Album: A Memory Finds Its Name Artists: - Circlejourney Date: March 30, 2021 Date Added: April 13, 2024 URLs: - https://circlejourney.bandcamp.com/album/a-memory-finds-its-name Cover Artists: - Circlejourney Wallpaper Artists: - Circlejourney - Niklink (edits for wiki) Wallpaper Style: 'opacity: 0.65;' Cover Art File Extension: png Additional Files: - Title: Album Booklet Files: - A Memory Finds Its Name - booklet.pdf Color: '#FAD7AD' Groups: - Circlejourney - Beyond Commentary: |- Circlejourney: (booklet commentary) I dedicate this album to everyone I’ve ever loved. Thanks for checking out A Memory Finds Its Name! It means a lot. I have a fraught relationship with my voice. It’s partly vocal dysphoria, partly low self-esteem from criticism as a teen. In 2014, my self-doubt resulted in me removing every single track containing my voice from Bandcamp, and replacing it with an instrumental version. It has taken me almost ten years to finally feel at home with my voice, despite the mismatch with what I wish it sounded like. Getting a new mic this January also helped—I can now produce almost studio-standard work from my bedroom! Here’s a collection of both brand new songs and songs from as far back as 2011, whose lyrics are finally seeing the light of day. A lot of them explore the twilight between joy and parting, between love and loss. The title is about me breathing new life into old songs, but it is also about rediscovering and putting names to things once lost. Many thanks to [[artist:chichii|Emmara]] for collabing with me on Summer Heat, and to everyone whose enthusiasm has spurred me to finish this in record time! --- Section: Main album --- Track: Summer Heat Duration: '03:41' Contributors: - CHICHII ! (additional vocals) URLs: - https://circlejourney.bandcamp.com/track/summer-heat-feat-chichii Lyrics: |- Two, three, four Summer heat Draw your blade on me You know that beat Won't you say that you'll hold me Summer rain In the air tonight I'll regret it someday but for now it feels so right Summer heat Draw your blade on me You know that beat Won't you say that you'll hold me Summer rain In the air tonight I'll regret it someday but for now it feels so right Oh, her burning eyes Cut me like a knife She could kill me, I Would thank her for it She will never see While she's near to me I will always be Trapped in her orbit She could break me in two She'll remake me anew If she said, me and you Could you take it Ooh, I would bow in defeat Lay myself at her feet From the day that we meet My life is forfeit Oh, just one dance (Oh, her burning eyes cut me like a knife) And I know (She could kill me, I would thank her for it) In a glance (She will never see while she's near to me) I love her so (I will always be trapped in her orbit) If I dared (She could break me in two, she'll remake me anew) I'd let it show (If she said, me and you, could you take it) But I'm scared (Ooh, I would bow in defeat, lay myself at her feet) To let her go (From the day that we meet, my life is forfeit) Summer heat Draw your blade on me You know that beat Won't you say that you'll hold me Summer rain In the air tonight I'll regret it someday but for now it feels so right Summer heat (Oh, just one dance) Draw your blade on me (And I know) You know that beat (In a glance) Won't you say that you'll hold me (I love her so) Summer rain (If I dared) In the air tonight (I'd let it show) I'll regret it someday (But I'm scared) But for now it feels so right Summer sky Tell me where to find her 'Cause in my eye I would hold her forever Summer rain Show me to my future The day we met It's like I always knew her Two, three, four Summer heat Draw your blade on me You know that beat Won't you say that you'll hold me Summer rain In the air tonight I'll regret it someday but for now it feels so right Summer heat Draw your blade on me You know that beat Has me wanting your body Summer rain In the air tonight I'll regret it someday But let's dance in the moonlight Summer heat (Oh, her burning eyes cut me like a knife) Draw your blade on me (She could kill me, I would thank her for) You know that beat (She will never see, while she's near to me) Won't you say that you'll hold me (I will always be, trapped in her orbit) Summer rain (She could break me in two, she'll remake me anew) In the air tonight (If she said me and you, could you take it) I'll regret it someday (Ooh, I would bow in defeat, lay myself at her feet) but for now it feels so right Summer heat Draw your blade on me You know that beat Won't you say that you'll hold me Summer rain In the air tonight I'll regret it someday but for now it feels so right Summer heat (Oh, just one dance) Draw your blade on me (And I know) You know that beat (In a glance) Has