path: root/album/homestuck-vol-11.yaml

Album: Homestuck Vol. 11
Date: July 20, 2018
Date Added: October 25, 2023
URLs:
- https://coolandnewwebcomic.bandcamp.com/album/homestuck-vol-11
- https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMXVVm-BDvr8A1nmc24cuuwJ2a7YJRSvG
Cover Artists:
- CadBrad
Art Tags:
- Toby Fox
- Bowman
- John
- Rose
- Dave
- Jade
- Jane
- Roxy
- Dirk
- Jake
- Consorts
- Earth
Cover Art File Extension: png
Track Art File Extension: png
Color: '#0088ff'
Groups:
- Cool and New Music Team
- Fandom
Additional Files:
- Title: The Baby is 2 Script
  Files:
  - The-Baby-Is-2-Script.pdf
Commentary: |-
    <i>Makin:</i> (Organizer)
    <b>VOL. 11 IS NOT OFFICIAL AND THE COOL AND NEW MUSIC TEAM MADE IT, NOT THE HOMESTUCK MUSIC TEAM.</b>
    Homestuck Vol. 11 is an extensive recreation project of a single meme posted by [[artist:cadbrad]] two years ago. Because we could.
    <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/homestuck/comments/4nrfft/volume_11_preview/">https://www.reddit.com/r/homestuck/comments/4nrfft/volume_11_preview/</a>
    That was the image, and recreating it sat on our projects list as a "meme idea that will never happen" for over a year. We finally decided to start obsessively bringing it back to life about a month ago.
    The biggest challenges during the planning stage were the longer tracks, particularly Bowman's Credit Score: A Rock Opera, which we "downsized" back to a bowman soundfont swap but ended up being hilariously complex anyway, and The Baby is 2, which we actually brought to life with really shitty mics and a lot of heart. Both came out way better than we expected. Another challenge was getting a 11 hour song onto Bandcamp while dealing with their 600MB limit, it involved a lot of silence and making the song mono, but don't worry, the download includes the original song in stereo with no padding.
    Also worth mentioning, SplitSuns' newest masterpiece: The Return of Mobius Trip and Hadron Kaleido, I can't recommend it enough. Go listen to it now.
---
Track: You Do Not Have What It Takes
Artists:
- Hadron
Cover Artists:
- Hadron
Art Tags:
- Jade
Duration: '04:13'
URLs:
- https://coolandnewwebcomic.bandcamp.com/track/you-do-not-have-what-it-takes
- https://youtu.be/7GFr_k8riJs
Referenced Tracks:
- Mutiny
- Guardian V2
- Desperado
- track:contention-lofam3
- Unbound (loop)
- Kinetic Verdancy
---
Track: Penumbra Phantasm (Extended)
Artists:
- Difarem
Cover Artists:
- nights
Art Tags:
- John
- Toby Fox
Duration: '1:55'
URLs:
- https://coolandnewwebcomic.bandcamp.com/track/penumbra-phantasm-extended
- https://youtu.be/6ZTGaCSQAdk
Referenced Tracks:
- track:hankage-fantazumu-2
Sampled Tracks:
- track:hankage-fantazumu-2
Lyrics: |-
    [Lyrics to the full eleven hour version]
    (The track over. Move on to the next track)

    (Why are you still here? Please go)

