CHAPTER 9. How Goes The Eulogizing, Dear? (Preceding Canon)

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JANE: (Where is he?)

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JANE: (It's a question I've found myself asking many times in recent days.)

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JANE: (Where now is our merry savior?)

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JANE: (Where is the horn that was honking?)

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JANE: (Where is the cape and the codpiece, and the...)

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JANE: (The...)

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JANE: (Oh, fiddlesticks.)

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JANE: (Okay, poetry is out.)

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JANE: (What else?)

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JANE: (Hrm...)

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JANE: (I've always been pretty good at crying on cue.)

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JANE: (Could I try staging an emotional breakdown?)

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JANE: (That could work; playing to people's humanity.)

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JANE: (Or whatever is the more inclusive term.)

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JANE: (It could work.)

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JANE: (One really good and calculated weep could do it, I think.)

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JANE: (But then there's the danger that I might get carried away and do it for real.)

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JANE: (And I can't risk that.)

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JANE: (No... no, I'll have to stick to an ordinary eulogy.)

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JANE: (As ordinary as it can be, under the circumstances.)

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JANE: (Alright, let's see.)

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JANE: (What can I say about him that will stir up their emotions?)

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JANE: (Do I mention the stuff about the milk?)

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JANE: (Think Crocker, think.)

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JAKE: Ahoy over there!

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JAKE: Er... how goes the eulogizing, dear?

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JANE: In a word: awfully.

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JAKE: Ah.

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JANE: It turns out that it's mighty difficult to find touching things to say about a person, the relationship with whom was predicated on deep-seated mutual loathing.

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JANE: I imagine this is one of the reasons no funerary tradition was ever established on Alternia, besides the barbarism of their culture.

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DIRK: Jesus christ.

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JANE: Not only did a significant proportion of their interpersonality depend on romance in the form of hatred, but it was a society based on cruelty and violence.

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JANE: What reason could they have had to provide for the dead?

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JANE: What kind of last rites could they have even imagined?

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JAKE: Um...

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JAKE: Could i have that once more, sans the raci--

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JAKE: I mean,

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JAKE: In laymans terms?

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JANE: Sigh.

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JANE: Jake,

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JANE: I can't think of anything good to write about him because deep down, I hated his guts.

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JANE: But he was and is beloved of the multitude, so I have to think of something regardless.

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JAKE: Im not sure i understand.

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JANE: Don't worry your pretty little head about it.

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JANE: This is politics, Jakey.

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JANE: Lying through your two front teeth about people you hate is about as good a definition as it's possible to get.

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JANE: But, by gum, is it tiring work.

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JANE: Work to which I need to return this instant.

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JANE: The funeral is tomorrow, after all.

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JAKE: Right you are.

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JAKE: ...

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JAKE: I um... brought you some coffee?

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JAKE: Ill just... put it down... here...

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JAKE: ...

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DIRK: Dude, the bowl.

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JAKE: Hm?

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JAKE: Oh, right.

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JANE: What is it now, Jake.

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JAKE: I brought something for our guest as well.

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JANE: You mean the prisoner.

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JAKE: Y...es.

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JANE: Well, go on then.

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JANE: She's over in the corner.

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JANE: Don't worry, she won't bite.

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JANE: I've seen to that already.

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JAKE: Here you are.

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JAKE: Its only mac and cheese, sorry.

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JAKE: Its all I know how to make, haha.

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JAKE: ...

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JAKE: I um... hope you can safely partake of cheese?

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JAKE: ...

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JAKE: Well,

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JAKE: Bon appetit.

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DIRK: Bon appetit.

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DIRK: Seriously dude?

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JAKE: (What? Did i pronounce it wrong?)

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DIRK: Jake.

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DIRK: You put the food in a fucking dog bowl.

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JAKE: (It was all there was, ok???)

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JAKE: (I feel awful enough as it is without you getting on my case about it.)

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DIRK: All I'm saying is that this is full-blown, bona fide evil minion behavior you're getting up to.

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JAKE: (Well whose confounded idea was it for me to come back in the first place, brain ghost dirk?)

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JAKE: (So far ive yet to see anything come of that brilliant plan of yours.)