me wanting your body (I love her so) Summer rain (If I dared) In the air tonight (I'd let it show) I'll regret it someday (But I'm scared) but let's dance in the moonlight Commentary: |- Circlejourney: (booklet commentary) I am always chasing the summery bubblegum pop sound, and this track, I feel, is the closest I’ve ever come to hitting the mark. Despite the cheerful outward appearance, I wanted to capture an undercurrent of hopeless longing and ephemerality—when you know the excitement is bound to end too soon, but you enjoy it anyway, almost in defiance of that knowledge. The bird you hear midway through is an Asian koel, which I associate strongly with the dusk (when its cries are heard), nostalgia, and now with my home in Singapore. I’m really happy that I got to get my friend Emmara to sing on this song! She’s an amazing vocalist and musician; you can check out her YouTube channel here. --- Track: Life's a Mind Game Duration: '04:35' URLs: - https://circlejourney.bandcamp.com/track/lifes-a-mind-game Lyrics: |- That's just how, how it moves Life's a mind game, with no rules You will win till you lose Same old story, same old news That's just how, how it moves Life's a mind game, with no rules You will win till you lose Same old story, same old news She says she's not looking for a partner Next month she's dating someone hotter I'm cute to everyone but not her That's how it goes He says you wanna bang for one night I say not my idea of fun, like Next day he goes makeouts are fine, right That's how it goes Everywhere I go, Everyone I know, Just another comedy about to start Won't someone tell me how to play my stupid part Look like I belong Try to learn the words by heart Then I say them wrong I used to think there was a trick, that there was a key Something everybody knew but me, but I've come to see Life's a circus and we're doomed to be Clowning until we kick the bucket and then we're free That's just how, how it moves Life's a mind game, with no rules You will win till you lose Same old story, same old news That's just how How it moves Life's a mind game, with no rules You will win till you lose Same old story, same old news Breakup was back in 2019 Since then I've fallen in a routine See someone new, no words, break down The saddest thing you've ever seen It's like a shitty B-rate movie So bad you feel a little sorry For everyone who's in the show And I would know I guess I'll get lost in a story Roleplay's the way, I won't be sorry Then bam, DM gives us a hottie And I'm too scared to flirt (Goddammit) I guess I'm doomed to make no progress Let's face the truth, I'm just a hot mess I'll probably always be anxious And life will always hurt That's just how, how it moves Life's a mind game, with no rules You will win till you lose Same old story, same old news That's just how, how it moves Life's a mind game, with no rules You will win till you lose Same old story, same old news (One) That's just how, how it moves (She says she's not looking for a partner) (Two) Life's a mind game, with no rules (Next month she's dating someone hotter) (Three) You will win till you lose (I'm cute to everyone but not her) (Four) Same old story, same old news (That's how it goes) (That's how it goes) (One) That's just how, how it moves (He says you wanna bang for one night) (Two) Life's a mind game, with no rules (I say not my idea of fun, like) (Three) You will win till you lose (Next day he goes makeouts are fine, right) (Four) Same old story, same old news (That's how it goes) That's just how, how it moves (She says she's not looking for a partner) Life's a mind game, with no rules (Next month she's dating someone hotter) You will win till you lose (I'm cute to everyone but not her) Same old story, same old news (That's how it goes) That's just how, how it moves (He says you wanna bang for one night) Life's a mind game, with no rules (I say not my idea of fun, like) You will win till you lose (Next day he goes makeouts are fine, right) Same old story, same old news (That's how it goes) (That's how it goes) Commentary: |- Circlejourney: (booklet commentary) This song came to me as I was waiting for the bus, the day after someone I barely knew hit on me, even though I had not remotely expressed interest—and then tried it again after I told him no. The song quickly evolved into a great big vent about the year and a half starting in late 2019, a period that was chock full of romantic encounters that were almost hilariously terrible in hindsight. There are times when life just feels like playing a game without knowing the rules, and nowhere more than in the realm of romance and dating. I’m just too socially-inept to know how to handle all this confusing nonsense. I hope the song is