    (The real Penumbera will never be released. Just leave already. Please)
Commentary: |-
    <i>Makin:</i> (Organizer, Wiki adder)
    This track is 11:41:30 in the Bandcamp release, but it's just 1:55 of music, 30 seconds of willfromafar saying the lines in the lyrics, and 11:39:45 of silence. For wiki purposes, only the short, downloadable, Youtube version of the track is preserved here. Also I was the one who extended the track to 11 hours so I deserve this artistic license......
---
Track: "Bowman's Credit Score: A Rock Opera"
Artists:
- Noisemaker
Cover Artists:
- 1vs
Art Tags:
- Bowman
Duration: '13:40'
URLs:
- https://coolandnewwebcomic.bandcamp.com/track/bowmans-credit-score-a-rock-opera
- https://youtu.be/CV7XNd8P4ug
Referenced Tracks:
- Showtime (Original Mix)
- Aggrieve
- Explore
- Beatdown
- Sburban Jungle
- Doctor
- Sunslammer
- Crustacean
- Cascade (Beta)
- Even in Death
- Time on My Side
- Another Jungle
- Eternity Served Cold
- English
- Carne Vale
- Oppa Toby Style
- Liquid Negrocity
- Heir of Grief
Sampled Tracks:
- Bowman's Credit Score
Lyrics: |-
    [Approximate]
    (I'm thinking of a number between my buttocks)

    [lyrics of every song set to "I'm" "credit", "buttocks", "seven", "twenty" and other words of Bowman's Credit score start playing here, and don't stop until the end of the track]

    (This number is between my buttocks)

    (It happens to be between 450 and 850)

    (And the number is between my buttocks)

    (It happens to be between 450 and 850)

    (It still happens to be between my buttocks)

    (It's my free credit score)

    (It's a number between 720 and 720)

    (The number's between 450 and 850, and it happens to be 720)

    (It's between my buttocks, it happens to be 720, and the numbers are between 450 and 850, it could save you a lot of money, a lot of money between my BUTTOCKS)

    (The higher this number is, although the highest can be 850, the better chance you have at saving-- 
    Buttocks, this number is between my buttocks, you can reach in between my buttocks and get a number)
    
    (My credit score happens to be 720, which as you've noticed, is between 450 and 850, but do you know what number I'm thinking of?)

    (I'm thinking of a number between 450 and 850)

    (I'm thinking of a number, though, that is between my buttocks)

    (It is still 720)

    (Won't you reach and grab 720 for me? Don't grab 450 and 850 as these are the two extremes. These are not my credit score)

    (My free credit score happens to be 720 but I'm thinking that you can reach in and grab it because it's between my buttocks, buttocks, buttocks, buttocks, buttocks...)

    (The number between my buttocks happens to be, well, I'm thinking that it's 720, but I could be wrong, because your number could be anywhere between four fifty and eight fifty)

    (The number is probably 720, won't you reach in and grab it for me?)

    (I'm thinking that the number 720 could save you a lot of money. It's between 450 and 850 and it's also within my buttocks)

    (You can reach and grab your free credit report)

    (I'm thinking you can reach between my buttocks for a number that is between 450 and 850 and my buttocks)

    (You can reach between my buttocks if you so choose, to retrieve this number, which is 720, which happens to be between my buttocks. Why don't you reach in between my buttocks? The higher that the number you reach in and grab in between my buttocks, the better chance you have at saving a lot of money, after you have reached in and grabbed a number, between my buttocks)

    (Yes, thank you sir)
---
Track: Guardian V3
Artists:
- Shwan
Cover Artists:
- Griever
Art Tags:
- Jade
Duration: '03:14'
URLs:
- https://coolandnewwebcomic.bandcamp.com/track/guardian-v3
- https://youtu.be/LMqIQNy8jzI
Referenced Tracks:
- Guardian
- Guardian V2
Sampled Tracks:
- Dave's Phat Beat Machine Beats by Bill Bolin
---
Track: MeGaLoVania 2 (Feat. Snoop Dogg as "Sans" From the Hit Game Undertale, Created by Toby Fox)
Artists:
- Cerulean
Cover Artists:
- Tipsy
Art Tags:
- Vriska
Duration: '04:13'
URLs:
- https://coolandnewwebcomic.bandcamp.com/track/megalovania-2-feat-snoop-dogg-as-sans-from-the-hit-game-undertale-created-by-toby-fox
- https://youtu.be/QQJhCMfEd1g
Referenced Tracks:
- track:megalovania-undertale
- Drop It Like It's Hot
- Descent Into Madness
Sampled Tracks:
- Drop It Like It's Hot
- Undertale SFX
Lyrics: |-
    When the pimp's in the crib, ma
    Drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot
    When the pigs try to get at you
    Park it like it's hot, park it like it's hot, park it like it's hot
    And if a [sans sfx] get a attitude
    Pop it like it's hot, pop it like it's hot, pop it like it's hot
    I got the Rollie on my arm and I'm pourin' Chandon
    And I roll the best [sans sfx], 'cause I got it goin' on

    Drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot
    Drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot
    Drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot
    
    Drop it like it's hot

    I'm a nice dude (Uh), with some nice dreams (Yep)
    See these ice cubes? (Uh) See these Ice Creams?
    Eligible bachelor, million dollar boat
    That's whiter than what's spillin' down your throat
    The Phantom, exterior like fish eggs
    The interior like suicide-wrist red
    I can exercise you, this can be your Phys. Ed
    Cheat on your man, ma, that's how you get ahizzead

    When the pimp's in the crib, ma
    Drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot
    When the pigs try to get at you
    Park it like it's hot, park it like it's hot, park it like it's hot
    And if a [sans sfx] get a attitude
    Pop it like it's hot, pop it like it's hot, pop it like it's hot
    I got the Rollie on my arm and I'm pourin' Chandon
    And I roll the best [sans sfx], 'cause I got it goin' on

    When the pimp's in the crib, ma
    Drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot
    When the pigs try to get at you
    Park it like it's hot, park it like it's hot, park it like it's hot
    And if a [sans sfx] get a attitude
    Pop it like it's hot, pop it like it's hot, pop it like it's hot
    I got the Rollie on my arm and I'm pourin' Chandon
    And I roll the best [sans sfx], 'cause I got it goin' on

    I'm a gangsta, but y'all knew that
    The Big Boss Dogg, yeah I had to do that
    I keep a blue flag hangin' out my backside
    But only on the left side, yeah, that's the Crip side
    Ain't no other way to play the game the way I play
    I cut so much you thought I was a DJ
    Two, re-pe-re-pe one, yep, three [+ sans noises]
    S-N double O-P, D-O double G

    I can't fake it, just break it, and when I take it
    See, I specialize in makin' all the girls get naked
    So bring your friends, all of y'all come inside
    We got a world premiere right here, now get live (So don't)
    
    Drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot [+ sans noises]
    Drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot [+ sans noises]
    Drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot [+ sans noises]
    Drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot

    I can't fake it, just break it, and when I take it
    See, I specialize in makin' all the girls get naked
    So bring your friends, all of y'all come inside
    We got a world premiere right here, now get live (So don't)
    So don't change the dizzle, turn it up a little
    I got a livin' room full of fine dime brizzles
    Waitin' on the Pizzle, the Dizzle and the Chizzle
    G's to the bizzack, now, ladies, here we gizzo
---
Track: The Return of Mobius Trip and Hadron Kaleido
Artists:
- SplitSuns
Cover Artists:
- nights
Art Tags:
- Mobius Trip
- Hadron Kaleido
- Prospit
- Derse
Duration: '06:12'
URLs:
- https://coolandnewwebcomic.bandcamp.com/track/the-return-of-mobius-trip-and-hadron-kaleido
- https://youtu.be/MUOrZVbtLyU
Referenced Tracks:
- The Deeper You Go
- Sburban Jungle
- Beta Version
- Chain Of Prospit
- Fly
- No Release
- Pumpkin Tide
- Lies With The Sea
- Dawn of Man
- Forever
---
Track: 'Nightlife: Dancing Moon Edition'
Artists:
- TirantBacon
Cover Artists:
- Tipsy
Art Tags:
- Jack Noir
- CD
- Earth
Duration: '01:46'
URLs:
- https://coolandnewwebcomic.bandcamp.com/track/nightlife-dancing-moon-edition
- https://youtu.be/nj6TmAiRraQ
Referenced Tracks:
- Nightlife (Extended)
Lyrics: |-
    [Lyrics from the long version]
    (Yo it's me, Bill Bolin, here to talk about-- uh fuck you, fuck you, I'm a stupid piece of shit)
    (I make good music, point a fat middle finger at the [unintelligible])
    (Uh-- I hate you Andrew Hussie, you're a douchebag, uhhh can I have one uh douchebag, hope you enjoy my song, hope this is long enough to fit the timeframe, UHHHH)
Commentary: |-
    <i>Makin:</i> (Organizer)
    Much like the Penumbra Phantasm remix, this was extended with memes on Bandcamp, another thirty seconds to fit the timeframe, but is only available in short form for download, and replicated as such here. The longer version also samples "Spanish Flea" by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass during the Bolin speech.
---
Track: Bleat Like a Goat Mom
Artists:
- cookiefonster
Cover Artists:
- whimsi
Art Tags:
- Dave
- 'cw: blood (abstract)'
- 'cw: decapitation (abstract)'
Duration: '01:26'
URLs:
- https://coolandnewwebcomic.bandcamp.com/track/bleat-like-a-goat-mom
- https://youtu.be/p8aYrhUw5Pk
Referenced Tracks:
- Heartache
- Atomyk Ebonpyre
- Darling Kanaya
- Crustacean
- Beatdown (Strider Style)
Sampled Tracks:
- Toby Fox's goat bleat
---
Track: Your (Quest) Bed
Artists:
- artist:nerd-canmt
Cover Artists:
- Cosmere64
Art Tags:
- John
- Bowman
- Mobius Trip
- LoWaS
Duration: '04:13'
URLs:
- https://coolandnewwebcomic.bandcamp.com/track/your-quest-bed
- https://youtu.be/Ng7fPwnLjTE
Referenced Tracks:
- Gust of Heir
- Michael Bowman Remix
- Swordland
Sampled Tracks:
- Michael Bowman Remix
- Bowman's Credit Score
- Your Bed
- radiation is now on youtube
Lyrics: |-
    (Hi. I'm... in bed)
    Bowman bowman bowman
    Bowman bowman bowman
    Bowman bowman bowman
    Bowman bowman bowman
    (I'm thinking of a number between my buttocks, know what it is?)
    (It's my credit score, and it happens to be seven hundred and twenty)
    (My mother's going to call soon, no one is safe)
    (I'm Toby "Radiation" Fox, y'all fuckers on the Internet may know me as Radiation but my name is [[group:toby-fox|Toby Fox]], uuh! I'm the guy who does music for Homestuck)
    Bowman bowman bowman
    Bowman bowman bowman
    Bowman bowman bowman
    Bowman bowman bowman
    Bowman bowman bowman
    Bowman bowman bowman
    Bowman bowman bowman
    Bowman bowman bowman
    Bowman bowman bowman
    Bowman bowman bowman
    Bowman bowman bowman
    Bowman bowman bowman
---
Track: Unfinished Beatdown Remix; DO NOT PUBLISH
Artists:
- Cerulean
Cover Artists:
- Tipsy
Art Tags:
- Dabe
- Dave
- John
- Terezi
Duration: '01:43'
URLs:
- https://coolandnewwebcomic.bandcamp.com/track/unfinished-beatdown-remix-do-not-publish
- https://youtu.be/2NPoo8TMVl0
Referenced Tracks:
- Beatdown (Strider Style)
- Doctor
- Upward Movement (Dave Owns)
---
Track: The Baby is 2
Artists:
- WHATISLOSTINTHEMINES
- Ray Mike
- artist:nerd-canmt
Contributors:
- WHATISLOSTINTHEMINES (Dirk Voice Acting, additional scripting)
- ostrichlittledungeon (Jane Voice Acting)
- Tipsy (Calliope Voice Acting)
- Fiskool (Jake Voice Acting)
- Bee (Roxy Voice Acting)
- Indubitably (John Voice Acting)
- Griever (Scripting)
- artist:nerd-canmt (Additional scripting)
Cover Artists:
- Shadok
Art Tags:
- Jane
- Jake
- Calliope
- Dirk
Duration: '12:06'
URLs:
- https://coolandnewwebcomic.bandcamp.com/track/the-baby-is-2
- https://youtu.be/_BfvV-i3n0g
Referenced Tracks:
- A Baby Legend - The Baby is 2
- Throguher song
- Oppa Toby Style
- The Baby is You
- Pumpkin Party in Sea Hitler's Water Apocalypse
- dirk has a high speed chase down the highway to get to the horse stable on time
- Drugs Song
- Komm, süsser Tod
- cannon in d bad edition
- The Dirk Rap instrumental
- food.mp3 
Sampled Tracks:
- A Baby Legend - The Baby is 2
- Big Money Hustlas (2000)
- Throguher song
- The Baby is You
- dirk has a high speed chase down the highway to get to the horse stable on time
- Drugs Song
- Komm, süsser Tod
- cannon in d bad edition
- The Dirk Rap instrumental
- food.mp3
Lyrics: |-
    [Adapted from original Bandcamp lyrics]