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JAKE: (Are you sure sending that message to the others was enough?)

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DIRK: Patience, Jake.

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DIRK: Rome didn't fall in a day.

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DIRK: Besides, are we really going to hash this out now, in front of dear, sweet Yiffany?

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JAKE: (No, i guess youre right.)

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JANE: What are you mumbling about over there?

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JAKE: Ah, nothing dearest!

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DIRK: "Dearest."

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JAKE: (Oh shut up!!!)

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JANE: If you're finished, I'd appreciate being left to my work.

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JAKE: ... Of course, dearest.

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JAKE: Good night.

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JANE: ...

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JANE: !!!

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JANE: I hope you're not expecting dessert, young lady.

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YIFFY: GRRRRRRRRR...

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JANE: Oh no you don't.

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YIFFY: GRRR *BZZT* RRRR *BZZT* AAAA *BZZT* AAAA *BZZT* AAAA *BZZT* AAAA *BZZT* AAWW *BZZT* OOOO *BZZT* OOOO *BZZT* OOOO *BZZT* OOOO *BZZT* OOOO *BZZT* OOOO *BZZT*

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JANE: Are you done?

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YIFFY: ...

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JANE: That's more like it.

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JANE: You've been a thorn in my side ever since I agreed to enroll you at the academy, little madam.

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JANE: Back then, I was doing a favor for two old friends who made a disgusting mistake.

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JANE: I'm no longer going to play nice with you just because of your parents, however.

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JANE: That truce is over.

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JANE: Do I make myself understood?

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YIFFY: ...

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JANE: Hmph.

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JANE: Out cold.

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JANE: Maybe I should reduce the voltage a trifle.

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JANE: We don't want you passing out during the ceremony, do we?

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JANE: Now, be a good hostage and get some rest, Yiffany dear.

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JANE: We've got a big day tomorrow.

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JANE: Night night.

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JANE: Hoo hoo.

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-- thespiansGlamor [TG] began pestering adamantGriftress [AG] --

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TG: hey.

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TG: are you awake?

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TG: ...

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TG: this rebellion bunk is killing my back.

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TG: ...

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TG: well, i guess it is pretty late.

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TG: gnight.

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-- thespiansGlamor [TG] is now an idle chum! --

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AG: I'm aw8ke.

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AG: I was just Talking to Tav for a 8it.

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TG: oh, is goody two shoes awake too?

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TG: i thought he was pretty quiet down there.

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TG: we'll make a rebel of him yet!

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AG: Lol.

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AG: I think it's more that he can't sleep.

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AG: I know how he feels.

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TG: yeah.

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TG: today was a lot.

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AG: ...

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TG: do you wanna talk about it?

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AG: Ugh, not you as well.

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TG: huh?

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AG: That was all Tavvy could think to say.

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AG: Here, I'll copy and p8ste it word for word.

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AG: GG: Do you,,, want to talk about it,,,?

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TG: nooooooooooo.

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TG: this is the hardest i've ever been owned in my life, probably.

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AG: Hahaha.

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TG: but seriously, do you?

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AG: Not really.

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TG: not even about... you know?

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TG: her?

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AG: No.

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TG: ... are you sure?

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AG: A8solutely.

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AG: What are you, my moirail?

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AG: Just leave it, Harry.

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TG: ok.

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-- adamantGriftress [AG] began pestering glutinousGymnast [GG] --

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AG: Hey.

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GG: Vrissy,,, its the middle of the night,,,

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AG: Oh, quit whining.

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AG: It's not like I woke you up, right?

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GG: Well,,, no,,,

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GG: But thats beside the point,,,

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GG: Weve got a big day tomorrow,,,

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GG: And today was,,,

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GG: A bit of an ordeal,,, to say the least,,,

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AG: Yeah.

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AG: You can say Th8t again.

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GG: Do you,,, want to talk about it,,,?

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GG: ,,,

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GG: Hello,,,?

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AG: I was just t8lking to Harry for a moment. Chill.

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GG: Oh,,, okay,,,

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GG: I didnt know he was still up,,,

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GG: Its been awfully quiet on the top bunk,,,

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AG: You two are Sharing, right?