enjoyable; it would be the one good thing to come of all of it. --- Track: When All Is Gone Duration: '04:22' URLs: - https://circlejourney.bandcamp.com/track/when-all-is-gone Lyrics: |- I am a child of rain and fire Born from the blight, bound by a birthright Buried in the centuries of dust and daylight I am the daughter of a woman Who shone brighter than the sun She gave me her chain, told me to run Not one day passes where I don't say her a prayer In every stream, I see my home In every dream I dream, I roam Beneath the sky, everything I've known Is doomed die, while I wander on When all is gone In shadow since the world was shattered The lands are in decay In the ruins you know better Than hope anything will stay but I dared to love, to love another held tight to all that I held dear I always knew she'd disappear Everywhere, every mile In every shadow, her smile I still bear every trial in this barren exile In every stream, I see my home In every dream I dream, I roam Beneath the sky, everything I've known Is doomed die, while I wander on When all is gone I go on, I go on, there's more road ahead Nothing left, nothing left, nothing left for dead Not until, not until all is done and said I defy, I defy, till I bleed out red I go on, I go on, there's more road ahead Nothing left, nothing left, nothing left for dead Not until, not until all is done and said I defy, I defy, till I bleed out red In every stream, I see my home In every dream I dream, I roam Beneath the sky, everything I've known Is doomed die, while I wander on When all is gone (Till I bleed out red) In every stream (I go on, I go on, there's more road ahead) I see my home (Nothing left, nothing left, nothing left for dead) In every dream (Not until, not until all is done and said) I dream, I roam (I defy, I defy, till I bleed out red) Beneath the sky (I go on, I go on, there's more road ahead) Everything I've known (Nothing left, nothing left, nothing left for dead) Is doomed die, while I wander on (Not until, not until all is done and said) When all is gone Commentary: |- Circlejourney: (booklet commentary) Not to be a total nerd, but this song is about my Dungeons & Dragons character. Specifically, it is about Ajai, the paladin I play in my main D&D campaign (yes, the one I referenced in [[track:lifes-a-mind-game]]). I couldn’t find any music accurately reflecting her aesthetic for her playlist, so I took matters into my own hands and wrote the song I wished I could find. Sentimental and protective, Ajai clings to the memory of every person she’s loved long after they have left. Despite the bleakness of the horizons she pursues, she continues to be full of compassion. The richer vocal style playing off the sharp plucked strings is precisely the sound I associate with Ajai. --- Track: From a Windchime Duration: '02:18' Referenced Tracks: - From a Windchime to Its Long-Lost Owner URLs: - https://circlejourney.bandcamp.com/track/from-a-windchime Lyrics: |- Where the robins flew late last summer Eggshell blue, ripped asunder Call me too, softly call me back to where you lay Asleep in dew, dreaming of the answer to Why the truth is never true Why the winter's colder every day I hope you're free, how far westward lies the sea Tell me, do you dream of me Nameless tune forever left behind Why do I sing, when my world is shattering When I've broken everything Are these tears or am I only blind Where's that winding war, by the tide beyond the shore I have tried to try before, but I was so blinded by the sun You tell me forever now for nevermore Will I bear what once I bore Have you thought the glass might hide the gun I know you're free, have you gone beyond the sea I still hear you call to me, even though I'll never find you now But still I sing, for our summer, for our spring For my world, for everything Till I fade, till I've forgotten how I hope you're free, how far westward lies the sea Tell me, do you dream of me Nameless tune forever left behind Why do I sing, when my world is shattering When I've broken everything Are these tears or am I only blind Commentary: |- Circlejourney: (booklet commentary) I wrote this song way back in 2011, under the far longer title From a Windchime to its Long-Lost Owner. It has remained a huge favourite for the decade it has existed, so much that I’ve made five versions of it, one of which you can hear on my 2013 album [[album:compass]]. This is the fifth, and likely final, version: I finally feel like I’ve realised the vision I had all those years ago. The lyrics of this song alone made it worth remaking this many times. At long last, you can hear them! The lyrics are based on an old short story I wrote at around the same time, about a windchime left behind in a house that has