    A HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS AGO...
    far in the depths of paradox space
    a new lifeform is about to be created
    one whose origin is as enigmatic as the glimmer of a musclebeast's teat
    some are carried in by storks
    some are recreated from paradox slime
    others appear wet out of their best friend's magical nonexistent vagina
    but regardless of how these beings may be formed
    they all come into the world with a special force:
    one called
    LOVE
    this is the story of one man's search for love and truth
    in a universe forgotten by time
    the story of those fearful creatures
    those that we call
    <big><big><i>BABIES</i></big></big>

    [radiation solo]

    Jane: Hello everyone, my name is Jane Crocker and John just showed me this rock opera that he said was “totally like” -
    Jane: OH MY GOD DIRK WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE FLOOR WRITHING IN PAIN!?

    Dirk: I'm pregnant.

    Jane: W-what!? How is that possible- who's the father?

    Dirk: Jane, shouldn't that be pretty fucking obvious-

    Jane: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE FOR JUST A DIDDLY TOOTIN' SECOND! This is exactly like what John showed me!
    Jane: Let me guess - there's a tiny baby version of me swirling around inside of you as we speak.

    Dirk: No, Jane.
    Dirk: The baby... is me.

    Jane: I'm disappointed.

    Dirk: I know.

    Jake: Oh my god dirk you're pregnant!? How did this happen? [jake background noises continue on for eons fuck transcribing this]

    Jane: (in the background interrupting Jake) WOAH JEEZ WHEN DID YOU GET HERE

    Dirk: Yes, Jake. I don't know how you did it, but apparently the babymaking skills of an English aren't hindered by the laws of human biology.

    Roxy: aw yeah dirk we gotta celebrate this with a fuckin SONG!

    Dirk: Roxy, no, come on, don't start this singing stuff while I'm literally kicking my own insides.

    Roxy: okay fiiiiiiine i wont start this singin shit

    Dirk: Thank you, Roxy.

    Roxy: (beat) janey will start us off then

    Dirk: Wait, god damn it, no-

    i was sittin around in the middle of ni---

    Dirk: No, seriously don't

    Roxy: okay fine

    Dirk: Good, because my water just broke a few minutes ago and it's EXTREMELY painful, fuck, fuck, shit.

    Roxy: wait what!?

    Jane: DIRK!

    Jake: DIRK WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US EARLIER WHILE WE WERE CONGRATULATING YOU WITH A SONG AND DANCE NUMBER!? [this didn't actually happen because we cut the first song so jake is clearly talking about another timeline which we'll see in the baby is 3, coming holiday 2026]

    Dirk: You guys looked like you were having so much fun.

