside,

DIRK: It turns out that basically all of the equipment that Sburb gave us can be integrated into one device, with the ability to perform both alchemical and ectobiological functions.

DIRK: The idea is pretty simple. We each contribute our own genetic sequences in the form of paradox slime, and then use it as a base to graft new material onto, using alchemy.

ROSE: Hm.

ROSE: Doesn't that strike you as a little...

DIRK: What.

ROSE: You know.

ROSE: Incestuous slurry-adjacent.

DIRK: Oh.

DIRK: That shouldn't be an issue.

DIRK: We're each going to be keeping our slime to ourselves.

ROSE: How courteous.

DIRK: In any case, after the base material is collected and the alchemical mix is finalized, we rapidly accelerate the development of the synthesized life forms to a point at which they can form a society of sorts.

ROSE: So in theory, what the Mayor and his associates did on Earth C, but just larger in scope.

ROSE: Instead of staying within the framework of a species that already exists.

DIRK: And here, we won't be waiting thousands of years for the development to happen in real time.

DIRK: This plays to our advantage in more ways than one. For one thing, it's pretty clear that we aren't gonna get this right on the first try.

DIRK: I've been conceiving of this as a long game of many individual moves.

DIRK: Each of us building and advancing in response to the concepts thrown out by the other.

DIRK: Think of it as collaborative worldbuilding.

ROSE: All those DnD nights on the meteor finally turn to my advantage.

ROSE: Ok, I think I understand the premise well enough.

ROSE: Why don’t you start things off.

ROSE: Roll the first die.

DIRK: Alright, sweet.

DIRK: First thing's first, getting ahold of myself.

DIRK: There's about fifteen different unfunny jokes we could make about that but let's just fucking chill for once in our goddamn lives.

ROSE: Agreed.

ROSE: And I’ll make no mention of you sucking yourself in any capacity.

DIRK: God shitting damn it.

DIRK: Next step is adding mutations.

DIRK: We can use any old shit for this. Literally any captchalogueable object can be added into the mix by inserting its card into one of the slots here.

DIRK: And by using a combination of ANDs, ORs and so on, we can apply the science of alchemy to that of ectobiology. Alchemical biology, if you will.

DIRK: In the original process of breeding the Genesis Frog, we'd be doing kind of the opposite. Screening out distortions in his divine genetic waveform, so to speak.

DIRK: Here, we're adding noise deliberately.

DIRK: Kind of like genetic SBaHJification.

DIRK: Inside of this machine is one big artificial genetic infidelity bonanza.

ROSE: Dave would approve.

ROSE: Hm?

DIRK: Sup.

ROSE: I thought you had to punch the cards to use them in the shunt slots.

ROSE: I recall devising a sequence of analogies for the process in my walkthrough, once upon a time.

ROSE: Hardly my best work, but the principles were sound.

DIRK: No, you're right.

ROSE: I was being politely self-effacing, Dirk. You didn't have to agree with me.

DIRK: About the holes in the cards, I mean.

DIRK: I'm not really sure why we don't have to do that any more.

DIRK: I think this machine... punches the cards with the correct pattern once you put them in?

DIRK: Although the implication is that it somehow reads what is on the card, in order to punch it with the holes which enable it to read that same information.

ROSE: That sounds like an appropriate degree of profound ridiculousness.

ROSE: I love it.

DIRK: Yeah.

DIRK: I'm a bit surprised you remember anything about this shit.

DIRK: Even though we can't technically forget anything any more.

ROSE: Me too.

ROSE: It's amazing what pieces of inconsequential information your mind can recall at a moment's notice, a whole decade after they were last relevant or interesting to anyone.

ROSE: ...

ROSE: I think I missed this.