long been abandoned. Even back then, I adored that tone of hopeful melancholy that you see in a lot of my work. --- Track: Oceanic Flight Directory: oceanic-flight-a-memory-finds-its-name Always Reference By Directory: true Duration: '04:56' Referenced Tracks: - Oceanic Flight URLs: - https://circlejourney.bandcamp.com/track/oceanic-flight Lyrics: |- For years and years I yearned for the sea I felt the world was turning around me Through cracks and tears I peered at its glory And dreamed, and cried, free me! Free me! Free me! For years and years I yearned to be free I knew the world was changing beyond me And I was disappearing, if only Someone would just hear me! Hear me! Hear me! [Distorted vocal] For years and years, I drowned in the sea I felt the waters turning upon me She thrashed, I steered, we tangled and slowly Our colours ran, mixing permanently In tears, in fears, I drowned her and she Became my world, my life and my story And I was disappearing, if only Someone would just, hear me, hear me, hear me For years and years I yearned for the sea I felt the world was turning around me Through cracks and tears I peered at its glory And dreamed, and cried, free me, free me, free me For years and years I yearned to be free I knew the world was changing beyond me And I was disappearing, if only Someone would just hear me, hear me, hear me For years and years I drowned in the sea Till you reached out and dragged me to safety Beyond the stars, their light burning softly When will someone hear me, hear me, hear me For years and years I yearned to be free I will not let her hate take it from me I live, and I refuse to be sorry And no one can take me, make me, break me Commentary: |- Circlejourney: (booklet commentary) Am I infringing on copyright by saying that this song was inspired by Steven Universe? To be very vague, it’s a story-song about someone who spent most of her centuries-long life trapped against her will, and then in a damning duty she took upon herself to protect her newfound friends. There’s a sense of...optimism? and desperation? mingled here that culminates in the cries of “free me” and “hear me”. This was, hands down, one of the hardest songs I’ve ever produced, taking almost a year of fiddling, and then more ahead of this release. Little wonder: it’s the biggest track on this album too, in terms of instruments and length. --- Track: You Are You Directory: you-are-you-a-memory-finds-its-name Always Reference By Directory: true Duration: '04:04' Referenced Tracks: - You Are You URLs: - https://circlejourney.bandcamp.com/track/you-are-you-2 Lyrics: |- You're a blessing, you are you You are someone's light You're a wish that someone had each time they cried You're an angel, you're the sky You're the joy that you deny And there's nothing, nothing that can change that now You're a blessing, you are you You are someone's light You're a wish that someone had each time they cried You're an angel, you're the sky You're the joy that you deny And there's nothing, nothing that can change that now I watch you walk without a light Hopeless, lost, tangled in the night Can it be someone rained on your show Hate can be sharp as a knife I know But tell me why do you turn away And tell me who left these scars You say your sky is dark and dead But in your eyes I see the stars You're a blessing, you are you You are someone's light You're a wish that someone had each time they cried You're an angel, you're the sky You're the joy that you deny And there's nothing truer, don't you know? You're not nothing, you are you Let them tell their lies This world you are the world in someone's eyes Don't you say it's not deserved You're the axis of their love And there's nothing nothing that can that now There may be questions that no one can answer And there may be pain you don't understand But you'll survive if you trust in the joy That you haven't known Don't say you are nothing, I would give the world for you You may be flawed but you're no mistake Take a deep breath till there's no sorrow left And look up above, it's the sky you love Can't you see your starlight? My dear, please be my light Oh, my dear, it's still the night Don't think you are any less than wonderful You're a blessing, you are you (My dear) You are someone's light (Please be my light) You're a wish that someone had (Oh, my dear) Each time they cried (It's still the night) you're an angel, you're the sky (Don't think you) you're the joy that you deny (Are any less) and there's nothing nothing that can change that (Than wonderful) Angel, you're my sky let them tell their lies In this world you are the world in someone's eyes Don't you say it's not deserved You're the axis of my love And there's nothing nothing that can