    Jane: Jesus christ...unbelievable, just unbelievable.

    Roxy: well fuck we gotta get you over to a hospital fuckin pronto

    Dirk: No.
    Dirk: I'm going to deliver in a horse stable, and that is non-negotiable.
    Dirk: And we need to get there RIGHT NOW because holy shit I swear baby me is trying to torture me right now with this unholy childbirth pain.

    Roxy: dirk u realize how stupid you sound right now dont you
    Roxy: i mean come on do you think youre HORSE JESUS or somethin!?

    Calliope: hold on roxy, dirk……………………………………………………………………………….is right!

    Jake: Calliope!

    Jane: Calliope!

    Roxy: omg callie! wtf are you doing here ive missed you!

    Calliope: i coUldn't possibly miss sUch a momentoUs occasion!
    Calliope: and i've been sitting here far too long to not take an active role in the birth of yoUr child dirk!

    Dirk: Uh.
    Dirk: That's awesome, I guess-

    Calliope: that's why i mUst become what i was always going to become...the midwife-

    Dirk: AUGH FUCK!

    Callie: what's wrong!?

    Dirk: Callie, I'm trying to kill myself from the inside right now! You gotta help me!

    Calliope: dont worry dirk i have the perfect solUtion!

    Dirk: Are you going to teleport me to the nearest horse stable so I can unload myself, surrounded by glorious, musclebound hoofed animals?

    Calliope: ...no.
    Calliope: i'm going to give yoU drUgs.

    Dirk: ...Fuck it. I don't even care anymore, I just need something to stop this horrible pain.
    Dirk: Anything you can give me, Callie.

    Barbituates would go down great
    And Oxycotin by the crate

    a Vicodin, an aspirin
    some Vioxx and psilocybin

    methadone or opium
    Surprise me doc with something fun

    some Angel dust, some LSD,
    A dozen tabs of ecstacy

    Crystal meth or krokodil
    Some bathsalts and some fentanyl

    Amphethetamines and ketamine
    And khat, kola and nicotine

    Some nutmeg for that nutty thrill
    With cough syrup and benedryl

    Peyote and amanita
    Followed by a pint of ether

    A pot of glue, a can of paint,
    Experimental opiates

    I'd chew some betel, lick a toad
    Eat sarpa salpa by the load

    Oh callie, please, I'm in a jam,
    I'd even take phenazepam

    I'm begging, pleading, fill my veins
    Just something, please, to end the pain.

    (I'm sorry parents, don't be mad
    Remember kids that drugs are bad.)

    Callie: honestly i'm starting to think it may be a bad idea to give you any-

    Dirk: JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING DRUGS, CALLIE-
    Dirk: [screams of anguish and pain]

    Jane: There's no time, Dirk!
    Jane: Look, we're already at the stables!

    Dirk: Oh thank god.
    Dirk: Now the horses can comfort me with their whispered neighs and muscular stature and AUGHHHHHH

    Jane: Oh god, is it over?

    Dirk: Yeah.
    Dirk: It's a...it's a...baby.

    Dirk2: (monotone baby cries) Wah. Wah. Wah.

    [Quick little piano jingle starts to give it that Evangelion ending feel]

    Jake: Oh wow, congratulations Dirk!

    Jane: Congratulations!

    Roxy: Congratulations!

    Calliope: Congratulations!

    Horses: NEIGH.

    [Jingle starts to fade out]

    Dirk: Thanks, everyone.
    Dirk: You know, looking into my little baby eyes just after having given birth to myself has really opened my own eyes.
    Dirk: I feel like I know so much more about myself now.

    Jane: Dirk, what the hell are you talking about?

    Dirk: It's just…
    Dirk: I've always had a problem with splinters of myself.

