CHAPTER 11. History's Most Notorious Haters

+ Knight: +

> Knight: Keep it real.

DAVEBOT: and thats reason four hundred nineteen why despite my mans many accomplishments i will never acknowledge big skateboardings contrived message that tony hawk is the quintessential skater of our generation

ARADIA: o_o

DAVEBOT: not in these trying times

DAVEBOT: beep boop

ARADIA: i have told you several times that i was a robot before and i know for a fact you dont have to say beep boop

DAVEBOT: hm that sounds fake does not compute

ARADIA: david

DAVEBOT: mom

The Knight and the Maid stare at each other briefly, having exchanged enough meaningful glances over their time together to know when to drop it.

ARADIA: i think we have exchanged enough meaningful glances over our time together to know when to drop this

DAVEBOT: what i enjoy about our conversations is that you just say things like that

ARADIA: oh is that what you enjoy

ARADIA: well we are both an infinite number of years old living countless lifetimes at once but thats no reason to waste any of our...

She knows how this will play out, having undoubtedly tried this joke on her friend in some timeline or another. Their rapport reflects a unique combination of their matching aspects but greatly differing classes. One a passive but powerful servant to time, the other wielding the aspect like a honed blade.

DAVEBOT: time

DAVEBOT: say time

ARADIA: ...

DAVEBOT: time then make a weird face

ARADIA: ........

DAVEBOT: waste time

DAVEBOT: time

ARADIA: .............

DAVEBOT: i experience all points of time simultaneously please just say time and make a weird face

This is true.

ARADIA: ..................

DAVEBOT: cmon megido youre killing me clocks ticking

ARADIA: ...

ARADIA: time o_o

The Maid casts a furtive glance around the empty crew quarters, as though to search for someone more sympathetic to her bit.

ARADIA: tough crowd

DAVEBOT: ok heres one

DAVEBOT: how old do you think you are

ARADIA: emotionally?

ARADIA: that is a pretty heavy topic

DAVEBOT: you know damn well thats not what i meant

ARADIA: you know I have been through a lot dave

DAVEBOT: ok

ARADIA: its just so kind of someone

DAVEBOT: ok i get it

ARADIA: to finally ask how i feel

ARADIA: i am beside myself with emotions

ARADIA: i want to open up

DAVEBOT: jesus christ

ARADIA: shall i open up about my past traumas to you

ARADIA: would you enjoy that

ARADIA: to think even a frog like me can work through their pain with a dear friend

ARADIA: you have truly blessed me on this day dave strider

DAVEBOT: i know you arent a frog anymore which is fucking tragic

DAVEBOT: can you imagine

DAVEBOT: the absolutely insane tomfoolery we could get into

DAVEBOT: just getting into some real frog based scenarios

DAVEBOT: times fun when youre having flies

ARADIA: yes that is how the saying goes

ARADIA: sorry to disappoint :o

DAVEBOT: im glad you finally said something

DAVEBOT: was thinking that apology might never come

DAVEBOT: practically giving me a complex how before now you never apologized to me that you arent a frog anymore

DAVEBOT: but apology accepted got the ribbits on lock

DAVEBOT: chronology respected got the tick got the tock

DAVEBOT: the clocks cuckoo im cocoa puffs the stuffs no mystery

DAVEBOT: serial scions of time psionic robot calibrate history

DAVEBOT: hoes mad hoes sad hoes a concept not a fact

DAVEBOT: lacking tact i stay stacked while i breach contract

DAVEBOT: sacred vows disavowed got divorce fever

DAVEBOT: i leave her

DAVEBOT: dont look back dont perceive her

ARADIA: do you want to talk about it :(

DAVEBOT: about what

ARADIA: would you say you are hung up on leaving your wife and friends behind

DAVEBOT: are you

ARADIA: am i hung up about leaving your wife and friends behind

ARADIA: i do not think that i am no

DAVEBOT: arent you even a little guilty about ditching your boyfriend

ARADIA: what

ARADIA: oh fuck

+ (==>) +

> (Months in the past, but not many...)