change my mind Commentary: |- Circlejourney: (booklet commentary) I remember, when I first wrote this song in 2012, that it was meant to be a song about “things I wish someone would say to me.” I struggled a great deal with my mental health back then, with some family tragedies happening around that time, as well as a looming final exam that seemed like life or death. I used to hate this song in particular, because I was deeply dissastisfied with how the vocals came out. Despite the warm compliments I received on the lyrics and composition, the vocals were a sticking point. Soon after posting it, I removed the vocal version (along with many others) from the internet. In some strange way, my position is reversed now. I feel more like the person speaking the words of the song than the person it is addressed to, and I adjusted the lyrics to match (and also to match my new lyrical style). --- Track: The Banner I Unfurl Directory: the-banner-i-unfurl-a-memory-finds-its-name Always Reference By Directory: true Duration: '01:22' Referenced Tracks: - track:the-banner-i-unfurl-instrumental URLs: - https://circlejourney.bandcamp.com/track/the-banner-i-unfurl Lyrics: |- I'm not that strong, but I'll fight I belong at her side When the darkness starts to stir She's so much more While I live, I am sure I would give my very life for her 'Cause She's the axis of my world She's the banner I unfurl I shall raise it for the eyes of the world to see You could take all that I own I don't need it now I've known A love like the sea 'Cause She's the axis of my world She's the springtime of my soul Flowers bloom beneath the skies through the centuries You could take all that I own I don't need it now I've known Her love for me Commentary: |- Circlejourney: (booklet commentary) I wrote this song for [an animation](https://youtu.be/bIyjzum7Hjk) I made for an undergrad stop motion class in 2015, but ultimately (as always) swapped it for a fully instrumental version. The animation is of a noblewoman and a knight who are in love, surprise surprise. The noble is snatched away by a flying beast and her partner gives chase on a horse, before a fun magic battle happens. Let’s be real, the “plot” of this one-and-a-half-minute animation actually doesn’t make any sense, but it was always meant to be music-led—visuals echoing the feel of the music. The lyrics themselves are actually some of my favourites that I’ve written—lines such as “she’s the springtime of my soul” are hopefully as resonant for others as they feel to me personally. I will be honest: it began as a Steven Universe fan song, but then grew into its own thing as I worked on it. Circlejourney: (lyric video illustration) --- Track: The Queen In Between Duration: '04:00' URLs: - https://circlejourney.bandcamp.com/track/the-queen-in-between Commentary: |- Circlejourney: (booklet commentary) The only track on this album with no lyrics is this one: the background track of my game, In Between. It takes place in an ancient, ruined desert town in the realm between Heaven and Hell—despite its great age, it is still populated, by strange creatures that seem neither alive nor dead, and a Queen who has been siphoning the souls of her subjects to prolong her own life. In the game, I wanted to explore the concept of shifting between various combinations of instruments as you move from one location to another, with the number of instruments building gradually as you approach the end of the game. I tried to emulate that sense of building in this version of the track, but you can [play the game](https://circlejourney.net/in-between/) to get the full experience. --- Track: Memorialisation Directory: memorialisation-a-memory-finds-its-name Always Reference By Directory: true Duration: '03:41' Referenced Tracks: - Memorialisation URLs: - https://circlejourney.bandcamp.com/track/memorialisation Lyrics: |- I've forgotten her face I don't remember her voice at all What is she to me, anyway Why should I care that I don't recall So all my pride was misplaced How could I have been so blind What use is a memorial in your mind Walls break, windows crack Trees die, and don't grow back If you wait, the leaves will all turn black And she also forgot me At last the whole truth has come to light It was all just a gambit A surrender and not a fight For all these years, she bore my weight For love, for hate, she tolerated me "Just wait for me," she'd say to me, "Just wait" Until she left that night That endless night Walls break, windows crack Trees die and don't grow back If you wait, the leaves will all turn black Don't you know Overgrown houses fall All they've known, no trace at all A bird sends up its mourning call alone I've always known how to make things But not how to