    Jake: (quickly, in the background, while dirk continues) Oh boy this story again. [more shit I'm not going to transcribe]

    Dirk: Splinters. Alternate versions of myself always popping up, showcasing my deepest, darkest flaws and causing trouble for everyone I love.
    Dirk: I used to think that it was some sort of...bizarre manifestation of my own self hatred.
    Dirk: And it still is - it's no secret that there's a lot about myself that I can't stand.
    Dirk: I can't stand how I have so much trouble being upfront with any of you guys, always hiding myself behind splinters or unfathomable layers of irony.
    Dirk: I can't stand how I've completely fucked up my relationships with just about everyone here at least once because of my pure, boneheaded stubbornness and my complete inability to handle what should be a normal social dynamic.
    Dirk: Hell, I can't even really stand the color of my eyes.
    Dirk: Have any of you seen them? Look - look at baby me real quick. They're stupid looking and slanted and orange for god's sakes.
    Dirk: I don't know about you, but I'm about 99% certain orange is just about the least cool color an eye could be.

    Jane: Dirk, we've been over this.
    Jane: Your eyes look fine, and self-loathing night is Saturday, and we can all air our grievances about ourselves then.

    Dirk: Right, sorry.
    Dirk: The point is, I look into baby me's eyes and I don't hate them. They're innocent eyes - eyes that haven't been hidden by callous dark triangles, eyes that haven't searched one's soul and found a rotting core a million times over.
    Dirk: Eyes that haven't looked straight into the eyes of a friend and asked for thirty different drugs.
    Dirk: And I realized.
    Dirk: I have to stop hating myself.
    Dirk: I have to accept myself.
    Dirk: And what better way is there to accept myself than physical integration, augmented by my abilities as a Prince of Heart?

    Jane: Hold on, you lost me with that physical integration thing.
    Jane: What in the actual fuck are you talking about?

    Dirk: Jane…
    Dirk: I'm going to eat my baby.

    Jane: ...Wait...wha-

    Dirk: [crunch]

    Jane: OH GOD DIRK WHAT THE HELL!?

    Jake: Dirk, why in the blazers are you eating your baby?!

    Dirk: Jake, I know this seems a little bizarre.
    Dirk: In fact, it probably is downright esoteric.
    Dirk: But I think I can explain.

    Jake: Dirk-

    Dirk: Through an ancient artform almost as old as time itself.

    Jake: Dirk-

    Dirk: Rap.

    Dirk:
    Jake, I'll admit, this is kinda bizarre,
    But I need you to understand the way things are.
    This baby is me and I'm the baby,
    And that's why it is currently on the taby.

    Eating it is a vital process for me,
    It's time-line doomed, or at least probably will be,
    When I eat it, I'll end this circle of madness,
    And in no way will this diminish my radness.

    Jake:
    Dirk, this entire motion is insane!
    The poppycock you spew is not coming from your brain!
    We should at least, you know, talk this through,
    After all, the baby isn't just for you!

    As the parent here, I claim co-custody rights.
    We shouldn't have to divorce Dirk, our shit is so tight.
    Neither do we split the baby in half,
    Dirk, let's just cool down and listen to some phonograph.

    Dirk:
    Jake, I just don't think you understand,
    Paradox space has always been forcing my hand,
    I need to do this to regain control,
    I won't let it make me have a minor role.

    Jake (spoken):
    So... what does any of this have to do with eating your baby?

    Dirk:
    (with heavy echo) Heart powers.

    Jake:
    Yeah, but how does that even work?

    Dirk:
    Such is the magic of skaia?

    Jake:
    Dirk, cmon! There has to be a better way! Can't you see that?

    Dirk:
    This is the only way, Jake.

    Jake: (sigh) Look, how about we talk about good parenting practices instead? I've got a book here about them. That shouldn't be to hard to do.

    Dirk: When the baby's in the crib, (yes?)
    Drop it like it's hot, (what?!)
    Drop it like it's hot, (no!)
    Drop it like it's hot, (dirk no that's bad parenting practices!)