+ + [S] (Gaze.)
+ (View on homestuck2.com) + +

SOLLUX: h0w the fuck am i g0ing t0 get d0wn fr0m here.

+ ==> +

> Back to reality.

ARADIA: he is probably ok

DAVEBOT: so youre telling me you dont even feel a little bad that you ditched him to be a weird death acolyte

ARADIA: no i think he found my wiles both charming and irresistible

DAVEBOT: not even an ounce of guilt or self doubt huh

DAVEBOT: just like that

DAVEBOT: no conversations about the greater good

DAVEBOT: no revelations about your feelings

DAVEBOT: no dead presidents spouting wisdom about your brotherdad and bequeathing unto you an ancient soulbot

ARADIA: whats a president

DAVEBOT: see that doesnt work because i know you know what a president is

ARADIA: shit

ARADIA: do you often find your faith in yourself shaken like this or is it a new experience now that your mortal coil has been left behind

DAVEBOT: what

ARADIA: do you think now that all that is left of you is a literal ghost inside of a machine you are more or less likely to embrace finality

DAVEBOT: oh dope more cult of one shit

DAVEBOT: immortality changed you

ARADIA: could it be that you are projecting your feelings onto my situation

DAVEBOT: does not compute rose jr

ARADIA: ...

ARADIA: we dont have to talk about it

DAVEBOT: thanks

JADE: They sit in each other's presence, the silence between them as meaningful as any words they could exchange.

DAVEBOT: its always really cool to hear how meaningful my silences are

DAVEBOT: especially while

DAVEBOT: CALCULATING

DAVEBOT: especially while i am attempting to experience them

JADE: i do not need your approval. the story will continue how it must.

DAVEBOT: beep boop hater detected

ARADIA: wow is that true

JADE: i am not a hater.

DAVEBOT: classic hater line

DAVEBOT: i know this because i am pouring through genuine actual quadrabytes of information on historys most notorious haters

JADE: no, you aren’t.

DAVEBOT: huge if true

ARADIA: dave do you think i am a hater

DAVEBOT: you are the exact opposite of a hater

ARADIA: a liker

DAVEBOT: ok

DAVEBOT: perfect example your tolerance for whatever is going on with

DAVEBOT: all this

ARADIA: i think she looks quite lovely covered in the viscera of the all-powerful enemy she consumed

ARADIA: floating lifelessly in our periphery

ARADIA: observing our every action and noting its relevance :)

DAVEBOT: uh huh thats what i mean

DAVEBOT: can we scrounge up a change of clothes or something

DAVEBOT: maybe some sort of outfit montage

DAVEBOT: she comes out of the changing room in some sort of bozo outfit for clowns

DAVEBOT: we shake our heads disapprovingly

DAVEBOT: no no not this one

DAVEBOT: she goes back into the changing room we give each other one of those meaningful glances

ARADIA: what would she do without us

DAVEBOT: she emerges again this time looking fresh as hell

DAVEBOT: our judgemental ways have done it again

DAVEBOT: socially shamed into looking completely fucking dope

ARADIA: o_o

JADE: even though i understand that it must happen, i am growing frustrated with the direction of this conversation.

DAVEBOT: do you want to talk about something else stinky

JADE: what would you suggest?

The Knight takes pause, carefully considering the options. They have a long journey ahead together and an establishing an antagonistic relationship would prove-

DAVEBOT: ok hear me out

DAVEBOT: kanaya

DAVEBOT: but like

DAVEBOT: wearing huge jorts

+ ==> +

> Weeks in the future, relative to the original point of interest...

Moments like these are not rare, and serve a valuable function to the story. They are able to show a passage of time with the bulk of the emotional labor of a lengthy bonding process happening off screen. How did we get here? What have they been through? These questions are often better left open to individual interpretation and can give the one interpreting a sense of ownership of the story.