break them I don't know how to take it When they can't be repaired I've always known she's gone, She's gone, she's gone, she's gone She never cared Who am I, who was I, to you, my mother Answer me Walls break, windows crack Trees die and don't grow back Suddenly, everything goes black Songs end, seeds decay You can't pretend the grief away Oh, if I could send a reply with the things I'd like to say I'd say I'm sorry that I wasted my childhood away But you're not here, and you can't watch me Destroy this memorial today Commentary: |- Circlejourney: (booklet commentary) Back in 2016 or so, I planned on writing a whole stage musical based on my novel, [Eagles and Swans](https://circlejourney.net/writing/eaglesandswans/) (which will forever be unreleased, at the rate I’m going). This was the only song that actually materialised in full. I’m fond of writing songs about fictional characters (moreso than about my own life), especially characters that I created myself. This one’s about Ruthenia, the main character of Eagles and Swans, at a time when she’s questioning everything about her past. It’s definitely the hardest one to sing on this album, and honestly I feel it was made for the penultimate position. I’m happy to finally have the chance to channel my inner musical theatre lover, and would love to write more for this musical whenever I’ve got the time. Circlejourney: (track cover) --- Track: Year In, Year Out Duration: '03:30' URLs: - https://circlejourney.bandcamp.com/track/year-in-year-out Lyrics: |- Year in, year out Learn to live without, oh What stays, what's true Seasons pull me from you 'Cause I'm moving, you knew it Years fearing this minute A planet, a comet I break from your orbit I take my heart and fold it Move out to the cold Out of your city Out of your world By the time I see you Will I still know your face By the time we meet Amid the stardust and space I would rather be About any other place That is closer One of these years One of these days Year in, year out What do we even talk about, oh The heat, the moon The sound of birds in the afternoon 'Cause Three autumns, three winters Of stories in letters Three springs and three summers Lose track of the numbers Where's the line When do I Pass the point When should I say goodbye? 'Cause By the time I see you Will I still know your face By the time we meet Amid the stardust and space I would rather be About any other place That is closer One of these days 'Cause By the time I see you Will I still know your face (still know your face) By the time we meet Amid the stardust and space (stardust and space) I would rather be About any other place (any other place) That is closer One of these years One of these days Year in, year out Learn to live without, oh What stays, what's true Seasons pull me from you Commentary: |- Circlejourney: (booklet commentary) I’ll be honest, I get a little choked up every time I sing this song. It draws deeply on an emotion I’ve grown very familiar with over the past couple of years: of missing someone I used to be around all the time, and of drifting away. I haven’t been home since February 2020—it’s been more than a year. I can’t help wondering how my home, family and friends have changed since I last saw them. If they’ll even feel like the same people when we next meet. The shadow of the memory of being close to people I care about—a complex, multivalent thing—continues to loom over most of my waking hours. It is a bittersweet feeling: the relief of being untethered, stirred in with the quiet dread of time passing, of distance growing, when you’re looking away --- Section: Bonus tracks --- Track: Summer Heat (Instrumental) Duration: '3:41' Referenced Tracks: - Summer Heat --- Track: Life's a Mind Game (Instrumental) Duration: '4:37' Referenced Tracks: - Life's a Mind Game --- Track: When All Is Gone (Instrumental) Duration: '4:16' Referenced Tracks: - When All Is Gone --- Track: From a Windchime (Instrumental) Duration: '2:19' Referenced Tracks: - From a Windchime --- Track: Oceanic Flight (Instrumental) Directory: oceanic-flight-instrumental-a-memory-finds-its-name Duration: '4:58' Referenced Tracks: - track:oceanic-flight-a-memory-finds-its-name --- Track: You Are You (Instrumental) Duration: '4:05' Referenced Tracks: - track:you-are-you-a-memory-finds-its-name --- Track: The Banner I Unfurl (Instrumental) Directory: the-banner-i-unfurl-instrumental-a-memory-finds-its-name Duration: '1:24' Referenced Tracks: - track:the-banner-i-unfurl-a-memory-finds-its-name --- Track: Memorialisation (Instrumental) Duration: '3:36' Referenced Tracks: - track:memorialisation-a-memory-finds-its-name --- Track: Year In, Year Out (Instrumental) Duration: '3:30' Referenced Tracks: - Year In, Year Out