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AG: I 8et that's weird.

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GG: Hah,,, it is a little,,,

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GG: I havent ever shared a bedroom before,,,

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GG: Not even for a slumber party,,,

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AG: Tavvy, you are just a8out the saddest person I've ever met.

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AG: So anyway, what's keeping You up, nerd?

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AG: Things worked out Pretty Well for you tod8y, huh.

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TG: well, i dunno about that.

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AG: Oh Come On, I saw how happy you were when your dad mentioned spending some Time Together.

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AG: It was...

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TG: ...

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TG: was...?

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AG: Ugh.

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AG: It was Cute, 8lright????????

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AG: Or, at the very least, a 8*cketload less vomit worthy than everything else that Went Down with our parents.

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TG: dude, no.

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TG: nothing about my dad is cute.

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TG: what are you even saying.

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AG: Lmao.

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TG: seriously!

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TG: i think he has something against that word, even. he gets super weird about it.

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AG: He's a strange and funny m8n.

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TG: yeah.

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TG: ...

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TG: i think something bad must have happened.

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AG: I just don't understand why they didn't TELL anyone a8out it!

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GG: Uh huh,,,

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AG: I mean, it's ins8ne!

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AG: It doesn't m8ke even the slightest 8it of fucking sense.

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AG: They just went 8ehind everyone's backs and had a secret child, and NO8ODY knew about it?

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AG: Except for the fucking 8atterwitch, apparently????????

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GG: ,,,

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AG: And the worst part was they didn't even fight a8out it!

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AG: That made me madder than 8nything else.

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AG: It felt like I was the only person who even W8S mad!

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GG: I dont think thats true,,,

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AG: What would you know a8out it?!

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GG: Maybe nothing,,,

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GG: Sorry,,,

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GG: Its just,,,

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GG: To me,,, all the way through the conversation,,, aunt kanaya looked even angrier than you,,,

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AG: ...

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AG: Adults are so fucking weird.

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TG: i saw the adults a little while ago when i snuck out to get some water.

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TG: dad was sitting in the cafeteria with aunt jade and your moms.

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TG: it looked like they were discussing something important... they were whispering and stuff.

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AG: That's nothing unusual.

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AG: It was probably Str8tegic 8usiness for tomorrow.

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TG: i thought that too, at first. but they were the only ones there.

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TG: and something didn't look right.

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TG: the mood was serious, yes, but...

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AG: What were they doing?

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TG: well, aunt rose and aunt jade were sitting either side of dad and the three of them were sort of huddled together.

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TG: they didn't notice me, they all had their backs turned.

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TG: aunt kanaya's was the only face i could see.

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TG: she was standing next to them, but she wasn't looking at what was going on.

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TG: almost like she couldn't bear to.

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AG: I doubt it. Kanaya's got a8out as much Emotivity as a very reclusive stone.

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TG: ok, i think that is bullshit but whatever.

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TG: she saw me standing there, but didn't say anything. she just shook her head slightly, and pointed back out into the hallway i came down.

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TG: so i just went straight back to bed. i forgot to get the water in the end.

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AG: Hm.

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TG: that's not the only strange thing, though.

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TG: i mean, have you seen uncle dave recently?

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AG: Th8t old loser?

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AG: No.

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TG: right.

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TG: doesn't that strike you as odd?

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AG: I guesadxcxzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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TG: vrissy?

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-- thespiansGlamor [TG] began pestering glutinousGymnast [GG] --

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TG: hey, tav.

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TG: are you still talking to vrissy down there?

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GG: No,,, im not,,,

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GG: I was until a short while ago,,,

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TG: oh, huh.

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GG: I think she might have succumbed to sleep quite suddenly,,,

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GG: It would explain the,,,,,, interesting messages I've been getting for a while,,,

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TG: hehe.

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TG: i guess that tracks.

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TG: she does that from time to time.

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GG: We should probably try and sleep too,,, harry anderson,,,

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TG: yeah.

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TG: ...

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TG: tav?

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GG: Yes,,, harry anderson,,,?

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TG: what does it feel like to know someone who's died?

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