JADE: As a point of curiosity-

ARADIA: oh shit!!!!

The dead Cherub possessing the body of an equally deceased Goddess of Space pauses at the interruption. Were she to voice her opinion, it would be that --actually-- it is not unusual for those whose primary concern is The Grander Scheme to have a passing curiosity about the insignificant. So when one really thinks about it, any annoyance with the attendant’s small mindedness is both understandable and warranted.

ARADIA: :(

JADE: as a point of order, you never answered dave’s question.

ARADIA: which one he is very chatty

JADE: you experience time in a way that is woefully unfamiliar to me and it has... piqued my curiosity enough to learn more.

ARADIA: ?_?

DAVEBOT: shes asking how old you are

ARADIA: in this form our bodies stop aging once we reach maturity i think

ARADIA: the god tier keeps our physical form locked in a state of undying

ARADIA: even in death the bodies do not decay

ARADIA: only lay dormant

DAVEBOT: no thats boring

DAVEBOT: like how long have you been alive

JADE: yes, that one.

The Knight, though at times purposefully obtuse, is sharp and observant. This can sometimes offer a refreshing balance to the usual layers of pretense.

ARADIA: oh maybe a few hundred years or so

DAVEBOT: what

JADE: what?

ARADIA: well if i had known you were going to be so judgy about it

DAVEBOT: when did this happen

ARADIA: oh i spent some time in other doomed realities and timelines and came back before anybody could tell i was gone

DAVEBOT: oh just out for a bit of fun then

DAVEBOT: just hopped on over to a different reality

DAVEBOT: real casual like

DAVEBOT: oh hello dont mind me just popping in to see if it really is as doomed as they say it is

DAVEBOT: did not disappoint

ARADIA: yes almost exactly like that :)

DAVEBOT: who did you hang out with are they cooler than me

ARADIA: it is complicated to explain

DAVEBOT: oh ok nevermind then

DAVEBOT: all clear

DAVEBOT: a whole alternate universe ripe with the coolest motherfuckers imaginable

ARADIA: you were there too i threw your air conditioner into the sun

DAVEBOT: wow thats fucked up

DAVEBOT: thats not where that goes at all

JADE: these events are not-canonical.

ARADIA: rude

DAVEBOT: i think what the ghost possessing a corpse of my ex is trying to say

DAVEBOT: and correct me if im fucking wrong

DAVEBOT: which for the record im not

DAVEBOT: is that the trope of being hundreds of years old but looking young forever patently sucks ass

DAVEBOT: a plot device an asshole would write

ARADIA: :(

JADE: that is not what i am trying to say at all.

DAVEBOT: hmm wow yeah thatd really be a sort of pot/kettle situation i guess

DAVEBOT: i cant believe im the only woke one here

DAVEBOT: its hard being such a visionary AND such a fine metallic specimen

DAVEBOT: but im an altruist first and fucking foremost

ARADIA: so selfless

JADE: yes, the greater narrative is truly blessed by your beneficent presence.

DAVEBOT: oh so you got jokes now huh

JADE: i have always had the ‘jokes’ of which you speak, but i have heretofore exercised restraint in laying you low.

JADE: i possess knowledge of many of your iterations, as the scope of my powers allows me to exist in several narrative structures at once.

DAVEBOT: but can she see why kids love the sweet cinnamon taste of cinnamon toast crunch

JADE: i do not know, or care, what that means.

ARADIA: neither do i :)

JADE: its cultural significance to you as an earthling is wasted on the two of us entirely, as we have not conflated the misguided notion of clinging to nostalgic cereal advertisement trivia with socially relevant conversation.

JADE: one could say that your reference is lost to

ARADIA: .....

JADE: ......

ARADIA: .......

JADE: time

ARADIA: ouo

> CHAPTER 12. Really Convolued Metaphorical Horseshit