    And when the baby's out of the crib, (no!)
    Eat it like it's hot, (dirk!)
    Eat it like it's hot, (stop it!)
    Eat it like it's hot, [crunch]

    Jake:
    Dirk, stop eating the baby!

    Dirk:
    Look, all I'm saying [crunch] is that babys probably taste better fresh.

    Jake:
    Just stop it!

    Dirk:
    Look, it's just a toe. Little shit probably won't miss it. [crunch]

    Jake:
    You just ate another one!

    Dirk:
    It has, like, another 7! [crunch]

    Jake:
    Now it only has 6!

    Dirk: Look, Jake, I respect you as a partner, but this is literally me. I need to finally accept my destiny, and eat all the babys. (heavy echo) All of them.

    Jake: Dirk, you are complete and batshit poppycock insane. But I love you.

    [makeout noises]

    Jane: What are you doing Jake don't let Dirk eat the baby!

    Jake: I have to let Dirk do this. This is the only way to let him regain control of his life Jane, you have to understand!

    Jane: Ugg, he's using his bullshit heart magic on you again isn't he.

    Dirk: No I'm not.

    Jane: Yes you are!

    Dirk: No I'm not. [crunch]

    Jane: Dirk! Stop trying to distract me by eating the baby!

    Dirk: So it's decided. The baby is to be eaten.

    Dirk: So…
    Dirk: Yeah.
    Dirk: I'm just going to eat my baby then.

    Roxy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Jane: DIRK STOP EATING YOUR LEG RIGHT THIS INSTANT.
    Callie: i don't really see anything oUt of the ordinary with that, actUally…

    Jake: Dirk, as your husband and co-parent of this baby, I support your decision, but I am still disappointed in you.

    Dirk: Mmm.
    Dirk: Of all the things I hate [chew] about myself, taste is not one of them.
    Dirk: I taste damn good.

    Callie: dirk this is a little lewd if i'm being quite honest!

    Roxy: that's it i'm gonna have to start fucking drinking again just to get that image out of my mind

    Dirk: God, do all babies [chew] taste this good?
    Dirk: Because I'll be honest - this makes me want to eat every single baby in the human race.

    Dirk: ...Mmm.
    Dirk: That was delicious.

    John: hey guys, what the hell just happened?

    Jane: John? What are you doing here?

    John: when i heard that some crazy baby stuff was going down i came as fast as i could!
    John: where's dirk and his baby?

    Jane: Dirk ate the baby and the baby was him and now we're all a little dead inside.

    John: ........

    John: you guys are kinda depressing, aren't you?
Commentary: |-
    <i>Cool and New Music Team:</i>
    I came as fast as I could 
---
Track: How Do I Live (Thanks for Playing Version)
Artists:
- Kal-la-kal-la
Cover Artists:
- nights
- Tipsy
Art Tags:
- John
- Jade
- Rose
- Roxy
Duration: '04:13'
URLs:
- https://coolandnewwebcomic.bandcamp.com/track/how-do-i-live-thanks-for-playing-version
- https://youtu.be/O83TiDeyhHU
Referenced Tracks:
- track:how-do-i-live
Lyrics: |-
    How do I
    Get through one night without you?
    If I had to live without you
    What kind of life would that be?
    Oh, and I
    I need you in my arms, need you to hold
    You're my world, my heart, my soul
    If you ever leave
    Baby that would take away everything good in my life
    Without you
    There'd be no sun in my sky
    There'd be no love in my life
    There'd be no world left for me
    Oh, and I
    Baby I don't know what I would do
    I'd be lost if I lost you
    If you ever leave
    Baby that would take away everything that's real in my life
    And tell me now
    How do I live without you?
    I wanna know
    How do I breathe without you?
    If you ever go
    How will I ever, ever survive?
    
    How do I live without you?
    I wanna know
    How do I breathe without you?
    If you ever go
    How will I ever, ever survive?
    (Oh, it's- it's done. Oh.)